


Rush To Me

by sweetramenwonho



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Awkward, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, More angst, Realistic, Romance, The fanfic based off the rumor that two members were dating up until the end of Rush Era, awkward ass wonkyun, here it is!, kissing and cuddling and hugging and crying, more romantic nonsense and feels, more skinship, sweetramenwonho is already back whoo!, these chapters will be a lot shorter, wonkyun is beautiful, wonkyun rise!, you know how this rumor ends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-03-15 06:15:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 53,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13607325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetramenwonho/pseuds/sweetramenwonho
Summary: “There was a couple within Monsta X that dated until the end of Rush Era, pressured to break up by management. There are speculations.”--KPOP RumorsThe untold story of what happened between Hoseok and Changkyun during Rush Era.





	1. Like It Suddenly Rained

The new guy was suddenly crying in front of him and Hoseok didn’t know what to do. Only moments ago, he came back from the practice room to change his shoes. Then I.M came up to him and asked if they could talk. Needless to say, he wasn’t expecting this at all. They weren’t close. Hoseok couldn’t help but wonder why it was him he chose to cry to instead of Jooheon or Yoonho or Seokwon—someone that could actually relate to him. He himself was way older, a vocal—he’d barely talked to him unless it related to the debut mission. 

“Sorry, hyung…” I.M finally murmured after catching his breath, “I didn’t know who else to talk to.” Hyung…it was probably the first time he heard I.M call him that—and it was probably the reason why he went to him out of all the other trainees. Shownu was too intimidating and didn’t talk much; the younger ones were still immature about the entire situation. Wonho, on the other hand, had a reputation for his caring heart and supportive nature—his considerate leadership was what caused him to currently wear the number 2 on his chest. He supposed he should’ve been flattered but, in that moment, his heart hurt. I.M was still a stranger to him, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t painful to see him cry. He could only imagine what the guy was going through inside. The show was tough enough but the fact that practically everyone scorned him for something that wasn’t his fault—he must’ve been in great pain. If it were any of the other trainees that’d come 8 episodes into No Mercy—if it was Jooheon or Shownu or himself— wouldn’t they be treated the exact same way they treated this guy? It wasn’t fair to blame him and Wonho suddenly felt guilty for his initial, selfish reaction to I.M’s late arrival.

He heard him when he rapped; it was solid, and it flowed well. Girls would definitely swoon over his low voice. Hoseok couldn’t deny talent and potential when he saw it; and the fact that he was working just as hard as the others to catch up—he found that quite admirable. He could easily see himself being friends with him in the future…but now he could not say.

He found himself patting and rubbing I.M’s back—trying not to notice how much he was shaking. Once in a while, the guy would let out a choked sob that made Hoseok feel like crying himself.

“It’s ok…” he comforted gently, though his heart doubted that anything was actually ‘ok.’ They committed years of their youth for a chance to debut. This wasn’t just a survival show for entertainment; this was the beginning of the rest of their lives. He feared for his future, for I.M’s, and for the rest of the trainees’—the ones that were still here and the ones that’d already been eliminated. But for the moment, he said what he could to get the new guy to stop crying, to muster up the confidence he needed for their mission, and to show the world who I.M was.

“Just focus on what’s in front of you,” he squeezed his shoulder, “Don’t think about whether or not you’ll debut…or if they’ll like you. Just rip that stage apart and show them you came here for a reason…” I.M gulped and nodded, shyly wiping his wet cheeks. It was strange. Usually, when Hoseok comforted others, he had no problem figuring out how they were feeling. He was good at reading the mood and reading others’ emotions. That was what they appreciated the most about him. But here, he found himself struggling. I.M’s red eyes were on the ground; he was frowning—half his face covered by his trembling hand. Hoseok couldn’t tell what he was thinking and that unsettled him—did he appreciate his comfort? Did he want to leave? Did he trust this hyung at all despite them practically being strangers? The young man before him was still a mystery. Hoseok knew he could trust him based solely on his talent and commitment to the mission. But as a person, he was still uncertain. He didn’t know him after all; but he wanted to. There was a reason I.M came to him—he saw something in Hoseok he himself didn’t see. The least he could do was pull his weight and pretend to be the hyung this dongsaeng expected him to be. He shifted nervously on his feet before awkwardly wrapping one of his arms around I.M’s shoulders.

“Just do your best,” he spouted out a few more words of comfort, “If you make a mistake, I’ll cover for you…because we’re teammates now.” He was relieved to see a slight smile on I.M’s mouth before he nodded modestly. It was the first time Hoseok realized he didn’t talk much and also the first time he found him a bit cute.

 

He realized it almost immediately. I.M was standing next to him at nearly every given opportunity. He stood next to him on the stage—before and after their performance—while they were watching the other team, even in the backstage room. Hoseok didn’t want to assume anything; he wanted to think it was mere coincidence, but he soon realized perhaps that wasn’t the case at all. I.M followed him around like a puppy. Though Hoseok hated to admit it, he sort of liked the idea of this new dongsaeng standing next to him out of choice. 

They’d spent a lot of time together during the preparations for this stage. Because I.M had cried to him, he found himself wanting to prove himself as a reliable hyung—as someone that had his back and would support him wholeheartedly as he’d promised. The more time he spent with him, the more he got a feel of the person behind the two-letter-stage-name. A few days into practice, the guy had invited the others to call him “Changkyun.” Hoseok didn’t know if he’d ever get used to doing that but he appreciated his efforts to reach out to them regardless of their initial, bitter feelings. I.M—Changkyun—wasn’t the sort of person he was used to being around. He was odd at times; though shy, he said things that made Hoseok stop where he was and either laugh out loud or ask him if he was sure that was what he wanted to say. It didn’t take long for him to notice he was different from the other maknaes. He didn’t say much but his presence alone made Hoseok strangely comfortable. He was mature and always seemed to be thinking in different, creative ways that not even Hoseok himself had thought of. It was safe to say he grew to like him just fine. He appreciated his humbleness and his hardworking attitude. The trivial “unfairness” he felt when he’d first arrived faded the more time he spent singing and dancing beside him, eating with him, and suffering through the same hardships and torture No Mercy was putting them through.

 

It was nice to see I.M laughing with the others when the cameras were off. They all seemed to be opening their bitter hearts to him little by little and Hoseok was grateful. He knew how much courage it must’ve taken for I.M to come to him that time. Witnessing such a weak moment and then watching him improve and grow stronger—it was truly something to be proud of as an older brother. And every time, I.M called him “hyung,” he smiled on the inside.

After the final stage of “No Exit,” he saw Jooheon embracing the shy rapper and patting him on the back. Of course, it’d be Jooheon. Jooheon was the one he was the most comfortable with and closest to—the one he considered his buddy rather than his older brother. Hoseok quickly hugged Hyungwon as he made his way across the stage. He saw I.M’s body close up—shy away—despite confidently melting the audiences’ hearts only moments ago with his rap. He was gazing up at the ceiling as though he were letting out a sigh of relief at the fact that the final stage was finally over but somehow, Hoseok knew he were only looking there because all the others were emotionally hugging one another; and there he was as the new guy that still wasn’t sure if he could celebrate with the same boys he’d worked so hard with for the last few weeks. His eyes met Hoseok’s briefly and he slightly took a step back when he approached—as though he were uncertain if Hoseok were actually coming towards him for a hug. His hesitation made Hoseok smile. As soon as Hyungwon’s arms slipped from his back, he held his arms open and I.M immediately jumped into them—proving his desperation to connect with another person in such an emotional moment. Hoseok hugged him tightly, making sure he felt the warmth and comfort that he deserved. He was part of their team regardless of when he arrived. He deserved to celebrate and cry just as much as the others did.

“You’ve worked hard,” he told him comfortingly, relieved to see the smile on his face. Like usual, the maknae nodded in gratitude.

 

I.M was called shortly after he was. Hoseok was still in so much disbelief, he couldn’t even piece together what was happening. It wasn’t until he saw him, in the corner of his eye, step up onto that glowing pedestal that it sunk in—I.M was going to debut with him. Hoseok didn’t know what to think or what to feel for that matter. The guy had grown on him in the few months that he got to know him. And now he was going to be spending a majority of his life standing by his side like this—as teammates. He wasn’t expecting it in the slightest—or more, he never thought about it this far. During his experience on No Mercy, he only saw the direct goal in front of him—complete this mission, practice this dance move, hit this note. But he never predicted events this far or any further than that. He was much to scared to. But now that the situation was here, he was overwhelmed. His dream of debuting was about to come true. His life was going to change forever. And the guy that stood one pedestal to his left would affect him in a way he never thought was possible.


	2. Erase The Clock Hands Between Us

Wonho-hyung’s laugh was something else—loud and unapologetic. It put other laughs to shame. Changkyun liked to listen to it so he always tried to make him laugh. And sometimes he settled for a smile.

The two of them were sitting on the benches as Jooheon’s solo part was being filmed—both bored out of their minds. Occasionally, the head of the red bat would hit the ground with a light tap, causing Changkyun to look over. When he realized it was just Wonho fidgeting with the prop again, he continued to look forward, unaffected. The night was musty and damp. His exhaustion was biting at him the longer he sat there waiting. It wasn’t the first time he acted in a music video but this one—“Trespass”—was for their official debut and he’d thrown all his energy into it. He was ready to go back to the dorms and sleep for the rest of his life.

A sudden cool breeze caused him to zip up his orange jumpsuit. It made a comedically loud sound that caused Wonho-hyung to jolt and then laugh loudly,

“Oh, that scared me,” he said breathlessly, hand on his chest, “You were being so quiet I forgot you were there.” Changkyun didn’t know whether he should’ve been offended by his comment or not. More often than not, Wonho-hyung told him he was weird or quiet or too mature for his age. He was practically used to it by now. 

Changkyun retaliated by continuously zipping his suit up and down until he found a stable rhythm. Eventually, after laughing once more, his hyung joined in with the clinking of the bat against the floor and they were blabbering out gibberish that was supposed to be a rap and dancing with their last pints of energy until the director shouted for them to shut up. They both held back laughter as they ran off to hide; he felt Wonho-hyung’s hands playfully pushing him along until they reached another set—the prison cell. Finally, only when he collapsed on the prop bed did Changkyun laugh, his stomach suffering in the process.

“Ah…why was that so funny?” Wonho-hyung gripped onto the sleeve of Changkyun’s jumpsuit, attempting to contain his laughter. Changkyun wiped the tears from his eyes,

“Director-nim totally messed up our flow! Clearly, he’s a man with no swag,” he complained jokingly, causing Wonho-hyung to laugh even more before burying his head into Changkyun’s chest. And there it was again. That weird laugh. He rarely heard it like that during the filming of No Mercy. When he did, it was always because everyone was happy. Because Wonho’s mood seemed to apply to everyone’s. If he laughed wholeheartedly, the others were able to as well. If he was serious, everyone else committed themselves 100%. Because of this, Changkyun initially thought Wonho-hyung would volunteer himself to be the leader of Monsta X. However, he was satisfied with the outcome. Shownu may have been quieter but his metaphorical shoulders were strong, and he carried the other six well. Changkyun knew that if Wonho were to take such a pressuring position, he would work himself to death. Even he, as someone who’d just recently become friends with him, knew that. They’d only spent time with each other for a short while since the moment they met, but he already knew he appreciated Wonho as a fellow member—especially the part that worked so hard and willingly protected Monsta X. He was older than Changkyun, yet he acted like he was younger—hyper and loud and constantly talking. Changkyun could never find himself being bored around him. He was a bright, energetic light that inspired glow in everyone he touched. However, Changkyun got the impression that there were a few dark parts as well—some of which he refused to show anyone else. 

 

He could feel the tension in the room as though it were a palpable poison. Everyone had gone silent and he feared of what would happen next. Wonho-hyung, the person in question was the first to speak.

“Uh…what was that?” he asked with a shy laugh. Changkyun could tell he was pushing his initial offended and irritated feelings aside and doing his best to put on the modest, oblivious face of a kpop idol. The rude interviewer repeated his question,

“As the popularity of Monsta X is growing, we have been seeing photos of Wonho-shi’s past come up on the internet as of late. Can you explain to me and your fans watching what they mean and if they are true? What do you have to say about them?” As another moment of silence went by, Changkyun gripped onto the thick fabric of his pants wishing for it to be over. He wasn’t comfortable with this and he could tell the other six weren’t either. Wonho-hyung was sensitive about his past. He hadn’t even told him, one of his fellow members and friends, about it yet. Granted they were only a couple months into knowing each other, Changkyun assumed he’d explain everything when he was ready and when he felt they were close enough; so, to have it revealed like this—on the filming of a live broadcast in front of strangers and brought up only for the sake of attention and ridicule—upset him immensely. When he looked over at Wonho-hyung, he could see the panic in his eyes. Without thinking, he laid his hand against his back and gave him a brief pat. He pulled back before the cameras caught it.

When Wonho-hyung still didn’t answer, the interviewer pulled up the infamous pictures on the large screen,

“Most fans are upset about this one especially,” he said, his eyes judging the obscure image of young Hoseok smoking and drinking. Changkyun suddenly wanted to take his comedically large mic and smash it over his head. 

“There are also images of you and this girl from your past. You were dating her?” the man went on ignorantly with the pictures following, “Apparently, she is a male now? Can you explain that to your fans, please?”

“Ok,” Manager-hyung suddenly uttered from behind the cameras, “That’s enough for today. They have a music show scheduled.” Changkyun was surprised he’d intervened. He’d always stressed that they needed to be professional at all times—especially in front of the cameras. 

“Oh, uh…” the interviewer looked at the TV crew before glancing back at the freshly debuted faces of Monsta X, “Then let’s end it there. Thank you for your time.”

“Thank you,” Monsta X bowed politely in unison. As they were leaving, Changkyun noticed how red Wonho-hyung’s ears were. Whether it was from embarrassment or anger, he couldn’t say. But he felt horrible. He wished he could walk up to him—approach him in a non-pressuring way—but he was suddenly reminded that he knew Wonho-hyung for the shortest amount of time out of all the members. He was in no place to be comforting him after such a serious matter was brought up. 

 

As he lay in bed that night, he found his mind going to numerous places regarding the pictures he saw of Wonho-hyung. He didn’t know he smoked back then. He also wasn’t aware he dated that person they mentioned. Was what that interviewer saying true? Did Wonho-hyung truly like them? What sort of relationship did they have with each other? Changkyun tried not to let it keep him up but it did. The less he knew, the more creative his assumptions got. Such news made him panic; he suddenly realized he didn’t know anything about this guy he admired so much. He realized they were years away from becoming the friends he wanted them to be. They may have enjoyed each other’s company, may have laughed together numerous times, and may have desired similar things. But Changkyun still knew so little about him. Even though he wanted to learn more, he didn’t want to overstep—didn’t want to offend Wonho-hyung by asking. 

He flopped around on the mattress like a fish out of water every time he was about to sleep but Wonho’s startled face popped up in his mind—jolting him back into his conscious state. He didn’t know why such a thing was bothering him so much. He had five other hyungs with untold pasts as well, yet he was hung up on this one. What was wrong with him?


	3. Don’t Think Too Hard

Was Changkyun avoiding him? Ever since the scandal about his past came out, he felt the maknae’s distance. The others treated him the same, but it was clear Changkyun was still shocked about the whole thing. Wonho supposed he couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t as if he ever told him the details about what he was like years ago—about the choices he made. The guy must’ve been more than just a little alarmed. And to have it revealed in such a way…he didn’t want Changkyun to think their relationship was cheap and relied only on what was also shown to the public eye. Nor did he want the maknae to continue pretending everything was alright when he was clearly uncomfortable. As his hyung, Hoseok felt he owed him an explanation.

After the fan sign, he caught himself a maknae before he could escape to his room. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Changkyun asked, blinking in confusion. 

“Not here,” Wonho said. He quickly looked around them before frantically pulling him into the bathroom. The maknae stared at him with wide eyes.

“Are you planning to grope me in here?”

“What? No! What? Of course not! Why would you even--?” he stopped himself when he realized it was a joke. Ah, I have to yet to keep up with this guy’s pace. Wonho locked the door behind him before putting on his serious face. 

“Look, Changkyun, I…” he rubbed the back of his neck and let out a frustrated sigh—contemplating how to say it; he’d been rehearsing lines over and over in his head ever since he knew he needed to talk it out with him but now he was drawing a complete blank, “What they’ve been saying about me lately…”

“Oh…” the maknae seemed to realize.

“Especially about my ex…”

“Hyung, you don’t have to…”

“I want to tell you,” he said boldly. He looked down, “I…I can’t help but wonder what you think of me after all that…”

“I don’t…think of you any differently.”

“Come on…hearing that your hyung used to date someone who is now a guy?” Out of the urge to protect his own heart, he crossed his arms, “I’m not dumb, Changkyun-ah.” At this, the maknae was left silent, his eyes distant. Once again, Wonho could not read him at all. He shifted the weight of his body before briefly touching his shoulder,

“All the other members know this already so…” he took his hand back, “It’s time I told you, too.”

“Are you sure?” the maknae suddenly asked, “I don’t want you to feel obligated or anything…”

“I do feel obligated…I feel obligated to keep all my members on the same page—especially when it comes to knowing the real me…look, I.M—Changkyun…this thing from my past…I don’t regret it. I cared about my friend a lot…we supported each other when no one would. But…there’s something else that…” Changkyun’s eyebrows narrowed in confusion when his voice faded away,

“What is it?” Hoseok licked his lips,

“I…” he didn’t know why his throat suddenly felt dry. When he told the others—as soon as he felt it was safe enough—he didn’t have as much anxiety as he did now standing before Changkyun. It probably had to do with the fact that he didn’t want the guy’s ideal image of him to shatter. He didn’t want Changkyun to see him differently. When Changkyun cried to him that time during the filming of No Mercy, he chose him because he saw a reliable, strong hyung who’s shoulder he could sob into. Wonho feared that façade disappearing the second he told him the truth.

When he looked up, he saw himself in the mirror behind the maknae—a man with black hair still growing and learning; spirited and naive at times, too serious at others. He always failed to find the mature balance between the two. How long until the maknae realized his act was only an act? That he could not be a dependable hyung at all and he much preferred to be the childish and hyper friend Changkyun could laugh and play with? 

He cleared his throat before looking I.M in the eye, “Changkyun, I…” his heart pounded underneath his chest, “For me…um…men are ok, too.”

“Huh?” Wonho attempted to keep his gaze steady despite his stomach tightening with anxiety,

“I…” he gulped, “Also like…guys…” After that, the bathroom was silent. So many seconds went by that Hoseok stopped counting. It felt like such a long stretch of time just standing there and waiting for Changkyun to react. He wanted to say something but deep down he knew his words would not change what Changkyun thought of him.

“So…” the maknae finally said amongst the painful, awkward, atmosphere, “The other members know this, too…?” Hoseok nodded. Changkyun coughed nervously, “I see…” 

“I…” his hand was on Changkyun’s shoulder, “I understand if…if such things make you uncomfortable.”

“Why would you think that, Wonho-hyung?” his eyes fell to the tiled floor, “I…it doesn’t bother me. You’re still you…doesn’t matter who you like.” Wonho smiled, touched at how simply he’d put it,

“Really?”

“Yeah…” the maknae crossed his arms, “I’m glad you told me this early on in our careers…I think I would’ve been angrier if it was any later.” Wonho laughed softly,

“I guess I would be, too.”

“And for what it’s worth, I…didn’t think any less of you when I heard the rumors. Your past is your own…and don’t get me wrong…I was curious about finding out the truth. But…I was willing to wait for you to tell me yourself…”

“That’s…” he covered his mouth—which was becoming victim to another smile, “That’s really nice of you, maknae.”

“Why do you assume I’m not nice?” Changkyun said, offended at his accusation. “I’m not as dark and weird as you think, you know.” Oh yes…Hoseok was well aware the maknae was kind and caring; his heart was actually quite big—perhaps the biggest in the entire group. But one wouldn’t know it unless they spent as much time with him as he did. It wasn’t a feature he showed the fans and the cameras. And it happened subtly. Whether a member needed water or a towel during practice, Changkyun was there—always willing to help out. He took care of his hyungs well and Wonho took notice of that rather quickly. He was a good kid and someone he looked forward to walking beside as Monsta X grew bigger and became more popular.

Wonho’s mouth tightened; he wanted to take his hand to express his gratitude, but he felt—with the recent information he’d just disclosed—it would’ve been slightly awkward.

“I um…I’m really grateful we talked about this,” he said nervously. The maknae smiled,

“Sure, hyung.”

“I will…uh…yeah…I guess we can leave the bathroom now…” Why, oh why he laughed so awkwardly in that moment, he’ll never know. His face was on fire as he desperately ran out of there.

 

It was easy to be himself now that all the members knew. It was especially easy to be around Changkyun. He didn’t know why he was so drawn to him. For some reason, he felt he understood him—even when there were no verbal exchanges.

“We promise we’ll think of a name for our fans soon,” Kihyun announced into the microphone at the end of their fan sign. The fans reacted loudly, their screams causing Wonho to laugh. He wrapped his arms around Changkyun from behind, his chin on his shoulder.

“Thank you for coming!” Minhyuk shouted. Wonho waved at their audience as Changkyun moved across the stage. He tightened his grip around his shoulders,

“A lot of the fans said they liked ‘Steal your Heart,’” Changkyun told him, his face inches from Wonho’s when he turned. 

“Oh, really?”

“Most of them didn’t know you helped work on it.”

“That’s fine,” Hoseok casually pulled back his arms as Changkyun reached the seat where he’d left his jacket, “As long as they like it.” The maknae looked at him then with creased eyebrows and concerned eyes as though he were pitying him. For what reason, Wonho didn’t know but he suddenly felt self-conscious. 

“What?” he asked, laughing nervously.

“Nothing, I just…” I.M cleared his throat quickly before putting on his jacket, “Do you want to work on some songs? I know you’re still learning but I just got a new software. We can break into it together. I mean…if you’re interested.”

“Ah…yeah, I am,” he turned to wave to their fans some more.

“Ok. Let’s meet in the living room when we get back.”

“Cool…” The maknae met his eyes,

“Cool,” he repeated. 

 

Hoseok bit his lip as he attempted to decipher the strange and confusing music program. Changkyun’s laptop was warming up his lap and the maknae was sitting to his right. He dropped a sample file into the appropriate timeline and an error message immediately popped up.

“Huh?” he uttered, “W-why is it doing this?” He clicked around a few more times but found himself becoming angry again. Changkyun leaned in towards him for a better view of the screen; he mumbled the words aloud,

“This MP3 file is missing from your external hard drive…what the fuck?” Wonho immediately burst out laughing despite his initial feelings of frustration. Why did the maknae always have to strike when he least expected it? He nearly dropped the laptop on the ground.

“Hey, hey, watch out,” Changkyun held back a laugh as he took it from his hysterical hyung and set it down on the coffee table. 

“Ah, sorry…” he held his aching stomach, trying to regain his breath, “It’s just…we’ve been doing this for hours now and we basically got nowhere.” The maknae sighed,

“I know…sorry for wasting your time…”

“Hmm, don’t sweat it,” he rubbed his dry eyes, “I guess it was a good experience…good practice for me.”

“You’re always looking at the positive sides, aren’t you?” Changkyun laughed softly before giving Wonho a modest smile that he still—to this day—could not read, “In truth, I…I just wanted to get you composing again, hyung.” Wonho looked at him curiously before tilting his head,

“Why?”

“Because…I think you could become a genius of some kind.” At this, he burst out laughing again,

“Me? A genius?” he covered his mouth modestly, “I can’t even work a music program without an error popping up every other second, Changkyun-ah.”

“I’m serious,” Changkyun sat down on the couch, his eyes staring at nothing in particular. Wonho was enticed by his suddenly cool and mature nature. 

“You have talent…” the maknae said, his voice low, “A lot of it…I was watching you the most on No Mercy before I joined. The judges were already setting high expectations of you. They knew your potential.” Hoseok appreciated his praise though he felt he didn’t deserve it in the slightest. He scratched his head nervously, running his fingers through his black hair,

“I’m…really not that great, Changkyun-ah…”

“You are great. And I know in the next album, we’ll have one of your songs on there.”  
“Enough…that’s…stop flattering me already,” he felt his cheeks grow hot. He quickly rubbed them with the back of his hand, “I really don’t know how to react in this kind of situation, so…please stop.” In the corner of his eye, he saw the maknae’s face soften,

“Ok…” he said shyly, “I’m sorry…” Wonho bit the inside of his cheek,

“I don’t like this kind of polite mood either,” he complained. Changkyun laughed,

“Let’s watch a movie.”

“I’ll ask the others if they want to join,” he volunteered and quickly stood up from the couch, rushing into the other room before the maknae could see the obvious blush spreading from his neck up to his forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter: RUSH ERA


	4. You’ll Have No Time To Be Bored

Changkyun angrily shoved open the front door, his stomach growling. He’d been at the recording studio the entire day and now his body was failing him. His throat hurt; they made him re-do his rap for “Hero” so many times he heard it even after he’d already left the building. Hyungwon, Minhyuk, and Wonho were sitting at the dinner table when he walked into the kitchen. They were cleaning their plates of what looked like delicious food they ordered. His heart sank at the sight of empty containers. He walked forward, and the comedic timing of his stomach growling made the other three laugh out loud. They were even more entertained at his pouting, disappointed face.

“Sorry maknae,” Wonho covered his giggles, “You came a little too late.”

“Is there really nothing left?” he mumbled, his voice shy. He approached the table and pulled over Hyungwon’s plate with only one dumpling remaining on it, “I’m so hungry…”

“Were you at the studio all day?” Minhyuk asked. Changkyun nodded glumly; he was about to ask Hyungwon for the dumpling; but when he looked down at it again, Wonho had already swiped it with his chopsticks and gobbled it in one bite. His mouth dropped.

“That’s too much!” Minhyuk playfully hit the evil hyung on the shoulder. Changkyun nearly lunged at Wonho out of anger—and hunger—but immediately forgave him when he smiled, his cheeks full like an innocent rabbit munching away. His hands landed on Wonho’s shoulders instead. He let out a sigh. This guy enjoyed teasing him too much.

“Did you finish your recordings?” His hyung asked.

“Mm, yeah…” his hand briefly touched Wonho’s neck before he straightened his back, “I think I’ll just go to bed.”

“Eat something first,” Hyungwon said before standing up from his chair, “I think we still have some instant ramen cups.” Minhyuk nodded in agreement. The two of them left quickly after putting away their dishes. Changkyun immediately slumped down on Hyungwon’s abandoned chair, the last bits of energy from his breakfast leaving his body. He suddenly had a headache from the lack of nutrition in his tummy. 

“You feeling alright?” Wonho asked, gathering the rest of the empty food containers. Changkyun buried his face into his hands and nodded,

“I’m fine…” He heard his hyung shuffling away and cleaning up their mess. Already, his eyes were closing from the exhaustion. He questioned if he even had the strength to lift chopsticks.

“Hey,” Wonho tapped his shoulder, causing him to jolt up. He found containers full of dumplings, bulgogi, japchae, and white rice sitting on the table.

“W-what is this?” he stuttered.

“Eat quickly and get some rest,” Wonho ordered coolly before leaving him alone with his unexpected feast. Changkyun was still stunned. He didn’t want to think Wonho intentionally saved food for him just to tease him and then unapologetically mess with his heart. Now, not only was his stomach suffering, so was his chest. He was touched. Hyung had a habit of being too mischievous when it came to the maknae, but Changkyun never found himself getting mad. He always forgave him because he just ended up thinking he was cute. Wonho reminded him of a baby stuck in a muscular, grown man’s body constantly seeking his attention and feeding off of his reactions. He knew he should’ve been annoyed; he should’ve thought of Wonho as the most irritating hyung, but he actually thought he was the cutest. He enjoyed being around Wonho; it wasn’t something he could explain to anyone—not even Jooheon. When he was with Wonho, he found himself laughing so much that he forgot all the stress and exhaustion the preparations for the “Rush” comeback were giving him. He was grateful for his hyung. As the number of days from their debut day increased, the harsh reality of being a kpop idol was slowly beginning to sink into Changkyun. But the fact that Wonho was always so bright an energetic—as passionate as he was since their debut—it gave him those last bits of motivation he needed to continue doing what he loved.

 

Wonho sat next to him in their group vlive. Changkyun didn’t want to feel happy about it but he kind of did. When his hyung put his comforting arm around his shoulder, he truly felt like he belonged in the family of Monsta X. Wonho may have not known anything about the hardships he went through after their debut, but he appreciated the little things he did to make him feel accepted—like this was truly his place.

“To our fans, don’t worry about us. We’re working hard on our next comeback,” Kihyun said.

“Yes,” Minhyuk pointed at the camera, “We will come to you quickly, so anticipate.”

“Wait, wait you can’t say that!” Wonho said loudly and the others hilariously followed with their pretend ridicule. Changkyun laughed loudly as they poked and punished Minhyuk for his poor pun and comeback spoiler. Minhyuk, still laughing himself, apologized and bowed quickly towards their fans. Wonho scooted forward on the seat, his arm leaving Changkyun’s shoulder. His voice was loud and clear with a tint of sarcasm when he spoke,

“Well, what we meant to say was that we—Monsta X—are constantly improving and growing in a rush--!”

“That’s not any better!” Changkyun grabbed onto his arm and the others began yelling at him, too—causing Wonho to laugh loudly. 

“Ah, our hyung,” Jooheon sighed after everyone quieted down, “Too playful.”

“Why not? We should be happy all the time,” Wonho’s arm was around his shoulders again; he used his hands to emphasize his words as he always did, “Not everyone has the kind of life we do, you know. Our fans made this happen for us. We should always be grateful.”

“Speaking of our fans, we haven’t come up with our fan name yet,” Minhyuk said, quickly changing the subject before Wonho began talking too much. Changkyun seemed to be the only one to notice the pout on Wonho’s lips. He laughed softly, pointing at his disappointed face until his hyung smiled back. It was common for the others to cut Wonho off. He spoke with his heart and sometimes said cheesy, serious things that made them cringe. But despite that, his hyung continued to be himself—he still said things he wanted to say regardless of what the others thought. It was admirable really. As the others continued talking, he found himself staring at Wonho—the way his cheeks lifted when he laughed, how his eyes squinted, his big ears that turned pink every time the attention was thrown back to him. He couldn’t seem to grasp how someone could be so colorful and cute.

“So, as we wrap up, what do you have to say, uh, I.M?” 

“Huh?” he turned his head quickly. The others stared at him for a few seconds before Kihyun asked him again,

“What are the final thoughts you’d like to share with our fans?”

“Oh…uh…” he came forward and clasped his hands together, “We worked really hard on this comeback so…we would just appreciate it if you checked it out.”

“Ok, what about Shownu-hyung?”

“Right,” Shownu scratched his bicep, “Uh…our fans, everyone, please wait for us. We will continue to show you better sides to Monsta X. Up until now…”

“It’s been Monsta X! Thank you!” Wonho’s hand was on the back of his head as he forced him to bow forward. He held back a laugh. Why did this child-like attention from him make him so happy inside? 

After Wonho’s hand was taken back and the guy was busy talking to Hyungwon, Changkyun attempted to regain his sense. He cleared his throat nervously before standing up from the chair they’d been sitting on. Surely, this strange infatuation with his hyung was understandable. Wonho was a cool big brother and a good friend—an irreplaceable member. He was nice to everyone and he always managed to make them feel special. The other members most likely thought of him this way as well so this was nothing to concern himself about.

 

He needed to pee badly. Unfortunately, the bathroom that connected to him, Jooheon, and Minhyuk’s room was already occupied. He ran over to the others’ room as quickly as he could. The bathroom door wasn’t locked so he proceeded to push it open but was stunned to find that someone was in the middle of shower.

“Ah! Hyung, sorry, I--” Wonho’s head popped out from behind the shower curtain, a pile of soap sitting atop his recently dyed brown hair,

“W-what are you doing in here?’ he stuttered, already on the verge of laughing, “Didn’t I lock the door?” Changkyun turned back and forth between the door and his hyung, flustered and not knowing what to do,

“Sorry, I really needed to pee,” he confessed, his bladder crying out in pain.

“Aa~h!” Wonho seemed to realize before he slid back behind the shower curtain, “Go ahead. I don’t mind.”

“Thanks,” he nodded quickly in gratitude. Ah, of course his hyung would treat the maknae well. Regardless of his teasing, when it came to favoring Changkyun, Wonho was an expert. After Changkyun finished using the toilet, his eyes fell upon the basket full of Wonho’s fancy shampoos and oils he usually used during his in-depth showers. He smirked mischievously before carefully picking it up. Unfortunately, the moment he did, Wonho pulled back the curtain again—most likely to grab one of the soaps in question. Changkyun froze where he was. Their eyes met for a second before he bolted out of there, hearing Wonho’s loud,

“MAKNAEEEEE!!!” He didn’t expect Wonho to chase after him. But his hyung—even with a towel around his waist—ran ridiculously faster than he did. Changkyun didn’t make it very far—only the couch in the living room—before Hoseok jumped him. The others were watching with raised and curious eyebrows but Changkyun could only laugh. He was expecting Wonho to hit him but his hyung only snatched the basket out of his hands. A few drops of water dripped on him from Wonho’s hair.

“Don’t…mess with your hyung, Changkyunnie,” Hoseok gasped for breath between laughs, his hand on Changkyun’s shoulder to keep his balance. 

“I didn’t think you’d actually come after me!”

“Of course, I would,” his eyes grew wider when he spoke seriously, “I always need these to complete my washing routine.”

“I would’ve brought it back eventually…”

“Liar,” Wonho laughed loudly before pointing at him, “Look at your eyes, you’re still messing with me.” Changkyun shook his head, a hidden smile on his lips.

“You’re dripping water everywhere,” Kihyun shouted from the kitchen, “Stop playing around.”

“Ah, blame the maknae!” His hyung shouted back before re-cupping his hand around his shoulder. He gave Changkyun an oddly loving look before returning to his shower and Changkyun had to shake it off and pretend it didn’t mean anything.

 

The “Rush” choreography always made his legs ache. By the time they finished repeatedly going through their routines of “Hero” and “Rush,” it was 4 AM. Changkyun slumped down on the hard floor, wiping the sweat from his eyes. When he looked up, he barely saw his reflection in the foggy mirror. 

“After a break, let’s go through it one last time,” Shownu announced. Changkyun and the others nodded. Their second comeback was important to all of them—this was their chance to show the fans what else they were capable of. He was glad to be progressing beyond their debut—a group that was still in their rookie year—but was seeing rapid growth and evolution. However, his physical state was suffering. He buried his face into his hands and felt someone sit down next to him. From how his back was being comforted with a gentle hand, he knew it was Wonho.

“No, no, it’s step, step, step and then hit,” his Wonho-hyung directed from where they sat.

“Isn’t it two steps?” Kihyun asked.

“No, it’s three,” Jooheon said. Changkyun heard their shoes squeaking and hitting against the floor as they tried it out. When Wonho pulled him a little closer, he looked up. His hyung gave him a smile,

“How’s our maknae?”

“I’m…gonna die…”

“Aw,” Hoseok laughed softy and rubbed his shoulder, “It’s ok. We’ll be done soon.”

“Ok.”

“Come on,” Changkyun jolted back when Wonho playfully poked his belly, “Let’s go over the dance break together.” He nodded obediently, allowing his hyung to help him stand up.

After practice, Kihyun pulled him aside before they left to go home.

“What is it?” he asked curiously. Kihyunnie-hyung had a concerned look in his eyes that made Changkyun nervous. 

“I wanted to ask you something, Changkyun-ah…and you can stop me if I’m out of line.” 

“Ok…?” He rubbed the back of his head, clearly uncomfortable. 

“You and Hoseok…” The beginning of that sentence made the back of Changkyun’s neck heat up. He suddenly didn’t want to hear the rest of it. 

Kihyun looked down nervously before his mouth tightened, “Is there something going on between you two?” Changkyun suddenly didn’t know how to respond. The subject was too ridiculous to comprehend. He shook his head quickly but Kihyun didn’t look satisfied,

“I know he told you…” he continued. “That’s why it’s dangerous.”

“Hyung, I…” his voice faltered, “I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“I’m just voicing my concerns. I’ve been noticing some things lately. But if it’s just my imagination, I apologize.”

“What’s up?” Wonho asked, walking up to them, “What are you guys talking about?” His sudden appearance made Changkyun want to run away but he held up his oblivious façade. Kihyun looked directly at Wonho,

“Are you dating our maknae?” he asked bluntly. Wonho’s eyes widened. He blinked numerous times before letting out an awkward laugh,

“Why would you ask that?”

“I don’t know,” Kihyun shrugged, “I was just wondering.”

“Well,” Wonho scratched his jaw, “We’re not dating. I may also like guys but that doesn’t mean I don’t know the difference between friendship and romance.”

“Ah,” finally, the guy looked convinced, “Right…”

“Besides, the maknae isn’t really my type,” he laughed before wrapping his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders once more, “He’s like my baby brother.”

“Ok, ok,” Kihyun sighed, “I just didn’t want you guys doing something stupid.”

“Well, Changkyun likes girls,” Hoseok pointed out, “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” Kihyun looked relieved; he patted Changkyun on the shoulder and apologized before gathering with the others. 

“Really,” Wonho-hyung chuckled, “What made him think of such a ridiculous thing?” Changkyun forced a smile himself,

“The stress must be getting to him.” When he heard his hyung laugh then, his chest suddenly hurt, and he didn’t know why.

 

They shot the “Rush” music video on one of the hottest days of his life. Changkyun mostly stayed inside the abandoned warehouse when the others were doing their solo takes. He was eating some of the fruit provided by the staff when Hyungwon casually passed by him,

“Have you seen Wonho-hyung’s goggles?” he asked, “Anyone? Have you seen his goggles?” The staff and managers shook their heads. A short moment later, Wonho frantically showed up, his frizzy hair bouncing around. He was sweating a lot,

“I swear I left it on the motorbike,” he breathed heavily before letting out a defeated laugh and biting his bottom lip. He looked like he was about to cry, “It’s almost my take and I can’t find them anywhere! Ah, they couldn’t just have disappeared!”

“Maybe hyung can do the take without them,” Hyungwon suggested. Wonho shook his head,

“The stylists worked hard on my look, I can’t just half-ass it.” He searched through the other props on the table quickly before running off in the other direction.

“He’s really worked up, huh?” Changkyun said, chewing on a pineapple slice.

“We’ve been running around looking for the stupid goggles for the last thirty minutes,” Hyungwon sighed, wiping his forehead, “Really, it’s too hot for this shit.”

“Sorry,” he held back a laugh and Hyungwon caught his suspicious nature.

“What?” his eyes squinted. 

“Nothing.”

“You’re hiding something, I know it.”

“I’m not.”

“Changkyun.” Unable to bury his laughter anymore, Changkyun gave into having been caught. He gulped down the fruit before reaching behind him and pulling out the missing goggles. Hyungwon’s mouth gaped open,

“Are you serious?” he hit Changkyun on the arm. “Hyung’s gonna be pissed!”

“Sorry, sorry,” he repeated, “I couldn’t resist. He was bragging about how cool they made him look the entire day! And then they suddenly appeared in front of me!”

“Ah, jeez…” Hyungwon shook his head, “You better bring them to him before his take.”

“Got it, got it,” he hopped down from the table he was sitting on and walked off after Wonho. He found him searching frantically in the van they drove here in. Changkyun opened the side door and peered inside,

“Why would they be in here?” he asked.

“It’s the only place I haven’t looked,” Wonho replied, his head burrowed underneath the seats, “I don’t know maybe I dropped them or something.”

“Hyung.”

“What?” Hoseok turned around and finally saw the goggles in Changkyun’s hand. He grabbed them almost instantly, “Where were they!? Where’d you find them?”

“Actually, you left them on the motorbike and I took them when you went to the bathroom…”

“What!? Changkyun-ah!” Wonho grabbed his shirt; he looked angry but also slightly entertained; a laugh was moments from leaving his lips, “Do you know how long I was looking for them, you asshole?” Changkyun, suddenly aware of how close their faces were, stepped back in panic. Unfortunately, his hyung was much stronger and had no intention of letting him go unpunished. He hastily yanked Changkyun forward and they ended up awkwardly stumbling onto the car seat. 

“Whoa!” Changkyun gripped onto the leathery texture before his body could slam against Wonho’s from the fall. He lifted himself up and gulped, “You ok?” Underneath him, his hyung nodded innocently,

“Sorry about that.” Changkyun had been avoiding looking him in the eye ever since Kihyun asked them that awkward question weeks ago but, as seconds seemed to stretch into minutes, he found himself slowly giving into the temptation. Perhaps it was his curly brown hair or the makeup he had on or his cheeks being pinker than usual—or perhaps it was even the fact that they were in an embarrassing and suggestive position—but in that moment, Changkyun thought Wonho was the most beautiful person he’d ever laid eyes on. And the longer their eyes spoke to each other, the more he was convinced this weird thing they had between them wasn’t just that of friends.

“I…” his hyung licked his lips, “I should probably go do my take…” Without speaking, Changkyun quickly climbed off him. He didn’t understand what was going on inside him in the slightest and that left him speechless and confused. Hoseok sat up and rubbed the back of his head,

“That really hurt,” he said, laughing softly. Changkyun appreciated his attempt to assure the maknae that everything was still as it was, but he still couldn’t fight the unsettling sensation in his stomach. Wonho jumped down from the car, the goggles in his hand. 

“Sorry for stealing those,” Changkyun found himself saying. Wonho turned towards him,

“I’ll find a way to pay you back, maknae. Just watch.” He laughed,

“Ok, hyung.” It wasn’t until Wonho disappeared beyond the set of “Rush” that he could finally breathe again. Regardless of the confusion, he knew in his gut that this wasn’t right. To be blushing from simply seeing Wonho from a dominant point of view—thinking about him constantly and anticipating the next time he’d feel his hyung’s arms around his shoulders, it wasn’t natural. Not even for girls from his past did his heart feel like this. As opposed to his hyung who had a clear understanding where the line between friendship and romance was drawn, Changkyun found it becoming quite blurry. He liked Wonho a lot, but did he like him in that way? It didn’t feel possible because he always thought he was attracted to women. But now his feelings were being tested and he didn’t know whether or not to fight it.

 

“My type?” Minhyuk said, “Hmm…I like sexy and mature girls.”

“I like cute girls,” Jooheon stated.

“I know, I know. I met your last girlfriend, remember?” Changkyun crossed his arms over the rail of the top bunk,

“You had to break up with her, right? When you knew you were gonna debut?”

“Yeah,” Jooheon nodded, “But we’re still friends. She understood how hard it was for idols to maintain romantic relationships. She agreed to end things for my sake.”

“Do you think you’ll try dating again?” he asked.

“I don’t think it’s worth it, Changkyun,” Jooheon said, “I’m too busy these days to try and hide something like that.”

“Hide…” The word lingered in Changkyun’s head. He was already hiding something from the members and he was hiding even more things from himself.

“What’s Changkyun’s type?” Minhyuk asked.

“Hmm…” he tapped his fingers against the wooden bar, “I don’t…really have one. Maybe someone flirty and weirdly cute? But if we get along well, then that’s all that matters.”

“Changkyun’s type sounds really chic,” Jooheon observed, “I think she’d match you well.”

“Do you think Wonho-hyung has a type?” he asked before he could bite his tongue. Thankfully the other two weren’t as suspicious of him as Kihyun was.

“Nah…he likes everyone the same,” Minhyuk said. 

“But he does like both genders,” Jooheon thought, “I wonder if he has a type for each. Like if he likes sporty girls but quiet boys…” Changkyun’s lips tightened together; he didn’t know why but he suddenly felt jealous towards all the sporty girls and quiet boys in the world. Minhyuk shook his head,

“Wouldn’t his type be the same regardless of gender?” 

“I guess,” Jooheon thought about it, “I never really saw Wonho-hyung having a relationship with anyone though. Like you said, he just likes people. He doesn’t really single people out.”

“Right, he makes everyone feel special,” Minhyuk agreed. Changkyun suddenly felt his throat becoming dry. His stomach tightened unpleasantly, and he didn’t know why. Did he need to use the bathroom? Was he hungry? No. He just ate a few minutes ago. So, what was this? Changkyun laid back down on his bed, his eyes on the ceiling. Even as Minhyuk and Jooheon went on to discuss other things, he found himself trapped in his confusing thoughts and unwanted feelings.

 

Three of Wonho’s friends from before he debuted visited a few days later. Changkyun stood awkwardly in the living room as they made themselves at home. The girl kept looking at him every other second—which made him want to leave all the more. But he didn’t want to be rude—especially if they were pals of Wonho’s.

“Jooheon-shi,” one of the guys Wonho introduced as Jisung called out, “I heard you rap in your guys’ last song—'Trespass?’ It was really intense!”

“Ah, really?” Jooheon shyly nodded, his cheeks red, as the guy shook his hand.

“It’s really my style,” Jisung continued.

“Thank you.”

“Hoseok, we should go before the restaurant closes,” the other guy—Sungmin said to Wonho, briefly tapping him on the shoulder. Changkyun tried not to be irritated at the fact that he didn’t use any honorifics with him and that he touched him so casually.

“Yeah, ok. Let me just get my jacket,” his hyung said.

“You’re leaving?” Changkyun asked as he walked by, “The showcase is a week away.”

“Just for an hour,” Wonho replied, “Don’t tell the managers, ok?” Changkyun tried to protest but fell weak when his hyung winked at him. After Wonho left to his room, Sungmin came up to him and briefly patted his shoulder,

“Don’t worry. We’ll return your hyung to you as soon as possible. It’s just been a while since we last saw each other.”

“Yeah, and Sungmin-hyung especially missed him, huh?” Jisung teased, putting his arm around Sungmin’s shoulders. 

“This again?” the guy sighed.

“Come on. You always thought Hoseok-hyung was cute for a guy.”

“He is cute,” the girl—Hana said. 

“Of course, you think that ‘cause you’re a girl,” Jisung said. “But Sungmin-hyung once said he’d date Hoseok-hyung if he was interested, remember?”

“What? I don’t remember that!”

“Hoseok is appealing to both boys and girls,” Sungmin stated simply, “But I wouldn’t date him.”

“Why not?”

“I like mature people.”

“Are you saying Hoseok isn’t mature?”

“He’s too carefree. I don’t think he’d take a relationship seriously.” On instinct, Changkyun stepped forward, his hand already in a fist. He barely lifted it before Wonho returned, interrupting his rage-filled action. The four of them left almost immediately, leaving Changkyun alone with the bitter jealousy that gnawed his heart until it turned black.


	5. I Wanna Steal Everything

In truth, Wonho wanted to stay home and practice with the members. Sungmin, Jisung, and Hana’s visit was unexpected and last-minute; and he couldn’t afford to lose time—especially when they were finally so close to the comeback day. However, he felt bad they’d come all this way just to see him. In that case, he figured he could spare an hour or two. They decided to eat at a smaller restaurant—one he and the others frequently went to during their trainee days. It was nice to be back but returning also brought some stressful memories.

As they sat down and commenced to eat and talk, Wonho slowly began to question how he became friends with the three of them in the first place. They knew him back when he played around a lot and most likely trusted he was still that person—which explained the casual and vulgar way they spoke to him. He was a bit hurt they didn’t see his efforts to become someone more reliable and responsible—especially after his experience on No Mercy. But the other part of him didn’t much care to impress them. The members always seemed to accept him regardless of his past. They were willing to understand him, and they appreciated his will to be a decent hyung—a protector of Monsta X. The three strangers he currently sat with were simply ghosts from his past; he didn’t know the people they were now, and they certainly didn’t know him.

“Let’s drink tonight, Hoseok-hyung,” Jisung suggested, throwing his arm around Wonho’s shoulders. The sudden hold made him jolt forward causing him to nearly spill his bowl of hot yukaejang.

“Ah, I’m good,” he smiled, “I have to work in the morning.”

“Tsk, boring.”

“I heard you’ll be having a comeback soon, oppa,” Hana said, “How’s it going?”

“Good,” he ate some kimchi, “We’re prepared but we always need more practice.”

“More practice?” Jisung laughed loudly, “You guys are already ready, but you still waste time putting in extra effort? Do you think your fans will care?” Wonho found his voice absent; he cleared his throat before eating some more kimchi.

“We have high standards, Jisung,” he said, “And our fans deserve nothing but our best.” The three of them were dumbfounded from his response; they remained still and silent for a moment before Hana awkwardly stood up from the table,

“I’ll have a drink with you, Jisung-oppa,” she said.

“Uh…” Jisung nervously looked over at Wonho before standing up, “Ok, sure.” The two left for the bar rather quickly—as though to avoid angering him any further. 

“He’s harmless, Hoseok,” Sungmin said to him after a while.

“Yeah, I know,” he continued eating regardless of the disconcerting feeling in his stomach. Sungmin leaned over the table,

“What’s up with you tonight?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been tense since we left the house.”

“Ah, really? Sorry…I’m just tired.” He could feel Sungmin’s doubting eyes on him.

“That guy…the rapper. I.M, right?” The utterance of Changkyun’s name made him look up, his ears suddenly hot.

“What about him?” he asked.

“He’s the maknae, isn’t he?”

“Uh…yeah, why?” Sungmin laughed nervously,

“He looked at me like he was gonna kill me.”

“What?” he fought back a smile, “Why?”

“I don’t know…I just got the vibe he didn’t like me very much—even though he knew I was older.”

“Ah…” he felt himself blushing, “That’s just how he usually is…”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. He’s rude to all his hyungs.”

“Hmm…what a weird guy.” 

“He kinda is, isn’t he?” Hoseok didn’t know why but talking about Changkyun then—especially after such a disappointing evening—made his stomach flutter and he suddenly missed him. He missed his silent presence by his side and the occasional moments when he was comfortable enough to laugh loudly.

“I heard about your scandal a few months ago…” Sungmin suddenly said, his arms crossed. “Sounds like it was a pain in the ass.”

“It wasn’t too bad,” his voice was small. “Our fans still support us regardless of my past, and the members took it well.”

“Do they know?” 

“Huh?”

“About your…” he coughed, “Preferences.” Wonho stirred his soup rhythmically. 

“Yeah...”

“Do you ever think about dating one of them?” His hand paused before his eyes flicked towards Sungmin,

“I’m not attracted to every guy I see if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No, I…of course that’s not what I’m asking,” he scratched the back of his head, “I just…I know how hard it was for you back then…to find yourself and to fit in. I don’t know. All your members just seem like good guys so…it wouldn’t be surprising…”

“Sungmin,” he sat up, his back against the seat, “I’m not comfortable talking about this kind of thing.” 

“Ok, ok,” he held up his hands in surrender, “Sorry.” Thank goodness there was music playing in the restaurant or it would’ve been the most awkward stretch of silence he’d ever sat in. Wonho looked down, eyes on the diamond pattern of the table top,

“Why did you guys visit me?” 

“What do you mean ‘why?’ Because we wanted to see you.”

“But you must’ve known I’d be different—that I’d changed.”

“Have you changed though, Hoseok?” Sungmin’s eyes were sharp and Wonho thought that if he moved, they’d cut him to shreds. “You were a party boy back then—loud and obnoxious. You had an energy none of us could keep up with—a recklessness we admired. I still see that in you.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be responsible and mature, too,” he said, his voice becoming hot. 

“Of course, you’ve always been their reliable big brother,” Sungmin sighed, “But come on…I see some of your videos with your members. You’re still a little naive and immature.”

“I’m fine with that,” he barked.

“Why are you getting angry?”

“I…” he squeezed his hands into fists, “I’m trying to grow from my past—to become someone better. Even if I’m not there now…I know I’ll continue to change. But you and the others…you stayed the same…still speaking rudely and swearing like we’re still 16. And you, Sungmin…trying to figure me out—trying to dissect me and constantly asking me why—instead of just accepting me for who I am.” He shook his head angrily, feeling the tears swell up in his eyes, “All that shit I went through to get here…I’m not gonna hide from it…but I’m not gonna let it define me either. I’m done with this part of my life.”

“Hoseok…” He dug inside his jacket pocket and pulled out his wallet.

“Apologize to the Hana and Jisung for me,” as he said this, he left his amount for the dinner as well as extra for their waiter before walking out. 

 

He got home later than he’d initially assumed due to the late traffic. The taxi was also money he didn’t think he’d spend. After thanking the driver and paying, he rushed inside. It was a few minutes beyond 1 AM so he assumed the others were already sleeping. That was why he was shocked to find the maknae sitting on the living room floor—his back against the couch, a bottle of beer in his hand and the rest of the case at his side. Wonho immediately stepped forward, shocked,

“Changkyun-ah, what are you doing?” Changkyun didn’t look drunk. Just a bit tipsy. His gaze was distant, and he didn’t seem to comprehend Wonho’s presence until a few seconds later. He slowly looked up, his unreadable gaze falling upon his hyung,

“Oh…” he said softly, “You’re back. That’s funny, I thought you said you’d only be gone an hour.” Wonho was stunned. Was the maknae truly upset about that still? From the tone of his voice, one would assume that was the whole reason he was drinking in the first place. 

“Where are the others?” Wonho asked.

“Um…sleeping I think?” the maknae burped before taking a long chug, “We were all pretty tired after practice but…for some reason I couldn’t sleep.” Hoseok suddenly felt bad for him. He must’ve been going through a lot of stress and other things that he wasn’t even aware of. The maknae wasn’t very open about his feelings and he had a hard time getting comfortable when it came to connecting with the other members. 

He walked towards him and calmly took a seat by his side,

“Mind if I join you?” he asked. Changkyun shrugged indifferently before taking another sip. Aah, the maknae was still acting shy even after they’d become so close. Wonho eyed the case for a moment before pulling it over and opening one himself. He had a high tolerance for alcohol—more than the other members. If Changkyun were to get drunk, he’d still be conscious enough to deal with it properly. 

“How was your little reunion?” The maknae asked, the end of his sentence already beginning to slur.

“Ah…” he laughed before placing the bottle to his lips. He took a long sip before hitting Changkyun on the shoulder, “Why didn’t I just listen to you and stay home, maknae-ah? You should’ve convinced me harder that it was a bad idea!”

“Huh? How was I supposed to know?” Changkyun rubbed the area he’d hit. It was quiet for a moment before the maknae let out a few nervous coughs, “Did something happen?” he asked shyly. Wonho looked over at him, giving him a small smirk before casually hitting the side of the opening against his bottom lip,

“They were ghosts from a certain time in my life,” he said quietly, “I was just reminded of how I was back then. Made me feel…unnecessary things…” He kept his eyes forward, unable to look the maknae in the eye. Soon, he felt Changkyun’s hand on his back. His body immediately tensed up at the sudden touch, but it quickly relaxed when the maknae gently massaged and comforted him. He gave into the sensation for only a moment—succumbing to the warm hand of someone younger than him. For what felt like hours, they sat there in that small living room drinking that beer—Changkyun’s hand on his back and his eyes focused on the ground. Wonho didn’t know why he needed this; he just knew that he did.

Changkyun was already drunk by the third bottle. His head was buried in his arms and Wonho was almost certain he’d pass out. He shook his arm gently,

“Maknae-ah…wake up,” he murmured, “Come on, I’ll take you to your room.” An incoherent mumbling came from the maknae then and Wonho had to lean in closer to hear. It didn’t take long for him to realize he was saying his name—his real name.

“Mm, Hoseok’s here,” he said softly, pushing Changkyun’s hair from his face. He wanted him to lift it so their eyes would meet but the guy seemed intent on keeping it burrowed and hidden. 

“It hurts…” he heard Changkyun mumble.

“Hm? What hurts?” he tilted his head.

“Being with Hoseok…” the maknae’s voice was trembling, “It hurts…” Wonho furrowed his eyebrows, confused. It wasn’t until Changkyun let out a familiar, choked sob that he realized he was crying. He quickly grabbed Changkyun’s shoulders from behind and pulled him to his chest. Only the maknae refused his embrace, breaking apart rather violently. 

“Stop, stop! Shit, why do you do this to me?” Changkyun cried, his voice getting louder with each word he uttered. Wonho could only stare with wide eyes. His heart sank when the guy finally looked at him with a devastation that still would’ve been buried had he not drank too much.

“Changkyun, calm down…”

“No…I…” his sluggish body fell against the couch. He buried his face into his hand, “I can’t be around you anymore…this is…it’s too much…” Hoseok stared at him, mouth tightened with concern. What was this about? He’d been drunk with Changkyun before, but the guy was never the type to cry like this. He got up to get him some water but found his wrist snatched by the maknae.

“Maknae--!”

“For how much longer are you gonna dick me around, Hoseok?” 

“What?” He was becoming uncomfortable and hurt with how many curse words were leaving Changkyun’s mouth. What was making him say such things?

“Even if…you treat everyone the same…” his eyelids began to flutter, “You can’t deny…what…that our relationship is…”

“Changkyunnie,” Wonho knelt down and grabbed his shoulders before he tipped over. He leaned in to lift him but stopped when his face fell inches from the maknae’s. Changkyun stared at him with glossy eyes, his cheeks flushed from the alcohol. Wonho had felt this sensation before—when Changkyun fell atop him in the van. He’d denied it then and he wanted to deny it now. More than anything, he didn’t want it to be true. Please, he begged, please just go away. Go away. These stupid feelings, please…just…go away…

“I had a crappy night too, you know,” Wonho felt his eyes begin to burn, “I didn’t even want to drink…but I drank with you anyway…ah…” Then his voice broke, “I tried so hard to be a good hyung for you, maknae…” Before he knew it, he felt tears sliding down his cheeks. He didn’t understand why. Was his alcohol tolerance not as good as he thought? His vision became fuzzy once he looked into Changkyun’s eyes again—eyes that desired something from him—something vulgar.

It’d been a while since he’d kissed someone—especially like this. The maknae’s lips were rather hungry—desperately and sloppily pushing against Wonho’s until he forgot how to breathe. Wonho suddenly felt helpless underneath him, his sense of control slipping more and more every time Changkyun’s drunk tongue met his own. Before he knew it, he was on his back, the maknae on top. What sort of alcohol did they drink to make them this way? His body melted in pleasure as Changkyun’s messy hands grabbed for his pants, his fingers kneading into the thick wrinkles of his jeans. He held back a desperate moan.

It wasn’t until the maknae whispered his name again—this time in a low and sensual tone—that he finally came to his senses. Hands on Changkyun’s shoulders, he roughly pushed him off and frantically stood from the ground. He stared down at him, his heart pounding. The maknae’s face was hidden—shadowed—from where he stood. But it wasn’t as though he could’ve read it anyway.

“Changkyun, I…” his voice was shaking, and he felt his pride as a hyung plummet, “I’m…”

“Drunk…?”

“Sorry…”

“Oh…guess that works, too.”

“Look, we…” he gulped, “We should forget this happened and just go to bed…”

“Forget…” Changkyun repeated. “Ok…yeah…let’s forget…” Wonho tried to ignore the slight waver that left his lips at the end of his last word. He rubbed his palm into his eye socket, his face was sweltering but he didn’t know if it was from the alcohol or from Changkyun. 

“You’re not in your right mind right now so…I’ll take responsibility,” he said, “Let me help you to your room.”

“No…it’s ok,” the maknae mumbled, “I’ll manage on my own.” Hoseok pressed his tingling lips together. 

“Ok…night.” He looked at Changkyun one last time before awkwardly stumbling his way to his room—the feeling of the maknae’s hot and desperate hands still lingering on his body.


	6. Follow Your Heart

There was a throbbing ache in Changkyun’s head when he woke up that morning. When he placed his hand against his forehead, he felt his veins pulsing rapidly. He slowly sat up and found Jooheon and Minhyuk’s beds empty. How late was it? Kihyun burst into his room a moment later, smoke steaming from the top of his head,

“Changkyun-shi!” he shouted, “Jesus, I tried to wake you five times now! Hurry up and get dressed already!” Kihyun chucked something but it was too light to reach him and fluttered to the ground—a towel or shirt maybe. He left before Changkyun could fully grasp the situation. It wasn’t until he was brushing his teeth after shutting off the light because the fluorescent bulbs gave him a headache that he remembered getting drunk the previous night. He remembered Wonho coming home and he remembered drinking with him. The rest was a blur.

He concluded he did something embarrassing because, as he ate his cold toast, he noticed Wonho avoiding his gaze. It was more obvious on the ride to the studio and even more so when they danced.

“Hoseok, take a few steps towards Changkyunnie,” Shownu instructed him. Wonho did as he was told but didn’t bother to look in his direction. When the music started, they ended up bumping into each other again, causing the other five to become frustrated. 

“Look around you first!” Hyungwon yelled, “If Changkyun is moving this way you have to move with him!”

“Ok, ok, I got it,” Wonho nodded breathlessly, wiping the bridge of his nose with his shirt.

“Hyung, we can go over it together if you want,” Changkyun offered. He expected him to finally look at him but Hoseok only shook his head quickly before returning to his position. Of course, it hurt to be ignored by Wonho. Even though Changkyun was upset about his hyung bailing on them last night, he still longed for his attention and his comforting arm around his shoulder. It felt cold when he didn’t meet his eyes; he didn’t think he’d ever want such a thing so badly.

 

After practicing for over seven hours, he still had enough strength to talk to Wonho. Unfortunately, his hyung had other plans for the night.

“Minhyuk and I were gonna go out to eat,” Hoseok told him casually, “Sorry.”

“Oh…uh…ok, that’s fine. Is there…?” he licked his lips, “Another time we can talk?”

“What would we talk about?” his hyung asked.

“Just…I…” he found his confidence diminishing inside him. Wonho stepped forward and placed a familiar hand on his shoulder,

“Changkyun-ah, don’t sweat it, alright?” he gave him a brief smile before disappearing into his room. Changkyun remained in the hallway—frozen. The feeling that Hoseok’s hand left on him suddenly cleared the fog that’d clouded the events of last night.

He remembered it well—the tears on Wonho’s cheeks, his trembling mouth, their kiss. Why and how he could forget such a thing was lost to him. He’d actually made out with his hyung—a man; someone he’d come to like and respect more than he’d ever admit. The details were also now clearly vivid; he remembered becoming aroused quickly, the soft but brief sound of his hyung sighing underneath him, how badly his heart hurt when he told him to “forget.” So, this had been the answer to his confusion—to his suffering? He wanted Hoseok as a lover? He wanted to kiss him like that again? No. It didn’t feel right. It was strange, wasn’t it? Suddenly turning friendship into romance—it couldn’t just happen like that. Changkyun knew he loved Hoseok as a friend, a brother, a member of Monsta X. But the idea of dating his hyung scared him. And he was even more afraid that they’d already crossed that line with their drunk and reckless kiss. Perhaps forgetting was the easier solution after all. It would save plenty of heartache, more confusion—it would save Monsta X from another scandal as well. Exploring these feelings would only breed tragedy. So, it was better to cut the flower at the bud before it could bloom.

 

The showcase was a day away. With the amount of days that’d passed, Changkyun found himself being comfortable around Wonho again. They laughed together like usual and didn’t bring up what’d happened that night. It felt better this way—it felt right. Perhaps the actions they’d taken during their drunk and weak moment had been an accident—a mistake—and they would move past it as they’d moved past many emotional and embarrassing things before. The vlive they did before the comeback was fun and lighthearted. K.Will-hyung brought them pizza and hung out a bit before he had to leave. All seven of them were excited about the comeback. After working so hard day after day, they were ready to show the fans their new strength. Wonho was especially energetic—dancing and playing around with him as they’d done in the past. His usual, bright, and cheerful attitude made Changkyun believe they could easily return to how they used to be.

He collapsed on the couch after they returned from the studio—unable to make it to his room. It’d been a long day with the Girl’s collection event and extended hours of practice. The others sluggishly went to bed, some grabbing a late-night snack or two in the process. Changkyun’s eyelids were becoming heavy; he heard Kihyun tell him to go to sleep but still couldn’t find himself to move. The exhaustion was spreading through his veins like rain water through the cracks on the roads. 

He slightly opened one of his eyes when he felt the weight on the couch shift. He found Wonho sitting beside him. 

“Your room’s only a few feet away, maknae,” he said softly.

“Mm…” Changkyun snuggled himself further into the couch, “I just want to lay here a little bit longer…”

“Then should I leave?” He peaked over at his hyung before closing his eyes again,

“You can stay if you want…” Wonho’s gentle laugh made his heart skip a beat. He immediately denied it happened. His hyung scooted a bit closer and Changkyun feared for when and where he intended to stop diminishing the space between them. Suddenly, he didn’t feel so tired anymore. In fact, he was more alert than ever. Breath sucked in his throat, he waited until Wonho sat close enough for their shoulders to touch. 

“Changkyun, I…I’m glad we could be friends again…” his hyung suddenly said, unaware of the struggle Changkyun was going through inside. The last time they were alone together, they ended up crossing that dangerous line. He couldn’t let it happen a second time—not after Wonho finally started to acknowledge his presence again. Hands clasped together, he leaned forward with his arms on his knees.

“We were always friends…” he said shyly, “We never stopped, hyung.”

“Really?” He nodded.

“Whatever happened…doesn’t change how I feel about you.” An audible tick went by.

“The way I reacted though…” Hoseok cleared his throat, “Ignoring you and stuff. I don’t think it was really mature of me,” He took off his pink cap and tossed it somewhere before shaking out his long, brown bangs. Changkyun suddenly felt his throat becoming dry when he saw his fingers pushing them back, uncovering his pretty eyes. He didn’t want to gulp but he suddenly needed to.

“It’s ok…I…it wasn’t a common situation so…I understand.” His hyung let out a dissatisfied sigh. He laid a hand on Changkyun’s shoulder when he spoke,

“Thanks for not making a big deal out of it,” he gave him a smile, but his eyes were glossy, and he looked in pain, “Something like this could become a feast for reporters.” 

“We were drunk—something like Jooheon butchering karaoke when he’s had too many…” he briefly touched Wonho’s knee, “It doesn’t need to be brought up again…” Wonho’s low and nervous laugh made him feel guilty for those bitter lies on his tongue. 

“Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up before the showcase tomorrow…I don’t want you being distracted in front of our fans.”

“Oh…” he licked his lips nervously, “Well, then…I really appreciate it, hyung.”

“Sure.” An awkward silence swallowed them then. Changkyun never felt this uncomfortable around Wonho before. They’ve always managed to laugh and have a good time together. They were always playing around and flirting—his hyung energizing him like a battery. Now they could barely share a second of eye contact and their common frequency of innocent friendship was destroyed. Changkyun wished he could say something to dispel the unwanted tension in the air. He wished that he’d been honest with his feelings and told Wonho the truth; but he’d buried such things beneath the denial and the fear.

Another moment passed before his hyung finally stood from the couch and bid him goodnight. Changkyun could only nod politely despite feeling conflicted; their atmosphere had been awkward and uncomfortable, so why did he still desire for him to stay? He couldn’t help but feel regret as he watched Hoseok go. It’d been his fault from the beginning—getting drunk and having been the one to initiate the kiss. He didn’t remember what he said to Wonho, but he knew it must’ve been just as embarrassing, if not more, than the kiss itself. 

He’d told his hyung it was ok to move on and to forget but of course, such a thing could not be forgotten so easily. Wonho was around him almost every minute of the day; he was always in Changkyun’s eyeline with that adorable, gummy smile. It was painful. He wasn’t an idiot and he knew such a thing would be impossible for them—it was why he wanted to forget in the first place. But when Hoseok wrapped his arm around him, that kiss was all he could think about. And he suddenly longed to have him that close again.

 

As his hyung had wished for him, he did his best to be in the moment—undistracted by pointless things. He had fun with the members—Wonho included—and the “Rush” comeback showcase ended rather quickly. They went to a restaurant afterwards and Changkyun was looking forward to eating and celebrating with his brothers. However, he soon found his simple wish too ambitious. 

The young waitress was clearly flirting with Wonho. She touched him too familiarly, smiled too widely, returned to their table too frequently. Changkyun tried to ignore her when she spoke to his hyung, but he found himself glaring. The food he ate suddenly tasted unpleasant; no matter how much cola he drank, he was still thirsty. The strange jealousy made him feel petty and small. It was no mood to be in when celebrating their long-awaited comeback. But he couldn’t help it. When she asked Wonho questions he already knew the answers to, he had to hold himself back from rolling his eyes. 

He spent the rest of the dinner buried in his meal—not even bothering to speak with the others. Suddenly, he was overwhelmed with the urge to be alone. He wanted to escape to his studio and forget ever spending time with their fans and his brothers. The happy feelings he got when he stood on that stage only hours ago were suddenly forgotten and replaced with a queasiness—a helplessness—in his stomach.

Despite being tired, he agreed to go out with Jooheon, Shownu, and Hyungwon after they got home. It wasn’t something they ran by the manager—which made Changkyun want to go even more. After an evening of witnessing a girl shamelessly hitting on his Wonho-hyung, he felt like breaking the rules and being rebellious. 

“Hyunwoo, don’t keep Changkyunnie out too late,” Kihyun ordered, his arms crossed. He was already in his pajamas and slippers—his mud mask not allowing Changkyun to take him seriously. Shownu rubbed Changkyun’s shoulder,

“I’ll make sure to protect our maknae.”

“You say that now when you’re sober…” Right at that moment, Hoseok exited the third bedroom where they all kept their extra clothes—wearing a cap, leather jacket, and grey turtleneck. Changkyun’s eyes widened—both from his handsome, mature appearance and at the fact that he was dressed up to go out.

“Hyung’s coming, too?” Hyungwon asked the question for him.

“Only to keep an eye on you guys,” he said coolly, “Don’t want to wake up tomorrow and find out I have to bail half of Monsta X out of jail.”

“We’re just going to the karaoke bar,” Shownu said.

“I know,” Wonho patted Hyunwoo on the shoulder, “But it’s the second word I’m worried about.” Despite laughing along with the others, Changkyun couldn’t fight the sudden fist of anxiety that clenched inside his stomach. He attempted to stay as far away from Wonho as they left the house and gathered inside the taxi. 

It was a karaoke bar they frequented whenever they were stressed from work. Usually, it was pretty empty—especially during these late hours; however, on this particular night, a group of girls were there as well and asked if they could join them. Not wanting to be rude, the boys invited them into their booth.

“Jooheon-shi, should we sing a duet together?” One of the girls asked. 

“Uh, s-sure,” Jooheon’s dimples were suddenly pink. Changkyun drummed his fingers against his knee hoping the strangers wouldn’t try to talk to him. He wasn’t in the mood to speak with other people—especially if they were girls. Girls were apparently what he preferred according to Wonho. And they were apparently the only ones allowed to flirt with him.

For a majority of the time, Changkyun tucked himself in the corner of the booth with a glass of water in front of him. Once in a while, he’d take a sip and quench his dry mouth but other than that, he remained rather still. He kept to himself the whole time while the others were screeching and hollering their lungs off.

“Seriously, you guys look so familiar,” another girl took a seat next to his hyung who was sitting at the other table. But Changkyun still had a perfect view of the scene. 

She smiled, “Are you idols?”

“Who knows?” Hoseok joked.

“Aw, don’t mess with me,” she slapped him on the arm and scooted a bit closer, “I swear I’ve seen you on a music show once.”

“Really?”

“Hmm…if I guess what group you guys are, will you buy me a drink?” His hyung laughed softly,

“Sure.”

“Hey, that’s not fair,” Another girl chimed in, “Then I want to try and guess, too.” The first girl glared at her heatedly before sinking herself further into Wonho, her shoulder pushing against his chest. Changkyun immediately looked down and coughed, unable to comprehend the upsurge of anger that was bubbling up inside him. 

“Oppa,” she pulled on the sleeve of Hoseok’s jacket, “How old are you?”

“You’re calling me oppa already?” Wonho asked.

“I can’t?”

“Yeah, stop being so forward, idiot,” her friend hit her on the leg, “Now, scoot over; I want to sit, too.” Changkyun suddenly heard a sharp piercing in his ear and it wasn’t just Jooheon’s high note. The waitress from their dinner had been annoying enough but now he had to endure two random girls pressing themselves against his Wonho? What sort of vengeance was this? Was it his punishment for having made things strange between them in the first place? Because of his feelings for Wonho? Because he could not control them? Because they scared and confused him and that was why he’d gotten so drunk in the first place?

“If you’re an idol, you should give me advice on my singing,” one of the girls laughed, wrapping her small arms around Wonho’s, “If I don’t improve by tonight, you should give me your phone number.”

“Changkyun-ah…Changkyun…” he faintly heard Jooheon’s voice in the distance, but suddenly everything sounded muffled. The music, the loud bass, the voices of the girls and his members—they were noises suffocated behind a sheet of glass. And he suddenly couldn’t think about anything but the rage that was viciously pounding at the front door.

“Changkyunnie!” Hyungwon shouted, jolting Changkyun back into reality. He looked around him quickly and realized they were all staring at him. Jooheon stood in front of him—holding the karaoke mic.

“It’s your turn,” he said slowly, a confused expression on his face.

“Ah…” Changkyun gulped embarrassingly as he let the situation sink in, “Someone can go before me, I…haven’t thought of a song yet…”

“I’ll go!” the girl that sat by Wonho said, raising her hand straight in the air, “But oppa has to sing with me.”

“Actually, I have to go to the bathroom,” his hyung politely stood from the table and nodded, “Excuse me.” 

“Aww…hurry back, ok?” A few seconds after the girl’s song started and the others were distracted with her high, off-key voice, Changkyun frantically climbed out of the booth and ran towards the bathrooms. 

He found his hyung at the sink when he entered. Wonho was clearly surprised to see him but nevertheless, continued to wash his hands as though nothing had happened. Changkyun angrily crossed his arms, his eyes on Hoseok’s back. A long moment of silence ticked by—that same awkward tension he felt the night they pretended like that kiss didn’t change anything between them.

Finally, Wonho let out a frustrated sigh before turning around to face him, “Is there something you want to say to me, I.M?” Changkyun was taken aback for a moment—having wanted to be the angry one in this situation. Why was his hyung the one frustrated?

“Sure,” he barked in reaction, “If hyung isn’t eager to get back.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I think you know.” Wonho shook his head, 

“Is this becoming a thing now?” from his tone, he sounded quite annoyed, “Us sneaking off to talk in the bathroom when we need to tell each other something?” Changkyun’s eyes narrowed,

“Those girls…”

“What about them?”

“I just think it’s cruel of you to give them false hope,” he said aloud. He would’ve been ashamed of how easily his jealousy was seeping out under any other circumstance. But now he was unleashed and he could not stop. Wonho-hyung blinked numerous times before reacting,

“What?”

“You’re an idol, right? You shouldn’t be messing around like this.”

“Ah, so you think me talking to girls is considered messing around…”

“I saw it in their eyes, hyung,” Changkyun sighed, “They weren’t just being friendly.” Wonho’s eyes widened for a moment before he shoved his hands into his pockets,

“Ok, so they were flirting. If I don’t flirt back it doesn’t matter, does it?”

“Well, you could’ve put in a little more effort on that part.”

“What the hell are you say--?” His hyung immediately stopped speaking as he seemed to realize what was going on. He cleared his throat nervously and Changkyun could see that his neck was turning red. 

“Why are you being so weird, maknae?” he asked. Changkyun embarrassingly looked down from his confrontation. What a good question that was. Not even he knew the answer to it.

“I…I’m not…”

“You’re getting angry with me for no reason I don’t…I don’t understand what…” His hyung covered his trembling mouth with his hand, “You said it wasn’t a big deal—that it didn’t mean anything so why…why are you acting like this?” Of course, Changkyun didn’t have a response to that question—not without pulling out feelings he was supposed to bury and not without burdening his hyung any more than he already had. So, he remained quiet as he attempted to come up with things to say to make Wonho stay—to make him not return to those girls and to the lie they both wanted so badly to be the truth.

“Changkyun, you don’t have a right to be mad at me. Or jealous—or whatever the hell this is,” Hoseok finally said, his eyes glistening; he wore on his face a pain that Changkyun didn’t understand. He only knew that it made his chest hurt. His hyung looked down, his dark eyebrows scrunched together, “What happened that night…it happened because we were drunk…we didn’t know what we were doing, and I don’t blame you for that but…I don’t think we should bring it up anymore…it’s…it’s too troublesome.”

“Hyung, I…”

“Let’s just go back, ok?” Changkyun suddenly felt his heart drop when he saw Wonho turn to leave. Helpless…petty…confused and jealous—emotions he never knew resided inside him. So, what was he to do in this situation? Let him go? He couldn’t imagine sitting on the side and watching those girls flirt with his hyung for another second, continuing on like this—pretending everything was ok when they both knew what had happened between them. The idea of dating Wonho scared him but this—this false act that would eventually lead to losing him forever—was about the most frightening thing he could think of at the moment.

Before a single thought could enter his mind, he raced forward and grabbed Hoseok’s arm.

“Maknae, dont--!” Since he didn’t have Wonho’s muscles, he used the intrusion of his own body to back him up against the wall. 

“Changkyun!” His hyung scolded angrily, “Stop messing around!” He struggled to move passed him but Changkyun’s hands were on the wall, cornering and preventing him from leaving. Only for a moment did he see the shock and fear in his hyung’s eyes before he boldly crushed his lips into Wonho’s.

He was expecting Hoseok to push him off right away, but his mouth was surprisingly compliant as though it’d been achingly waiting for him since that night.  
“Changkyun-ah…stop…mhmm…wait…” Changkyun felt his teeth slightly graze against his own when he spoke, strangely arousing him even more. He leaned in further, wanting to consume all of him. Wonho’s lips were as soft and delicious as he remembered—innocent rose petals that forcefully pushed against his own in a dangerous way. Changkyun caressed his face as they continued to kiss; a pleasant tingling ran down his spine when he heard Wonho quietly gasp and moan underneath his touch. 

Soon, his hyung was entangled in him—his arms wrapped around Changkyun’s neck, pulling and tugging at him until their heat and breath seemed to have become one. Needless to say, he was quite shocked; he didn’t know Hoseok desired him this much. The way his hands were gripping onto his back, his neck, arms—how he teasingly continued to part his lips and then close them just as their tongues reacquainted themselves—the slight sadness that enveloped the soft sighs that left his lips as though he’d finally received an answer he’d been waiting on for years…Changkyun didn’t want to think of it too much but as he stood there shamelessly making out with Hoseok, he couldn’t help but feel the longing—the hidden, deep emotions—that’d been buried in his hyung’s heart and that made him want to desperately protect him.

Wonho had been the one to pull away and Changkyun could see his stream of consciousness slowly returning to him as he attempted to steady his breathing once more. Now they stood a few steps apart from each other and, though he knew he’d messed up, in that moment all Changkyun could think about was how beautiful he was. His messy, auburn hair, the slight trembling of his plump bottom lip, the innocent twinkle in his alluring eyes…he was irresistible. So, this was what it felt like to want something this badly. Changkyun looked down,

“I’m not drunk, hyung…” he said quietly, “So what should I blame this time?” When he saw the vulnerability in Hoseok’s eyes, he lost a heartbeat. He slowly reached out to him but his hyung immediately smacked his hand away; he gave Changkyun another heartbreaking look that only made the maknae feel even guiltier before running out the door.

“Hyung--!” he frantically called out as it slammed in his face. 

For a moment, he considered if he was in the correct position to go after him. After all, he didn’t know what his hyung was going through. He’d only known him for a few months. He didn’t know what his past had done to him and how the maknae’s sudden feelings affected him. Wonho didn’t tell him much about himself—especially when it was about the things that he feared—the things that kept him up at night. He always seemed to insist on smiling and laughing to save others the trouble and Changkyun appreciated that selfless part of him. But if his hyung was struggling then what was the point of looking the other way? How could he laugh with Hoseok if he constantly had to wonder which smiles were covering up his pain and which were real? He couldn’t take it anymore. These strange, unwanted feelings were jeopardizing his usual, polite nature as the maknae and Changkyun bolted after Wonho almost immediately. 

The girls and the other members clearly saw him running towards the front door, but he didn’t bother stopping to explain himself. He found his hyung standing outside—a few feet away from the entrance and facing the empty road. The night breeze felt nice on his skin—especially after their heated moment. Changkyun took in a few deep breaths of the cool air. He straightened up and saw Wonho with his hands tucked into his pockets. A gentle wind passed by; it seemed to have melted the tension from earlier.

“It’s…it’s dangerous to feel like this, Changkyun-ah,” his hyung said softly, “I know it’s…my fault for telling you…about me. So, I’m sorry…you’re probably just confused right now…”

“Of course, I’m confused,” he pushed his fingers through his hair with a sigh, “I’m confused because…I’m always thinking of you. I get jealous of anyone that looks at you and…ever since, before I sleep…I go back to that night—even though I don’t want to—I think about what I could’ve—what I should’ve done—instead. I think about the empty pieces that I can’t seem to remember, and I wonder if I pushed them out of my head on purpose. And then, after thinking about it over and over again…I dream of you and I dream of us…I dream of us being together—as a couple. So yeah…I’m confused as hell, Hoseok.” When Wonho remained silent, he walked forward until their shoulders brushed. It hurt him to feel his sudden jolt—as though his very touch was toxic. Changkyun kept his gaze on the empty store across the street.

“What did I say to you that night, hyung?” he asked. 

“Does it matter?”

“It does to me…” In the corner of his eye, he saw his hyung hesitate. Wonho, too, was now looking forward—perhaps in attempt to keep himself from crumbling.

“You told me it was painful to be near me,” he finally said, “You yelled at me…blamed me for messing with you…I didn’t understand all of it ‘cause you slurred everything but…I got the idea.”

“Hyung, I…” He felt like shit. “I’m sorry…”

“Is it really painful, Changkyunnie?” Wonho suddenly asked, “Being around me? Is it painful?” Changkyun suddenly felt a tightness in his chest. He shook his head,

“It’s only painful because I like you so much…” he confessed. Before he knew it, he was grabbing Wonho’s hand like a child, “I like you, hyung…” As he continued to keep his eyes down, he could’ve sworn he saw Hoseok’s other hand hesitate as though it really wanted to sandwich his own as well. But it was quickly pushed back into his hyung’s pocket. 

“You like me as your hyung—as your friend,” Wonho said coldly, “Don’t waste your time with a guy like me, maknae.”

“Why not…?” his throat quickly closed up as Hoseok took his hand back and left him shivering. Wonho looked over at him briefly before his gaze became distant,

“I’m…not a stable person, maknae. I’ve got baggage.” 

“Is that the only reason you’re running away? ‘Cause I can handle baggage.”

“It’s not…just that, Changkyunnie. The world’s not as simple as you think, ok? I’m not…” he shook his head, “This thing between us…it was never supposed to be said aloud…we weren’t supposed to…” his eyes suddenly began to water before he tore his gaze away, “Damn it…”

“Wonho-hyung…” he touched his shoulders and almost hugged him but that was when the other members exited the karaoke bar and interrupted their intimate moment. 

“Ah, that was so fun!” Jooheon exclaimed, “My voice is practically gone!”

“You did a lot of ballads,” Shownu pointed out with a laugh. 

“What are you guys doing out here?” Hyungwon asked when he noticed them. Hoseok sniffed back his tears rather quickly before answering,

“Nothing; we were just getting some air.”

“Ah, yeah it was pretty stuffy in there,” Jooheon said innocently, “Their perfume was really strong.” Changkyun lost Hoseok in the shuffle as they called for a taxi and began recalling the crazy night they had. He could only remain quiet and not allow the painful feelings he had for Wonho and the tragedy from having been rejected so pathetically to swallow him whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think the angst was coming this early either... O_O


	7. You Want This Too

He dreamt of Changkyun’s hands—his soft, intrepid hands—and woke up aroused. Fortunately, the guilt helped him calm down and he gained back his sanity shortly after wriggling himself from the dream world. Hoseok knew it was wrong to be thinking of the maknae this way. He was the hyung and a professional. The wet dreams may have passed when he was a teenager, but he was more than just an adult now; he was an idol. Yes, Wonho knew this well. He understood his behavior was a disappointment—a disgrace. Yet, his vulgar mind repeatedly went there regardless. He just couldn’t seem to fight it. The way Changkyun had kissed him that night still affected him now—a week later. His drunk lips were amateur in comparison to his sober ones and Wonho found himself instantaneously surrendering to his pleasure. Now, he wasn’t inexperienced in this field but the fact that it was Changkyun made him feel it differently. He didn’t know the maknae was capable of making his knees weak. He’d touched Wonho as though he was already his—his hands familiar on his body yet also very curious. And Wonho knew then—as he was smothering him with his kiss—that the maknae’s unexpected boldness would be his undoing.

If someone had asked him why he liked Changkyun so much, he’d probably fail to come up with a clear answer. The other members he understood well; he knew easily what each of their friendships meant to him. He loved them all the same. But it was difficult to explain his feelings for Changkyun. When he was around him, he felt different. He felt an excited child—suddenly incapable of stressing over troubling adult problems. Perhaps because he felt safe around Changkyun—safe to be silly and immature and reckless. He liked to touch him—his cute thin body—and hold his warm hand. His arm always went around his shoulders without realizing—as though it belonged there. It was easy to talk to Changkyun. He was always kind enough to listen—always looking at him when he spoke as though his words had the richest value. Wonho had always appreciated that. He knew he talked too much sometimes—spoke too quickly in words covered by his rapid stutters and nervous gibberish. But Changkyun seemed to hear him even when he couldn’t be heard. What was this feeling? He didn’t want to be rash and call it something childish like love. But he knew, whatever it was, it fell closer to love than anything else. 

 

As he signed the fan’s “Rush” album, he couldn’t fight the guilt that continued to grow inside. When she smiled lovingly at him, he only thought of the selfish lie that he’d allowed himself to partake in. He always thought of himself as a focused person. Even when his emotions ran hot, he used them to pursue the end goal. And when he became an idol, he knew he wouldn’t struggle in the slightest when it came to being a professional that knew his work was the most important thing. Changkyun was a miscalculation—an unexpected error in his plans. And as the fan stood up and moved onto the next member, his eyes slowly fell on Changkyun who was sitting at the end of the long table and he suddenly realized this buried truth was something he could not hide for very long. To him, the fans were everything. They motivated him to work harder, to be better, and were constantly supporting him and his brothers. He owed them his dedication—his heart. But now he was forced to wear a fake smile that hid his shame because his heart no longer belonged to his fans. It belonged to him. 

So what else was he to do but bury these feelings? He would be the Wonho that loved his fans more than anything—that would always be grateful for the gift of being an idol. There was no room in his heart to accept Changkyun. Plus, he utterly sucked at romantic relationships. And the fact that it was already forbidden for them to be involved—as two men in the kpop industry—in the first place, gave him little motivation to pursue such a selfish thing with Changkyun. It seemed more effort than it was worth. He liked the maknae just fine as a friend; there was no need to take it further than that. This unspoken crush between the two of them was all that it was—a crush. Wonho only hoped the maknae understood and saw it that way as well. These childish feelings could be controlled for the sake of their futures.

 

After the fansign, they returned to the dance studio to practice more. Between all seven of them, there was a mutual understanding that they needed to improve themselves even during promotion periods. This wasn’t their debut stage anymore so there were no excuses. If they didn’t get a win within their first year how were they to take over kpop? During the first few run-throughs of “Rush,” he jumped quite high at the chorus—energy still fresh and plentiful—unfortunately, towards the end of the practice, he no longer had strength in his legs. He wanted to lie down for a few minutes but Shownu insisted they run through the new choreography for “Hero” before heading home. It felt like his punishment for the sins he’d committed with the maknae.

As he took a hot shower, his legs were shaking nonstop. He had to place a hand against the tiled wall to remain standing still. He rarely took showers in the studio’s guest bathrooms, but he didn’t want to wait until they got home. His hair felt greasy and the sweat from practice stuck to his skin like thick syrup. The makeup from the earlier music show had sweated off and his face was flushed in a natural bright pink tint. It was an unpleasant state to be in—especially for a 15-minute car ride with six other equally-as-sweaty-boys—and he was grateful the fans never saw him like this.

“Wonho-hyung, we’ll be leaving in ten minutes!” Jooheon called into the bathroom.

“K!” he shouted back, rinsing the shampoo from his hair. He finished a final scrub of his body before stepping out of the shower and drying off. Fortunately, he always had extra underwear and socks in his duffel bag. Unfortunately, he didn’t bring an extra shirt or pants and had to resort to his damp and smelly practice clothes. He discarded the sweat-stained t-shirt but slipped on the light jacket and sweatpants. It wasn’t the ideal situation but at least his skin wasn’t covered in bothersome sweat anymore. 

He was midway through zipping up the jacket when the bathroom door opened again.

“Yeah, I’m almost done,” he said without looking up. When the intruder remained silent, Wonho looked up to find a wide-eyed Changkyun staring intently at him. Hoseok froze where he was—chest to navel exposed, water dripping from his hair. His ears were on fire when their eyes met. The maknae eventually looked at him with guilty eyes—as though he was also trying not to think about the last time they were alone in a bathroom together. 

“Sorry. I’ll let you change,” Changkyun said quickly before closing the door. Out of all the members, they sent the maknae to come get him. Of course, they did. Hoseok let out a distorted breath and shook off the heat in his cheeks. It was only Changkyun—just Changkyun. They knew each other for a while now, right? They were brothers now—friends. There was no need for him to feel flustered. Wonho quickly zipped up his jacket and grabbed the duffel bag. 

The maknae was innocently waiting for him like a puppy when he exited the bathroom. His cute, emotionless face made Wonho feel even worse about what he’d allowed him to do to him in that bathroom at that karaoke bar. It was shameful, wasn’t it? The hyung that ultimately allowed himself to be seduced by the maknae. What kind of man was he? 

It was awkward as they walked down the empty, white hallways towards the exit—side by side and standing at a far enough distance apart. Wonho wanted to say something funny. He wanted to laugh like usual. But there was little substance in his head anymore. He thought too much about too little of topics. The silence was driving him nuts. 

Don’t talk about that night, he pled in his head. Don’t talk about that night. Don’t talk about that night.

“Changkyun-ah--”

“Wonho-hyung--”

Oh my god. Was there any level of awkwardness they could not conquer? Wonho wanted to disappear for eternity—taking his feelings with him.

They both stopped walking at the same time and faced each other.

“Uh, you go first,” Changkyun said, his hand barely reaching out before he nervously brought it back to his side. Wonho wished he hadn’t noticed it.

“No, I…you go ahead…I really…” he cleared his throat, eyes on the ground, “Didn’t have anything important to say anyway…”

“Yeah, um…me neither actually…” Wonho looked up and their eyes met once again. The heat willingly returned to his cheeks.

Now that we know each other’s feelings, we should be adults about this. Let’s move past the last few days and continue to be friends. Let’s be good idols for our fans, maknae; and pursue a successful career for Monsta X together.

Say it, Hoseok. Say it. Why can’t you say it? Why are you a coward? You have your past and your personal issues, but you don’t need to drag this innocent guy down with you. He’s done nothing wrong. He’s still young and he’s still learning. He’s different than you—he’s better. He has the chance to do it right the first time. So, stop being selfish and tell him the truth—that he’s a good person and he doesn’t deserve to be like you.

Wonho found his lips stuck together, his body unmoving as poisonous thoughts began forming inside his head. He stared at Changkyun for what felt like forever. It didn’t take long for him to realize his heart was pounding rapidly like the wings of a hummingbird fluttering against his chest. The maknae was truly handsome and so adorable. His brown hair was pushed back—making him look older. His pretty yet hazardous lips were pursed together with concern. Wonho knew he was in much too deep with his feelings for Changkyun yet he still thought friendship was a better option than any other. Because if his past experiences taught him anything, it was that relationships between two men didn’t last very long.

“Hyung…” he felt Changkyun’s hand on his face and he immediately stepped back, slapping his hand in the process. The maknae’s eyes were wide at his exaggerated rejection, “Relax…” he said maturely, his eyes never leaving Wonho’s. Hoseok suddenly felt a fool underneath his serious and unreadable gaze. Had Changkyun already realized what they needed to do without him having to even say anything? He supposed he shouldn’t have doubted Changkyun’s control and ability to understand the situation they’d put themselves in. The maknae was smart and was more mature than himself. Perhaps he was only reflecting off his own inability to find the desired control between the reigns of his feelings and doing what was right.

“I…I’m sorry,” he heard himself say meekly. He did his best to collect himself before giving Changkyun a reassuring smile. But it was interrupted when a loud rumble of thunder—like a monster in the night—caused both to jolt at the same time. His heart immediately jumped up his throat. Changkyun blinked in surprise,

“I didn’t know it was raining,” he said innocently.

“Oh, jeez…” Wonho placed a hand on his pounding chest, his lips slightly quivering, “That scared me…”

“Me, too…now that I think about it, we’ve been inside all day.” Still in shock, Hoseok found himself gripping onto the sleeve of Changkyun’s navy sweater.

“Where are the others?” he asked.

“Waiting at the entrance or probably in the car by now.” 

“Let’s go meet them,” he said quickly, “Before the storm gets worse.” Changkyun nodded in agreement. Wonho slowly took back his hand, feeling embarrassed. It was just thunder yet—with the sensitive state of their relationship as it was currently standing—he felt jumpier than ever. Every word that left his lips, every movement each of them took—no matter how small, every sound that resounded in that hallway only made him realize how bad the tension between them actually was. 

They continued walking down the long hallway in hopes of preventing anymore unnecessary emotions from surfacing. Soon, another monstrous and much louder crack of thunder echoed outside, and it wasn’t until the power went off that he realized he was shaking. The lights on the ceilings made a whirring sound, then a pop before the hallway was completely dark.

“Changkyunnie--!” was the first thing he shouted out when he could no longer see. His bag fell from his shoulder and hit the ground.

“It’s ok, it’s ok,” the maknae’s low voice said calmly amongst the blackness, “I’m here.” Wonho reached out, his heart pounding louder and louder as he frantically searched for him but only felt air. 

“Where are you?” he panicked.

“Hyung, it’s alright. Just relax. Follow my voice.” He bit the inside of his cheek nervously before stepping forward, allowing his hands to guide him. He let out a sigh of relief when his fingers finally brushed against Changkyun’s. He immediately grabbed onto them.

“I didn’t think the thunder was that intense,” the maknae said as soon as they found each other. Hoseok nodded despite knowing Changkyun couldn’t see him.

“Must be really bad…”

“Should we keep going?” Wonho anxiously looked to the left and then the right. He could not see anything before him. His grip on Changkyun’s hand slightly tightened. 

“This would be easier if management hadn’t taken away our phones,” he mumbled. Changkyun laughed then and he suddenly felt guilty. Wonho subconsciously ran his thumbs across his knuckles. Holding his hand was always nice—warm and comforting. The sensation of the skin of their hands meeting made him innocently ticklish. 

The hallway was suddenly silent save for their soft breathing. Despite it already being pitch black, he closed his eyes.

“Changkyun-ah…”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry for…for last time…” he gulped, his throat suddenly dry, “I said some mean things…” He heard another laugh,

“It’s fine, hyung.”

“But, I…” his voice trailed off as words left his usually logical mind.

“What is it?” Wonho stiffened when he felt Changkyun’s breath against his cheek. His heart was pounding loudly—so much so he thought it would burst out of his chest. Did the maknae know he was standing this close? Was he doing this on purpose? Panicking, he quickly stepped back until he hit the wall. But his hand was still interlocked with Changkyun’s. And he contemplated letting go but that would mean he’d have to desperately find him again.

“Hoseok…” Changkyun’s voice growled somewhere in the dark—a wolf? Wonho braced his entire body, his hand sweating against the maknae’s. Despite not being able to see, he felt the maknae’s presence as he approached him.

“What?” his voice was barely audible. When the maknae didn’t respond, he began to panic, “Maknae,” he barked, “Say something!” He flinched when he felt Changkyun’s soft finger tips on his brow. Then he was thrown into a suggestive trance. His fingers slowly moved down from there, briefly touched his eyelid, cheekbone, the corner of his mouth. Wonho sucked in a trembling breath as they traced across his bottom lip. But they didn’t linger there for long, seductively sliding down his chin and even further until they reached his Adam’s apple. 

“Chang…kyun…” he warned him in a soft, dazed voice. The maknae’s warm breath was on his neck now. He felt his nose slightly push against his jawline. Wonho quickly untangled his hand and grabbed onto his shoulder. He was moments from telling him to stop but found his voice swept away as Changkyun began kissing his neck—slowly and seductively. A dry, unexpected moan escaped his lips. The tickly sensation made his hips shift. The maknae’s hands were on his waist, one sliding up his back, the other down his thigh. Every time Changkyun kissed his flesh, his body shuddered. Over and over, another wave of pleasure hit him; from his spine to his head to his fingertips to his toes—every part of him was tingling. He became prey to the maknae’s technique.

He was surprised at Changkyun’s aim. Their lips met on the first try. Wonho immediately gave into his familiar kiss but the maknae didn’t indulge him for long—pulling away right as he began to kiss him back. Changkyun’s nose teasingly rubbed his against his own, his lips coming forward only when they felt like it. It was clear now that he was intentionally seducing Wonho and Wonho hated to admit it, but it was working. He found himself being shamelessly yanked along by someone three years younger.

“Do you want me to touch you, hyung?” the maknae whispered. Heat spread—a fire consuming whatever was in its path—quickly up Wonho’s body; he gripped onto Changkyun’s shoulders, biting his bottom lip.

“Let’s stop here…” he begged, “I can’t take it anymore…” His body tensed up, his shoulders lifting, as Changkyun approached him—stepped close enough for their chests to meet. The maknae’s thigh invaded the space between his legs and pushed upwards—briefly nudging against it. Wonho lost his breath for a good three seconds. He felt Changkyun’s heated purr against his throat,

“You’re hard, Hoseok…” he murmured temptingly. Wonho never thought he’d hear those erotic words leave the maknae’s lips. This was his doing, wasn’t it? He was the one that’d messed up Changkyun by telling him he was also attracted to guys. If he hadn’t, perhaps they wouldn’t even be trapped in this stimulating yet heartbreaking moment.

“Changkyunnie…” he felt his eyes begin to water, “Please…don’t…don’t do this to me…”

“You reject me like that yet desire me so eagerly. Why, hyung?” Wonho tightened his sweaty hold on Changkyun’s sweater—the guilt gnawing at him bit by bit. He let out a restrained yelp when Changkyun slipped two fingers into the elastic band of his sweatpants and pulled him forward. He collapsed into the maknae’s arms like melting ice cream on a hot day. Why did it feel so good to be held by him? Why was his heat so comforting? And why…why did this guy want Hoseok out of all the other fools in the world? The Changkyun that held them now in that dark hallway was the same one that’d cried to him during No Mercy. He saw something in Wonho…something Wonho himself was blind to—and he believed in it. He always seemed to.

“Don’t…ask me why…” he ordered, burying his face into Changkyun’s chest. “You already know the answer…” His Changkyun let out a sigh,

“We weren’t always this complicated…this awkward…” He was pained by the maknae’s words but felt reassured when his arms tightened around his waist. Was this where he belonged—here, in Changkyun’s arms? Was this truly what he was supposed to do? Was he supposed to choose Changkyun? Hoseok was confused as hell—struggling with what was right for him as an idol or as a person. 

He lifted his head slowly, realizing his eyes were slightly adjusted to the dark. And now, he could see the outlines of Changkyun’s face—his straight nose, where his bottom lip left a shadow over his chin, a glint of the piercing in his right ear. Crap, he thought hopelessly, seeing him only makes me feel more powerless against his magic. He wanted to give into the swelling emotions in his chest. He wanted so badly to be seduced by the maknae. And, as the serial romantic of Monsta X, he knew he was moments from confessing his own feelings, his mouth slightly opening—giving into the emotional intensity of the air. But in the next second, the lights were back on and he hurriedly pushed Changkyun away before yelping out in pain and covering his eyes at the sudden harsh exposure. After his eyes finally relaxed, he could no longer look at Changkyun—grabbing his bag and hastily racing towards the exit like he was running from the devil itself.

 

His rejection was ultimately weightless. It happened again after a music show a few days later. One minute he was standing in front of their fans—singing and dancing—the next, he was locking lips with the maknae in the changing room. Changkyun’s hands were eagerly exploring the curves of his hips, his waist, back, chest, shoulders—polite hesitation no longer existent due to Wonho’s obvious hunger for him. One palm was gently caressing Hoseok’s neck, the other vulgarly slid down his firm chest, then his ribs, the abs he had worked so hard to define for “Hero,” and stopped at the heated place between his legs. Wonho jolted in shock—his face burning. He pulled back from Changkyun’s kiss but the maknae only came closer. His eyes never left Wonho’s as he shifted his body—hips pressing further into his hyung’s and pushing his hand deeper against Wonho’s guilt.

“Mm…” An unintentional sigh of pleasure left his mouth. He bit his bottom lip—his futile desire aching to be released. Changkyun’s eyes were melting him; they were seductive and possessive with a tint of mischief and he could’ve easily looked away or closed his eyes but Wonho found himself willingly surrendering to his gaze. He trembled, his knees giving out as the maknae’s hand ever so slightly stroked against his jeans.

“Changkyunnie,” his hand was on Changkyun’s wrist. Eyes still refusing to leave his hyung’s, the maknae gave him a suggestive smile,

“Just say you don’t want this, hyung…” he murmured, “And I’ll stop…”

“Mhmm…” Wonho let out another moan at the burning feeling of his playful touch; his cheeks were flushed with a guilty pleasure, “That…there…”

“Hmm…?” the maknae leaned into him—his breath on his sensitive neck. Hoseok held back a desperate gulp as he felt his vulgar tongue on his earlobe—just barely flicking against his earring—before he softly nibbled it. He was left stunned. Did Changkyun want him this badly? It wasn’t as though he was like him. He didn’t like men. He preferred women. Since they met, the guy was calm, humble, and mature about everything. He didn’t discuss romantic relationships in neither his past nor present. When the others talked about sex, he didn’t seem interested. Wonho always thought he was just shy about it. To think such a beast lingered within the maknae.

“Changkyun-ah,” he whispered breathlessly. He caressed the maknae’s face, his thumb tracing against his jawline. Changkyun’s eyes glistened lovingly at him. It already felt like he was invading his insides and thoroughly spreading through his veins with the intention of staying permanently. How did he allow this to happen? What had distracted him so badly that he could not prevent such a thing?

“Hyung?” Changkyun’s infatuated smile made Wonho’s heart pound even louder and faster, “What is it? Does it feel good?” Wonho licked his lips before nodding,

“Yeah…” he sighed, whimpering softly as Changkyun’s fingers dragged along the zipper of his pants, “I go crazy when you touch me.” Changkyun laughed,

“Really? I wouldn’t know it from the erotic sounds you keep making.” Hoseok instantly hit him on the shoulder. He found himself pleasurably turned on by the playful, rascal-like nature of his speech. To see this side of Changkyun—it felt like a gift he’d never anticipated. Soon his mouth was on his again—arms wrapped around his neck and pulling him closer and closer until he thought their bodies would fuse into one. The temptation of being with Changkyun was no longer a temptation but a selfish indulging. Hoseok knew it was wrong but he was weak to his charm; he gave into the feelings he had for the maknae—everything that had built up between them since the day they met—and allowed Changkyun to kiss and caress him—to share his dangerous warmth—until it was time to go home. 

He didn’t know what was going on with him. Here he was—a young man that desperately wanted to leave his past only to find himself in what felt like the same position—an adolescent fool running on emotion and falling for another fool. Now, Hoseok didn’t fall in love easily. Every time he thought he did, the other person would change their mind. Or perhaps it was his own incompetence that had hindered his past relationships. Either way, to him, romance and love had always made him feel hasty—impatient. It scattered his emotions and left him different—fragmented in a sense. That was why he stayed as far away from it as possible and avoided it when he could. He figured he didn’t need unnecessary things like that. 

 

He was called in by one of the Starship executives the next day. The manager didn’t exactly give him the details of this meeting and refused to talk to him as they walked down the long hallway towards his office. Wonho couldn’t say he wasn’t worried. Whenever they singled one of the members out, it was almost always guaranteed to be a serious matter.

“Wonho-shi,” the executive—Chung-hee Wook—stood from his wide desk and walked towards them as they entered the room, “Thank you for coming to see me despite your busy schedule.”

“It’s no problem,” he said, shaking his hand.

“Please, sit.” Wonho nodded before taking one of the chairs in front of his desk; the manager sat in the other one. Chung-hee returned to his place behind the desk and let out a sigh,

“There’s no other way to go about this so I’ll just be up front. The other day, the directors and I were discussing Monsta X and what we needed to do to help support your fame and growing popularity. ‘Rush’ was a successful release and the momentum of your careers have officially begun to take place. In short, we went through every member and found that you were the one lacking the most regarding popularity. Your skills as a composer and singer are not…impressive enough to be noticed by people. In other words, we need to focus on other aspects to sell such as your visuals and dance,” he noticed Wonho’s expression and looked over to the manager, “You should understand that this is a common practice in the kpop industry—and personally, it isn’t something I’m comfortable discussing with idols—but it needs to be done in order to gain the first steps towards letting your name—both yours and Monsta X’s—be known.” 

Hoseok’s eyes were stuck on the metal cup full of pens sitting on the corner of the desk. He remained silent for a few seconds, his head still stuck on the words, ‘you are the one lacking the most.’ Chung-hee folded his hands atop his desk attempting to remain professional even under awkward circumstances,

“We are planning to have a repackage release of the ‘Rush’ album—after your current promotions—for the ‘Hero’ track. Like the managers have been discussing with you, work on your body for the choreography.”

“O-ok,” he nodded.

“Hopefully by then your fans will receive their fan name,” he tapped his fingers against the desk, “Tell me, Wonho-shi. Do you love your fans?”

“Huh?” he licked his lips, “Of course…”

“You need to make it more obvious.”

“What do you mean?”

“Fans are intimidated by confident idols—especially with Monsta X’s strong and masculine brand. You need to show them more vulnerability and gratefulness. You should be thanking them whenever you can. After all, they’re the ones keeping you guys active.” A strange, dark fear began to creep inside Wonho’s heart at the utterance of those words. He didn’t understand. Hadn’t he already been showing enough gratitude? Hadn’t he shown more than enough vulnerability? What more did he have to do? How much more of himself did he have to display for the world to finally see him?

“I know it’s cruel but it’s also reality,” Chung-hee crossed his arms, “When Monsta X is popular enough, we can start considering your original songs for the albums.” He could only nod politely,

“I understand.” 

“I knew you would. You’re a smart man after all.” 

“Thank you for taking the time to speak with me about this,” he said, “You must also be very busy.” Wonho stood up and shook his hand.

“Of course,” Chung-hee nodded before giving him a pitiful smile, “Take care of yourself now.”

He left the office with a strong composure but once he stepped outside of the building, he found his legs shaking. He hit his thigh angrily. There was no need to be upset. This industry was hard. He knew that. He knew what he was getting himself into. He just needed to be patient. He just needed to work on the things he already had and then the things he wanted would eventually come. Yes, enjoying the present—being grateful for being given this opportunity in the first place—that was the most important thing. Hoseok truly believed that. He often seized the current moment and was grateful because someone always had it worse. So, why did his stomach feel so awful? Why did he keep thinking of the day he told his mom he wanted to be an idol—that he wanted to create meaningful music and share it with the world? He couldn’t shake off the feeling of weakness inside his heart—that lacking that pulled him down every time he fell short. Ill thoughts continued to linger inside his head; what was he still doing here if he could’ve been easily replaced by someone with a nicer body, a nicer voice? How could he improve so people would notice him for him? How could he catch up to his six brothers and be worthy enough to stand beside them on that stage?

 

He came home as the others were already getting ready for bed.

“Hey,” Shownu said as he was changing, “How was the meeting?” Wonho shrugged,

“Fine.” 

“Hope it wasn’t anything too serious.”

“No, we just talked about the upcoming schedule,” he tugged off his sweater and threw it into the laundry basket. Shownu sat down on his bed which was across from Wonho’s.

“We left you some food in the fridge,” he said. “You must be hungry.”

“Actually, I…I don’t really have an appetite.” 

“What? Did you eat after we left Music Core?”

“No. Just not hungry.”

“Hoseok…” 

“I’m gonna go get some air.” Wonho left the room before Hyunwoo could make him feel guilty. The last thing he needed was the members feeling bad for him. This was his own problem and he needed to handle it himself.

The cool September breeze greeted his naked arms when he walked outside. It annoyed him that he was letting such a thing get to him. He wanted to grow beyond this immature boy that worried about such things—that allowed others’ criticism to shake him. Alas, he still felt the struggling trainee that didn’t feel good enough.

“Shownu-hyung told me you were out here.” The sudden sound of Changkyun’s voice caused him to whip around. Changkyun was already in his baggy t-shirt and shorts—prepared to go to bed yet he slipped on his shoes and joined his hyung outside. Wonho wanted so badly to push him away and beg him to leave him alone. He didn’t want to give into the maknae’s strength. He didn’t want Changkyun to see him broken. But his presence alone made Wonho feel so happy that he selfishly desired for him to stay. Changkyun didn’t need to comfort him or carry his burdens. He just needed to be here.

Changkyun stood by his side, “I know it’s not my place to pry about these things. I’m the maknae and I should mind my own business and respect my hyung…” he said quietly, crossing his arms, “But that day I cried to you…you told me you had my back if I screwed up…because despite all the shit that happened we were a team. Even if you were spouting nonsense just to get me to stop crying…I held that in my heart for a long time and I still do. So, don’t go being upset on your own. Not just me, but all of us…we’re here for you…” Hoseok slightly jumped as Changkyun touched his back. He closed his eyes—giving into his comfort. It would’ve been easy to tell Changkyun what’d happened then—what he was feeling and how bothered he was by Executive Chung-hee’s words. But he couldn’t. He was too afraid. He knew he’d crumble if he said anything aloud—especially to Changkyun.

The maknae hugged him gently, his hand patting and rubbing his back. Wonho held back tears. He was much too prideful to cry in front of him. Their eyes connected when he looked up; he wanted to be melted more by Changkyun’s seductive gaze but the maknae was staring with so much pain that his chest only ached. Wonho desperately wanted to deny the unbearable heartache; he wanted to dispel it with pleasure. He leaned in and kissed Changkyun slowly but the maknae’s lips didn’t move against his own. His eyes were serious when he pulled back and Hoseok suddenly felt like the younger one. His eyebrows furrowed,

“What’s wrong, Changkyun-ah?” he asked. Changkyun shook his head,

“You know what’s wrong, hyung…” His lips pursed before he looked Wonho in the eye, “I don’t half-ass these kinds of things. You barely allow me to comfort you, you never tell me your problems…every time I think I’m pushing past the face you show everyone you pull away from me. This isn’t the kind of relationship I want, Hoseok.” Wonho gulped; he knew Changkyun would come to his senses eventually and confront him about his weak resistance towards their heated feelings for each other. His heart was accelerating inside his chest. Changkyun took his hand, pushing his fingers between his,

“Do you want to be with me or not?” Wonho blinked numerous times, unable to react fast enough to the maknae’s blunt words. It was true he’d been an idiot for the past couple days—giving into the pleasurable feeling of Changkyun’s lips and hands on him. But the fear of finally telling Changkyun he wanted him just as badly continued to hold him back. There were too many consequences that came with their relationship if they took it further beyond friendship. And now, after learning that he was practically expendable if he didn’t work hard enough and prove himself, he was even more afraid of losing the life he had.

Hoseok gripped tightly onto Changkyun’s hand, heart pounding,

“I do…” his voice cracked before he looked up, “I like you, too, Changkyun-ah…I like you so much…” The maknae smiled warmly,

“Even if it’s a couple days late, I’ll accept it.” 

“But…but I don’t want to be selfish. I can’t pull you down with me if something happens…” his voice faded as Changkyun leaned in and kissed him softly. Despite wanting to express how scared he was, Hoseok gave into the familiar comfort of Changkyun’s embrace—unaware of the sorrow he’d just promised for their future.


	8. Just Take The Next Step

Out of nowhere, Wonho began to call him Kkukkung. Changkyun couldn’t remember exactly when it started, only that whenever he addressed him as such, his chest fluttered with joy.

“It’s a dog’s name,” his hyung explained, “Because you’re like a puppy.” Changkyun felt his ears heat up.

“How am I a puppy?” The coy smile on Hoseok’s face made him even more suspicious.

“I can’t tell you that,” he said. Changkyun pouted before stretching himself out on the couch, his head snuggling further into Hoseok’s lap.

“I’m exhausted…” he sighed, “Can I sleep here?” His hyung laughed pleasantly,

“I’m flattered, maknae. But we do have a music show in three hours. We should probably head back to our rooms before Kihyunnie wakes up.” Changkyun wanted to protest more but he was grateful they had this brief moment together. Regardless of if it was a minute or an hour, being alone with his hyung made him happy. He sat up, rubbing the back of his neck,

“Let’s do something on our next day off.”

“Like what?”

“Like see a movie or something,” he shrugged, “And dinner after.”

“That sounds like a typical date, Changkyun-ah,” Wonho’s eyes gleamed, “Are you asking me out on a date?” Changkyun looked down and let out a nervous cough,

“Well…we’re dating now, aren’t we?” The living room fell silent; Changkyun’s neck and shoulders began to feel tense and tight. He didn’t even realize his heart was pounding loudly and rapidly as he anticipated Hoseok’s answer. 

Finally, he felt his hyung’s familiar hands around his own, his thumb sliding along Changkyun’s knuckles, “Don’t freak out, Kkukkungie…” he said warmly, “I’m not going anywhere…”

“Really?” Wonho nodded before he leaned in and briefly kissed him on the nose.

“I want to give you happy memories from now on…” Changkyun smiled—holding back his tears. You’ve already given me so many, hyung, he thought. He caressed his hyung’s face in his hand and briefly pressed their lips together. Wonho’s fulfilled sigh made him smile. A moment later, they stood from the living room couch and went to their separate bedrooms, their hands slowly slipping from the other until their warmth was finally severed. 

 

Their day off never came. Promoting “Rush” while practicing every night—as though they were still in preparation mode—became an exhausting burden. They had additional work—perhaps three times as much as during their debut workload and the managers restrained them from leaving the dorms unless absolutely necessary. Changkyun pushed down his fatigue for the sake of the members but he knew they were all physically drained as well. As for their mentalities, they were still ambitious and full of their fresh, rookie-like vigor—as much as the first time they stepped on that stage for “Trespass.” But their human forms could not keep up—constantly pulling them down like heavy weights—and Changkyun feared for the moment when they’d finally break.

“We should go through it one more time,” Shownu said after their 8th run-through of “Hero.” Changkyun couldn’t hear anything but the loud, electronic beats of the chorus—even after they’d already shut off the music. They’ve been practicing for over nine hours now and he was certain he’d go crazy if they didn’t stop soon. He sat down on the floor, sweat sliding down his damp skin. The harsh dryness in his throat caused his eyes to water; he felt as though he was going to gag out what little food was inside him. He slightly jumped when Wonho’s arm unexpectedly slinked around his sweaty waist and comfortingly patted the side of his tummy,

“Come on, Hyunwoo,” his hyung said breathlessly, “We’ve been here the entire day. If we keep practicing, we won’t have enough energy for tomorrow’s show.”

“Yeah, we haven’t even eaten yet,” Kihyun said. Changkyun’s eyes stung as sweat unapologetically fell from his lids. He leaned into Wonho’s damp chest, happiness slowly replacing the exhaustion. If his strength wasn’t faulty, he would have smiled when Hoseok pulled him closer.

“Alright…” Shownu sighed, running a hand through his sweaty hair, “We’ll leave in five minutes.” After the members dispersed, he felt Wonho gently rub his back. The simple touch of affection never mattered as much as in that moment. Changkyun closed his eyes and felt his hyung’s damp shirt against his cheek.

“Jooheon-ah, hand me my bottle,” he heard Hoseok say before he was gently nudged, “Here…drink up, Kkukkung.” Changkyun took a long chug of water—nearly choking on it—and wiped his mouth.

“Thanks,” he coughed out.

“You ok?” Wonho asked. Changkyun nodded, his forehead pressing against Hoseok’s chest. He felt like a baby when his hyung helped him stand. His legs were wobbly and useless; he nearly fell over as soon as he was on his feet.

“Hoseok only helps out the maknae,” Hyungwon observed; his eyes were serious, but his mouth was on the verge of smiling. Changkyun pretended not to notice; his hands gradually slipped from Wonho’s arms before they could give themselves away.

“He’s been calling him Kkukkung lately, too,” Minhyuk added, making Changkyun want to hide his face; he pulled the grey hood over his head. “Why are you two so close all of a sudden?” The question was rhetorical but Changkyun still felt the need to say something. He knew Wonho wanted to keep their relationship a secret—even from the other members. So, the idea of accidently letting something slip or even keeping quiet and causing them to become more suspicious made him nervous and a bit scared. Not only would he lose Hoseok, he may also lose the others. Both knew their being together was risking all their reputations and lives—not just their own. 

He felt more assured when he felt Wonho’s arm around his shoulders.

“Don’t be jealous because Changkyunnie is mine,” Hoseok said simply. The others laughed at his joke, but it made his heart flutter. He reached up and briefly rubbed the tips of his fingers against his hyung’s. Wonho playfully pinched and squeezed his middle and index making his heart pound.

“Hyung has a caring nature,” Jooheon said, “He always looks after the baby.”

“Maybe if you were more cute than handsome, I’d take care of you too, Hyungwon-ah,” Wonho said. Hyungwon laughed,

“I’d rather die than do aegyo!” he declared.

“Not even for our fans?” Minhyuk asked. 

“Nope.”

“How ‘bout shrimp?” Hyungwon contemplated for a moment as they exited the building into the calm night,

“Ok…maybe for shrimp.” They all laughed together and Changkyun wondered how he could’ve felt so much anxiety only a few moments earlier. The members always joked around and were lighthearted by nature. Worrying pointlessly about whether or not he and Hoseok would be discovered only made things awkward and uncomfortable—which were the exact kinds of circumstances Changkyun disliked being in. He’d been victim to them enough times during No Mercy.

 

Lying on his bed while the others were already sleeping, he continuously looked at the watch his hyung had given him. It was a fancy watch—lighting up when he tapped it, so he could use it when it was dark—and Changkyun couldn’t stop thinking of what he could do to pay him back. When it finally reached 4AM, he carefully got up and climbed down from the top bunk.

Just like he had for the past few nights, Wonho was waiting for him in the living room. Changkyun immediately grabbed his hands and kissed him quickly on the lips.

“I thought you’d be too tired tonight,” he confessed, his heart fluttering when Wonho looked at him with those familiar, beautiful eyes.

“Aren’t you?” his hyung asked, “You looked like you were gonna pass out after practice.” Changkyun shook his head quickly,

“I’m fine…just glad I get to be alone with you again.” It was true; whenever he was with Wonho, his energy seemed infinite. Hoseok let out a low chuckle; his hand gently brushed Changkyun’s hair behind his ear,

“That’s why you’re a puppy, Kkukkung…” he murmured. Changkyun held back a smile before caressing Wonho-hyung’s face. His hair had been retouched to a lighter brown; the caramel tint made him look softer but sexier. His skin felt smooth and pleasant, his pink lips as cute as usual. Why and how did his hyung manage to keep Changkyun’s eyes on him even when their fans were in the room? Even when there were beautiful women part of girl groups promoting their songs at the same time and were standing only a few feet from them on that stage, he only longed to look at Hoseok. 

A few years ago, he wouldn’t have believed it. He always thought he was attracted to women. But kissing Wonho made his heart stop. And now that they were together, he felt a helpless captive of his feelings for him; he began to notice small things—like the pretty shape his mouth made before he laughed or the pitch of his voice when he was being sarcastic. And before he knew it, he found himself constantly fiddling with his hyung’s hands or touching pieces of his clothes in hopes of getting his attention. The more time they spent together, the more he realized how amazing he was as a person—how cool and mature he really was. The way he would laugh loudly when Monsta X were playing together but remain calm and collected when things got serious made Changkyun more attracted to him. He always seemed to know what he was doing. He was in control of his life—knew to enjoy it fully and to work hard, too. From the view of their fans, he was a bubbly and pretty flower with flawless petals. And from the members’, he was the fun and goofy but reliable hyung. Changkyun knew all that was true. But he also knew Hoseok was still hiding a part of himself from everyone—even him. And it would take time before he’d willingly allow Changkyun to see it. 

Hoseok’s hands were always tender towards him; they were cautious at first when Changkyun came close—even a bit afraid. But the moment they both finally admitted their feelings, he got a taste of how lovingly and seductively Wonho treated his lovers. Changkyun’s waist sunk into the couch cushion at the pleasant sensation of his touch. Wonho kissed his neck continuously, his manner unhurried but playful—his hands sliding up Changkyun’s shirt, fingers lightly outlining his frenzied skin. Changkyun felt a tingling pleasure ascending his spine. His body trembled; excited but also relaxed—the state his hyung always seemed to put him in. His hand danced up Wonho’s arm until he stroked his wrist—the surface of his fingertips sliding against his thick veins.

“We really don’t have to do this tonight,” he murmured, “I’m happy just being here with you.” Changkyun jolted when he felt the palm of Wonho’s hand push against it,

“Yeah, you’re really happy down here…”

“Stop,” he held back a laugh before taking both his hands and pushing his fingers between Hoseok’s, “Work’s been a pain lately, so you must be tired…don’t push yourself for me.” He stretched his neck and kissed the first thing he could—Wonho’s chin. His hyung beamed,

“I’m fine, Kkukkung,” he nuzzled into Changkyun’s neck, “Just let me kiss you a little more…”

“Hoseok…” Changkyun embraced Wonho’s face until their eyes met; he leaned forward and briefly brushed the bridge of his nose against his hyung’s. In that moment, he so badly wanted to tell Wonho that it was alright to be weak in front of him—to admit that he really was tired from everything or that he was only human. He wanted Hoseok to know he’d always be there from now on and—though it may have been too early in their relationship to demand him of anything—he wanted his hyung to show him those other sides that he didn’t show anyone else. Yes, Changkyun desired such selfish things. But he could not say them aloud. What good would pressuring Wonho be? His hyung’s heart was his own and if he aggressively tried to seize it like he wanted to, he knew Wonho would only end up hating him. 

When their lips clashed, he forgot his inappropriate desires. Wonho’s kiss always managed to make his head spin—always made him see white. Changkyun melted underneath the weight of his body. He ran his fingers through his hyung’s hair—a bit damp from the shower he’d taken after practice. Those soft lips conquered him; those hands discovered him thoroughly. Hoseok was unapologetic—brazenly repaying him for those times the maknae had seduced him into submission. Changkyun supposed he deserved it. He’d felt guilty about constantly toying with Hoseok through the surprisingly susceptible nature of his physical body. But it wasn’t as though he could control himself either. 

 

The kitchen of Monsta X was full of noise as they all gathered for dinner the following night. Wonho’s arm was around his shoulder as they ate.

“Move the spoon! The spoon!” Kihyun shouted, holding a giant, steaming pot. Jooheon grabbed the spoon on the table and replaced it with an oven mitt. Sweat dripped from the main vocal’s forehead, “Scoot it closer towards me!” Changkyun reached over and helped Kihyunnie set down the burden. 

“Kihyun-ah, sit down and eat already,” Shownu said.

“This is the last dish,” Kihyun assured him, wiping his forehead with the back of his arm before plopping himself down next to Jooheon.

“Ah, it smells good,” Minhyuk pulled the cover of the pot and began scooping some of the soup into a bowl. Wonho took the spoon from him afterwards and did the same.

“What time is the show tomorrow?” Jooheon asked.

“We’ll leave at eight, but it starts at twelve,” Kihyun replied.

“So, it’s the same? I really thought I heard manager-hyung say there was a schedule change.” 

“Jooheon-ah, are you going crazy?” Minhyuk asked. 

“I think so.” Changkyun chewed quietly as the others continued to talk amongst the table. It amazed him how accustomed he’d become to eating with the members like they were a real family. It was only their second comeback, but he felt he’d been with them for much longer.

Wonho handed him the bowl of soup before scooping one for himself. He thanked his hyung before trying it out. It was a little bland but the fact that Kihyun spent so much time trying to perfect the flavor made it taste better.

“Hyung, give me a bowl, too,” Jooheon said. Changkyun was surprised when Hoseok passed him the spoon—implying he do it himself. The others laughed as an irritated Jooheon defeatedly took it and scooped his own bowl.

“I told you. He only favors Changkyun,” Hyungwon pointed out with a laugh. Despite the attention suddenly being called upon the two of them, they continued to eat as though nothing had happened. Changkyun struggled to remain unaffected but eventually began to feel nervous as he felt Kihyun’s eyes on him from across the table. It wasn’t too long ago that he’d ask them if they were romantically involved. If he discovered the truth, he’d definitely be upset. Not only would it seem as though they’d lied to him, but the fact that they were going through with such a risky and selfish scandal at all—regardless of being smart enough to know better—was pretty much unforgivable.

Changkyun ate the dumpling Wonho offered him from his chopsticks before sipping down more of the soup.

“I’m jealous of how close you two are,” Minhyuk said innocently, “You’re like real brothers.”

“They could even be twins with their matching hair colors,” Jooheon added.

“What kind of observation is that?” Wonho asked, his low laugh resonating pleasantly in Changkyun’s ears. He felt his hyung’s hand on his knee briefly and he almost caressed it on instinct.

“They’re not exaggerating though,” Kihyun stated, causing both of them to look up, “You’ve been pretty inseparable lately.”

“Kihyun-ah, don’t make it awkward,” Shownu said.

“I’m not, I just…I think it’s something we’ve all noticed, right?” he looked to the others, “Not just at the dorms…but at fansigns and stuff, too. Your interactions are kinda obvious.” Changkyun looked over at Wonho for the proper way to respond. His hyung’s gaze was on the steaming pot, his eyes distant. It wasn’t until he saw a bubble pop in the hot broth that he finally looked up.

“I’ve known all of you a little longer than I’ve known Changkyun,” Wonho said simply, “I’m just trying to make up for lost time.”

“Oh! That makes sense,” Minhyuk said, hitting him on the arm, “I also want to hang out with Changkyun-ah more. I think you’re the only member I haven’t gone to an arcade with.”

“Maybe when the managers allow us some free time,” Changkyun smiled.

“Ah, don’t talk about free time!” Minhyuk-hyung cried out, falling onto Hyungwon’s back, “It’ll just make me go crazy. I’ll end up like Jooheon—only more handsome.”

“Hey…” Jooheon scowled, causing Minhyuk to put him in a playful headlock. The other members laughed at their fooling around until Kihyun scolded them for nearly tipping over the pot of hot soup.

 

Their fans were finally given their name: Monbebe. Wonho became weird after that. When the seven of them weren’t out practicing, he was doing an extensive amount of ab workouts in the living room. He was pushing himself in a way that scared Changkyun—as though he was striving for a certain level of perfection he could not obtain. Just like during No Mercy, his hyung was working hard and every time Changkyun saw him, he was either covered in sweat or too tired to even open his eyes. Their meetings after dark became less and less frequent due to their individual fatigue and he couldn’t help but feel confused and a bit hurt. His hyung’s behavior came unexpectedly. No surprise there since he barely told Changkyun anything about what was going on in his head. But Changkyun found his patience wearing thinner and thinner. And he began to realize he wanted Hoseok. All of him. 

After returning from practice and taking a shower, he changed into a thin t-shirt and some sweatpants. The others immediately went off to bed since they already ate at the studio but Changkyun escaped to the living room where he found Wonho doing sit-ups. His hyung didn’t see nor hear him and jolted in shock when the maknae made his appearance. Drops of sweat slid down his flushed skin before he wiped it with the back of his hand,

“You scared me,” he complained. Changkyun sat crisscross across from him.

“This isn’t the gym you know,” he said, “What if we slip on your sweat and break our necks?” Wonho let out a small laugh,

“I make sure to wipe the floors afterwards. Besides…” he stretched out his arm, “I’d rather work out here than the fitness center.”

“Why?” His hyung looked at him and gave him a subtle smile,

“Because Kkukkung is here of course.”

“Hyung,” he laid his hand atop Wonho’s bare shoulder before looking him in the eye, “What’s all this about?”

“What do you mean?” Changkyun licked his lips, already predicting the walls Wonho was prepared to throw up.

“Working out night after night like this…you’re so exhausted from work, but you do it anyway—you kill yourself for something like your body or your abs. Why do you--?”

“I can handle it, maknae,” Hoseok replied before his lips tightened together. His eyes slightly wavered and Changkyun thought he was going to cry. Immediately, he scooted closer towards him, grabbing his face.

“Does this have something to do with our fans? With Monbebe?” he asked, “Because if you’re doing this for them, I don’t think they would--"

“It’s not…” Hoseok shook his head, refusing Changkyun’s hands in the process, “It’s not because of Monbebe I…this is something I have to do for myself.”

“And what about me?” he looked into Wonho’s glistening eyes, “I’m your boyfriend, aren’t I?” His hyung seemed to flinch at the utterance of that word, his muscles remaining tense until he decided to stand up. Changkyun picked up on this during the last few days they’d been together—but Wonho tended to avoid meeting his eyes when the subject of discussing their feelings came up. Of course, Changkyun was burdened with that habit himself—especially in the past when he didn’t know how he felt towards him. But it hurt him—Wonho’s rejection. Not being able to help his hyung when he was struggling made him feel useless.

He stood up quickly as well, laying a hand against Wonho’s humid chest before he had a chance to escape. The powerful thrashing of his hyung’s heart pulsating against the palm of his hand made Changkyun even more anxious. Hoseok’s lips trembled; he gulped before wiping the sweat from his Adams apple.

“Changkyunnie, I…I can’t say these kinds of things in front of you…” His hyung’s soft but unsteady hand caressed the maknae’s, “I’m too embarrassed…” When he looked down, his long bangs shadowed over his indignant gaze, “Too ashamed…”

“Hyung…” Changkyun stepped forward; he caressed Wonho’s chin and raised it, “I’ve never judged you and I never will…no matter what, I know my opinion of you won’t change…” He tilted his head to give himself a better view of Wonho’s demonstrative yet vulnerable expression, “The only thing I care about is your happiness…” His heart tautened numbingly when he felt Hoseok squeeze his hand,

“I am happy...”

“Then tell me the truth, hyung…” he was a bit reluctant to touch him; for probably the first time since their friendship began to form, he was afraid of overstepping. He didn’t want Hoseok to think of him as this type of rude dongsaeng that didn’t know his place. But throughout their short time, they’ve grown to be so natural around each other; that was why he could reach out to him with little hesitation. Changkyun pushed the bothersome bangs from his eyes, gently skimmed his hand along Wonho’s cheek, “What’s been going on with you lately, huh?” His hyung’s red lips pushed together. He choked out what sounded like a sob and a forced laugh before snuggling his face further into Changkyun’s palm.

“This isn’t easy for me…” he confessed.

“I know…it’s not for me either…” Changkyun chewed his bottom lip before letting out a nervous cough, “I’m a guy in my twenties—barely finding my footing in the group—much less this industry. I don’t like talking about feelings or taking things seriously…” A sigh left him, “But…”

“What?” He glanced up and realized he was staring at Wonho through a blurry filter,

“You mean a lot to me, hyung…and I want to make this work,” he fiddled with the collar of Wonho’s tank top, “I want to take you—us—seriously.” Hoseok smiled,

“You don’t have much dating experience, do you?” Changkyun blushed,

“Not…really…”

“Good…” His face grew even hotter when Wonho unexpectedly kissed him on the cheek, “Because I’m not in the mood to get jealous right now.”

“I kind of want to see that…” His hyung laughed,

“No, you don’t.” Changkyun’s heart became a little lighter at the advent of his familiar, wide smile. He really felt like he was getting closer to Wonho every moment they spent within each other’s space with no interference from the outside world. He intertwined his fingers between his hyung’s before kissing the back of his hand.

“Please…” he closed his eyes, eyebrows creased, “Please understand how much it hurts…to see you like this…but you still refuse to let me help you…” he cleared his throat, feeling the back of his neck heat up with embarrassment, “You don’t know how many times you’ve helped me, hyung…what it meant when you acknowledged my presence…or asked for my opinion when no one else would…”

“Changkyun-ah…”

“I met you and the others under shit circumstances…but it was you that stood up for me…spoke to me first…let me cry on your shoulder…just…” he tightened his finger’s around Wonho’s, “Let me do the same for you…” For a moment, he saw Hoseok’s reaction and it nearly melted his heart. But Wonho quickly shook his head, dispelling it.

“Really, maknae…” he sighed, “Why do you have to be so damn cute?” Changkyun tensed his mouth, giving him his dimples,

“Hoseok is cuter.” He was surprised when Hoseok stepped back; his hyung licked his lips—the adorable yet seductive habit he just couldn’t seem to shake—before nudging his head to the side, indicating Changkyun come with him. Curious, he followed Wonho over to the couch where his hyung sat down with a solemn look on his face. The atmosphere suddenly changed when Hoseok spoke,

“Changkyun, you know I…” his eyes narrowed, “I’m not as strong as you think I am…” Changkyun felt his chest hurt miserably at the vacant expression on his hyung’s face. He reached over and touched his wrist. Hoseok didn’t seem to notice, “I lack a lot of things…and I’m not very mature…the Wonho I show the world is…he’s someone I’m struggling to find.”

“Who says you haven’t already found him?” Wonho gave him the smallest smile,

“Thanks for believing in me, maknae…but I know how I am…I know my capabilities and my limits,” he bit his lip, “A few weeks ago, I met with one of the company’s executives…he told me they have certain expectations of me that I need to meet…so many people are looking at me now—at the entire team—I can’t half-ass anything…”

“Expectations? What does working out every night have to do with their expectations?” Wonho’s dark eyebrows creased together, he readjusted himself on the seat.

“They want me to focus on my body—my muscles and abs…and my dance…basically what will attract more fans…what will sell.”

“Attract more fans…” the words rolled off his tongue like unwanted venom, “Like on our first debut mission together…” Wonho gulped,

“Yeah…”

“Because you couldn’t sing the part…”

“I…I’m still learning…I’m not perfect as a composer or singer yet. The company knows this--”

And just like that, Changkyun became livid. He immediately stood, causing Wonho to jolt.

“Where’s the manager?” he growled.

“What?”

“Where is he?”

“He’s not sleeping here tonight, Changkyun-ah, calm down.” He started to run towards his room to get his phone, but was yanked back by his hyung who, of course, had superior physical strength.

“Let go, Hoseok,” he tugged his arm but Wonho effortlessly pulled him back down. His tense body collapsed atop his hyung’s and Wonho had to wrap his arms around him and shush him soothingly until he could shake off the rage.

“It’s…not a big deal,” Wonho murmured against the top of his head as soon as it was quiet, “If this is what I need to do—if this is my part—in order to be with you guys on that stage…I’m gonna do it.”

“You didn’t become an idol to showcase something like that…” he pressed his lips together, unaware of where the line he was supposed to be cautious of was. “Your body’s great of course but…it can change any time. Your talent as a composer…your vocal skills and commitment…who you are…that cannot be replaced…an idol isn’t just talent…it’s the whole person. And the fact that they don’t appreciate the person…pisses me off more than anything.” Changkyun was afraid when Wonho didn’t say anything. His shallow breathing made him anxious. He looked up to see his distant visage—one he saw many times during their pre-debut and “Trespass” promotions. It was clear he was hurting—more than he would let on. Changkyun reached up and caressed his red ear,

“You don’t lack anything,” he mumbled. Hoseok sighed inaudibly, his fingers slid against the maknae’s for a brief moment before they were taken back—as though the temptation of his touch was far too unbearable. His hyung spoke softly and Changkyun tried to ignore the weakness in his voice,

“When we decided on the name of our fans…I realized how much they meant to me—to us. They are like our 8th member…that’s why…that’s why I have to give them more than 100 percent.” Changkyun shook his head. He sat up and faced Wonho’s dark pupils—like a rabbit’s,

“You put too much pressure on yourself…” 

“Hm…” Wonho smiled somberly, “I know.” Unable to hold back anymore, Changkyun caressed the back of his hot and sweaty neck—palm pressing into his fresh skin—and pulled him to him. He sighed with pleasure at the touch of Wonho’s damp forehead pressing against his own. The scent of his hyung in its rawest and realest form made him grateful. Like this, it felt his hyung was willing to be himself in front of Changkyun—flaws and all. Hoseok sniffed, tears forming at the corners of his eyes,

“But this is the only way I can sleep at night, maknae…if I know I’ve worked hard…if I’m exhausted enough to pass out the second I lay down…I’m sorry, I…this is just the way I am. I’m sorry…” he shook his head rapidly, “I don’t want to cause you any pain or trouble worrying about me…it’s been a long time since I’ve dated anyone so…I may’ve forgotten how to think of other people…” The way his voice cracked made Changkyun tighten his eyes close. Everywhere inside him was hurting so badly from Hoseok’s painful words. So, this was what went on in his head. So, these were the sorts of heavy thoughts and insecurities he carried on his shoulders. He was grateful his hyung was finally opening up—finally telling him of his fears. But that didn’t mean it did not break his heart.

“It’s ok…” he murmured, outlining Wonho’s lips with his fingers, “Don’t apologize for how you feel…you just don’t know how to stop working…and how to stop giving. It’s why I admired you so much in the first place.” Wonho’s long eyelashes were more apparent than ever when he looked down. A small, thankful smile was on his mouth,

“I just want to keep on smiling…” he said quietly, “I just want to keep laughing with you, Kkukkung…and to forget everything else that makes me feel so weak…” Changkyun leaned in until he felt those familiar lips on his. He sighed at the sweet taste; Wonho’s warmth spread from his tongue, into his veins, and generously repaired his broken heart.

“Alright...” he smiled, hands holding Wonho’s face, “But I’ll still be here if you ever want to talk about it again…ok?” Hoseok still looked a bit uncertain but nodded cutely,

“Ok…”

“And…I know it means a lot to you but…can you keep the exercising to a minimum?” Wonho laughed,

“Only if you kiss me again.”

“Deal…” His heart pounded as Hoseok flirtatiously enveloped his muscular arms around his neck, pulling the maknae on top.

 

A kind yet cool breeze traveled up his thin sweater. Changkyun pushed his hands into his pockets before moving closer to Wonho and continuing down the sidewalk with him. It was a rare occasion—being alone with Hoseok outside the dorms. They were the only two members returning from the studio after their recordings for the next album and both decided to savor the moment. He heard a siren wailing in the distance, some cars purring past. Occasionally, he’d look over at his hyung who had his serious eyes focused on the road. Changkyun would often catch Wonho in these moments—just lost in thought and his own world. Their durations were brief; a second or two. Then his hyung would be smiling and laughing again. 

He intentionally nudged his arm against Wonho’s,

“What’s going through your mind?”

“Hmm?” Hoseok looked over at him, eyebrows raised before facing forward once more, “Nothing really…”

“You feeling ok?”

“I guess.”

“How’s your throat? They made you sing your part a few times…” Wonho laughed sweetly as though recalling,

“It’s alright.” As they continued to walk down the sidewalk underneath the candid moon, Changkyun fought the impulse to grab onto his hand—which was casually swinging by Wonho’s side. He wanted to entangle their fingers and show the world that Wonho was his. But every time he began to reach out, another car drove past.

“Kihyunnie’s been pretty suspicious of us lately,” his hyung suddenly said, his voice low, “All the members are.” Changkyun’s ears perked up, his attention suddenly shifted.

“Should we tell them?”

“Tell them what?”

“About us.” Hoseok briefly looked over before shaking his head,

“It’s too risky…Monsta X is just starting out. We can’t afford a scandal like that.” 

“You don’t trust the members?”

“I do…” he licked his lips, “But who am I to put that sort of pressure on them? Sharing this kind of thing and expecting them to keep it a secret—I don’t want to ask that of anyone…that’s why…that’s why I was so reluctant to be with you in the first place, Changkyun-ah.” Changkyun’s mouth tightened with comprehension. It made sense. Of course, Wonho would think he was dragging the maknae down with him. Of course, he’d consider the other party first. That’s just the kind of person his selfless hyung was.

“Ok…” he nodded in agreement, “We won’t tell them.”

“Look, if you want to…” Wonho stopped walking, placing his hand quickly on Changkyun’s shoulder. Changkyun was caught off guard when their eyes met. He already felt like melting underneath his hyung’s gaze. His cheeks felt blistering for some reason, his speech full of stutters when he tried to open his suddenly-out-of-control mouth.

“No, I…I get it…” he crossed his arms after managing to speak properly, “Of course, I’m not used to um…this kind of thing so…so I trust your judgement.” His hyung smiled lovingly, making Changkyun’s chest almost instantly warm up.

“I’m not used to this either,” he admitted unexpectedly. The maknae suddenly felt pained from the openness in Hoseok’s eyes. He finally found the courage to grab his hand—pleased that his hyung didn’t pull away.

“You know, hyung…I’ve never asked about how it was for you…about your story…” he coughed nervously, “What was it like? When you found out you were also attracted to guys?” Wonho’s eyes slightly widened at the boldness of his question. From how his chest lifted with that initial, panicked breath of air, Changkyun thought he’d shy away and guard himself like he usually did but his hyung clasped his hand kindly and beheld him as though he was willing to open a door—even if it was only halfway.

“I think I was raised to love everyone…” Hoseok said, his voice quiet. “But it wasn’t until I went to high school that I fell in love for the first time…” Changkyun felt multiple waves of anxiety fill up his chest. Even when he wanted to be supportive, envy was a stronger emotion.

“Who was he?” Wonho’s eyes smiled mischievously, his fingers playfully tracing over Changkyun’s.

“Are you jealous, maknae?”

“I’m jealous of every one that comes into contact with you.”

“Including yourself?” Changkyun gulped at the unintended seduction in Hoseok’s gaze,

“Yes.” His hyung laughed as they continued to walk together. This time, Wonho’s arm around his shoulders. Changkyun suddenly felt a bit more complete than earlier when they were left bare.

“He played the piano,” Hoseok said as the romance of the dark blue sky enveloped them, “I was a bad kid and hung out with the wrong crowd…and he was at the top of his class.”

“Sounds like a drama.”

“That’s what it felt like to me. Guess that was when the romantic internet-novel-Wonho began to form.” Changkyun laughed at Wonho’s light-hearted aura but was surprised to look over and see the detachment on his face. 

“I looked at him from afar…” Wonho sighed, “Thought he was so perfect…”

“What happened?” He jumped when his hyung pulled him closer, tightening the grip on his shoulder. Wonho’s voice could barely remain stable when he finally responded.

“Found out he was messing around with one of my friends. She was reckless like me…and needed him to do her schoolwork or she wouldn’t get into the proper college; and he was…well…” Wonho swallowed, “One of those guys.” Changkyun furrowed his eyebrows. He wanted to say something but couldn’t find any words—Korean nor English—none.

“I actually don’t…have much experience myself,” his hyung said, “When I found out I was different I just kind of…closed myself off from everyone. I continued living but…I became disconnected—distant from any human interaction. I knew it’d be tough for my future—being like this. Music was the only way I managed to make it through those dumb years…” he laughed tensely, “Pretty pathetic for your ‘reliable’ hyung, huh?” Changkyun felt something stuck in his throat. He barely recognized the broken and vulnerable guy that stood before him. He never saw this kind of Wonho. For some reason, it made Changkyun love him more.

“Thanks for telling me…” he said. Hoseok smiled at him—only with his eyes,

“Thanks for asking.”

 

The dorms were quiet when they finally returned—after taking a timely detour of course. Changkyun closed the front door behind him. He wished he didn’t desire to stay with Hoseok longer. He wished he was more mature about these things—and less selfish. That way, it wouldn’t hurt as much if he ever lost him.

He grabbed Hoseok’s wrist. When his hyung turned towards him, he saw his face was vague underneath the dark shadows but still as beautiful as ever and even slightly more seductive. Without thinking, he pulled Wonho to him.

He invaded his hyung’s space until Wonho’s back was pressed against the wall. He felt the heat of Hoseok’s body, his trembling breath against his mouth, his nervous hand on his chest. The sensation of being this close to his hyung always felt like he was sinking deeper and deeper into a pool of cool water. Everything felt timeless and weightless here and he never wanted to leave.

“Hyung…” he traced Wonho’s jawline with his knuckles and finger tips.

“Hmm…?”

“Can I kiss you?” Hoseok bit his bottom lip before nodding,

“Mmhmm…” This kiss felt different from the others. It felt more intense…more passionate. His cheeks became flushed rather quickly. From how his hyung gripped onto his back muscles, he knew Hoseok was feeling the same; he was becoming desperate and famished against the maknae. Changkyun felt his way down Wonho’s chest and waist, his fingers fumbled with the bottom seam of his top. He buried himself further into his hyung’s kiss before slowly reaching up his shirt and pressing his hand against Wonho’s abs. His hyung had worked hard on perfecting this chiseled stomach. He could feel the effort and time he spent—the blood and sweat he put in—in the shape of his firm muscles. It was pleasurable to hear Hoseok moan when he moved his hand further up his torso. They hadn’t gone too far regarding their intimacy. It always ended with kisses and caresses. Nothing beyond that. He felt and heard his heart beating as his fingers brushed against Wonho’s sensitive nipple. He gently caressed his breast and Hoseok let out a small, high-pitched reaction before departing his lips from Changkyun’s. His voice was husky and breathless.

“You know what you’re doing, Changkyun-ah?” Changkyun gulped nervously; now it was lust that was violently holding him hostage. He kissed Wonho’s soft neck and sighed,

“Not really…” another kiss against his protruding veins, “But I think…I want to hold you…”

“Really?”

“Yeah…” Changkyun pulled back, held his beautiful face. He traced Wonho’s bottom lip with his thumb before kissing him once more. An unsteady breath exposed his fear before he spoke, “I’m actually terrified but…if it’s possible…I’d like to.” His hyung’s eyes were lustrous; his soft, flushed lips constricted. Changkyun tilted his head,

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“It’s just…” Wonho held in a breath before looking down, “I never considered the possibility of you thinking any further beyond…kissing…I know being with a guy is new for you so…I’d understand if you wanna bail when it comes to that stuff.” Changkyun smiled at his hyung’s suddenly shy demeanor. He quickly kissed the top of Wonho’s ear, causing him to flinch.

“It’s not about having sex with a guy…” he murmured before taking his hands, “It’s about having sex with Hoseok.” Wonho was quiet for a moment and Changkyun could’ve sworn he saw him breathe in a few shaky and rapid breaths before defeatedly burying his face into the maknae’s chest.

“I don’t want to pressure you or anything, Changkyunnie…”

“Where’s the pressure?” He pushed his forehead against Wonho’s, “I’m five seconds away from taking you right here.” Hoseok’s eyes widened.

“We’re still at the front door...” Changkyun tensed up when his hyung eagerly grabbed his shirt. Wonho’s eyes were serious in the dark—a different sort, “You’re making me reckless again, maknae.” The way Hoseok looked at him then made him more aroused than ever in his entire life—a heated ache between his legs. He impatiently pushed Wonho against the wall, prepared to fully indulge himself but that was when the light flickered on and when he turned to see who’d done such a thing, he found Kihyunnie-hyung standing in front of the light switch with his eyes opened so wide Changkyun thought they’d pop out.

 

The three of them sat at the dinner table, blanketed underneath complete silence. Changkyun’s eyes went from Kihyun then back to Wonho then back to Kihyun again. He wanted to say something but suddenly felt his young age against his hyungs. His mouth barely opened before immediately closing again as Kihyun sat forward in the seat, his arms against the table’s surface.

“When I asked if you guys were involved…” he began.

“We weren’t.” Wonho interrupted loudly. He cleared his throat at the realization of his volume, “We weren’t together…not then.” Kihyun looked over at Changkyun,

“Is that true?” He nodded shyly. Kihyun seemed convinced.

“How long have you been…doing this for?”

“Just a few weeks…” Changkyun felt his throat close up and he could barely finish his sentence. Kihyunnie’s attention returned to Wonho,

“Why would you do this? Do you know how risky this is for all of us?” When Hoseok’s expression didn’t change—eyes distant and mouth silent—the main vocal turned towards Changkyun and briefly touched his shaking hand. 

“Changkyun-ah…” he smiled in an attempt to assure him, but it quickly went away, “I need to talk to Hoseok-hyung.” Changkyun’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion,

“He’s right here.”

“He wants to talk to me alone,” Wonho explained unresponsively. Changkyun was heartbroken by the piteous smile his hyung gave him. Hoseok seemed to notice the uncertainty in the maknae’s expression.

“It’s alright,” he said, “You should go to bed anyway. It’ll be fine.” Without thinking, Changkyun grabbed Wonho’s hand, squeezing his fingers.

“Hyung…” He recoiled timidly when Hoseok leaned in and kissed him briefly on the cheek,

“It’s just Kihyunnie,” he murmured against his ear, “I’ll live.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” After finding the reassurance in Wonho’s gaze, Changkyun reluctantly stood from his seat. He touched the back of Hoseok’s neck briefly before heading towards the hallway. Only a few steps away from the kitchen, he stopped walking and pressed his back against the wall to hide himself from plain sight.

“You’re smarter than this,” he heard Kihyun say angrily—harsher now that the maknae was gone. “Jesus, Hoseok, he’s just a kid—our maknae! Why didn’t you fucking control yourself better? I know your dating preferences are your own but this—this is just stupid and selfish and reckless as hell.”

“You really think I didn’t try fighting it?” his hyung barked back, frustrated, “You think I don’t know that I’m making a mistake? Every second I spend with him I--” 

Wonho’s voice stopped altogether. He let out a broken breath and Changkyun felt his chest aching, pounding with that specialized pain he only felt when he looked into his hyung’s sad eyes—eyes that carried the soul of the most complicated man he’d ever met.

“I know…telling him was a challenge for you,” Kihyun said quietly after the piercing discomfort of silence stretched by. “I know how much he means to you, ok? You look at him differently from anyone else.”

“But…?”

“But…he’s part of your professional life—not your personal one. And with the way you two have been acting lately, I doubt you can keep them separate.” Changkyun heard him sigh, “You were the only one at risk for your earlier scandals, Hoseok. But this is different…don’t take him down with you.” 

“I…I know that…” Changkyun clutched his chest at the utterance of his hyung’s defeated words.

“Hyung, I’m sorry but…I have no other choice but to tell management…”

“What?”

“They’re the only ones that will be able to protect you guys,” It was clear from Kihyun’s voice he did not say what he did to start an argument. “If something leaks…if rumors start flying around…we need the company behind our backs—all seven of us. So, for once, don’t try to carry something like this on your own.”

“It’s…I…he deserves to know…” Wonho’s voice was wobbly, “Let me tell him first…” Another sigh from the main vocal.

“Alright, fine…” Kihyun said, “I’ll tell Manager-hyung tomorrow night—give you two some time to talk. But really, hyung…” he clicked his tongue, “When you told me you liked men, I never expected something like this to happen. I always feared it…but I really couldn’t imagine you with any of us. Then again, that was before they dragged him onto No Mercy.” 

“Right…”

“I thought you gave up on love.”

“Me, too.” Changkyun wanted to smile from hearing those two words from Wonho—despite the uneasiness in his stomach. If Kihyunnie were to tell management the truth about them, that meant their relationship would no longer be exclusive to only him and his beloved hyung. It felt mere moments ago that Changkyun wanted the world to know of his love for him but now he’d be lying if he didn’t admit he was afraid. Being involved with Hoseok suddenly felt real as opposed to the pleasant yet naive fantasy he’d been wrapped up in as of late. The fact that a third party was now aware of their scandal made him realize just how dangerous it was for them to be together. And especially how it affected Wonho. He didn’t know that Hoseok was in so much pain. He didn’t know he burdened him that much—constantly making him question whether or not to give into him and their forbidden relationship. It was no wonder Hoseok kept himself at such a distance. He didn’t want to fully let Changkyun in because what would be the ultimate point of doing so if their entire relationship was futile to begin with?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that this chapter took over a month and this was the result. I will try to write better for the next chapters. :'(


	9. I'm Only Looking At You

Wonho remained looking at the carpet even after the manager left the room. He didn’t know why the stain from a one-month-old cola spill annoyed him so much. Changkyun’s leg was shaking. He looked tiny—like a baby. The crease between his eyebrows gave Hoseok only more anxiety.

Wonho stood from his chair and pretended to stretch out his legs,

“Well, I’m gonna go to bed,” he said.

“Oh…really?”

“Yeah…” he politely patted Changkyun on the shoulder, “Let’s get some rest before the Meet and Greet tomorrow.” Changkyun looked at him desperately—searching for answers, unaware that his hyung had none. 

They went their separate ways—mumbling awkward “good nights” to each other before retreating to their rooms. The manager’s warning did not carry contempt. He didn’t judge them nor order them to break up. “It’s best if you weren’t together” were the words he used. Wonho didn’t know why it affected him much more than the simple demand of “break up.” Perhaps because it implied that they still had a choice in the matter; and the idea of having the power to dictate the future of their relationship gave him so much pressure and guilt that it felt like a physical weight on his shoulders.

 

He felt off at the “Rush” Meet and Greet. He couldn’t laugh when the others did, couldn’t concentrate on what Minhyuk and Jooheon were talking about. His mind was occupied—busy thinking of things he could not control—things that seemed to hold him back for as long as he could remember…two men could not be together, two idols could not be together, two members of Monsta X could not be together. The facts seemed set in stone. When they called on him to speak, he said things quickly and with little thought—just so the attention would go elsewhere. Monbebe were looking at them but he felt invisible. He was not there—in the moment he needed to be in—for the members and for their fans and he felt inadequate once more. Unable to act and unable to pretend like everything was fine, Hoseok was stuck wondering why he was sitting there in the first place.

Monbebe were distracted with a blindfolded and shouting Hyungwon that was prepared to guess what was behind the curtain. That was when he felt Changkyun’s hand patting his shoulder and Wonho was completely caught off guard by his familiar comfort. The maknae leaned towards his ear,

“Just be yourself,” he whispered, “Forget the bullshit for a few minutes and laugh with us.” Wonho fought back a smile; it felt nice to have Changkyun’s warm breath tickling against his neck. His cool yet hot words made his insides melt. He did his best to swallow down the distress and the apprehension that accompanied him since Kihyun shared their secret with management. This was no time nor place to be stressing over these inappropriate matters. He was an idol right now. He was Wonho—not Hoseok. Not to mention, it was he himself that informed Changkyun he wanted to be strong and to laugh through the sorrow and the anxieties that continuously tied him down. He didn’t enjoy being in that place of weakness. He wanted to be more like the maknae. He wanted to be mature for him and to be his reliable hyung—the hyung he used to be before Changkyun discovered the truth.

 

The maknae met him in his room after the Meet and Greet while the others were preparing to watch a movie in the living room. Hoseok wanted to say something first but his words seemed weightless compared to the intense hug Changkyun gave him. He was initially overwhelmed but after taking in his familiar scent and shape of his small frame, he pulled Changkyun closer.

“Please tell me we’re not breaking up,” the maknae whimpered, his face buried into Wonho’s shoulder. Hoseok already felt the unpleasant sting in his eyes. He was touched that Changkyun had said it aloud. He knew how difficult it was for him to be open about his feelings—especially when it came to making requests from his hyung.

“That depends on if you still want to be with me,” he said. He felt Changkyun nod repeatedly, his fingers gripped tighter onto Wonho’s shirt and pulled him closer.

“So…we’re ok?” Hoseok laughed,

“I guess so.”

“Hyung was weird last night…at the Meet and Greet, too.” Wonho suddenly felt guilty once more for making Changkyun worry. The maknae was very observant and tended to pick up on his internal conflicts more so than the others. If he wanted to keep his problems to himself, he needed to make more of an effort to hide it. 

“I was just thinking of…stupid things,” he smiled to assure him, “But I’m fine now.”

“Really?”

“Mmhmm,” he nodded before kissing the top of Changkyun’s head. The maknae didn’t look convinced but—out of respect for his hyung—proceeded to change the subject anyway.

“Since the manager knows now, should we tell the members?”

“You saw Kihyunnie’s reaction,” Hoseok held back a laugh, “Do you really wanna put them through the same thing?”

“He was only shocked because my hand was up your shirt,” Changkyun mumbled.

“True…” 

“Hyung, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind…” he cleared his throat nervously, “It’s the truth after all.” Wonho appreciated Changkyun’s honesty and the fact that he was willing to stay with him despite his constant habit of keeping him at arm’s length. But the last thing he wanted was to disappoint the other members with his reckless decision. Kihyun had said all the things he’d been struggling with since the night he kissed Changkyun—that he was being selfish and immature, that he was pulling the maknae down with him. He didn’t need the other four saying the same things. 

“Let’s just do our best to keep it between us from now on, Kkukkung,” he squeezed Changkyun’s cheek, “Even though management and Kihyun-ah know. We can still be professional about the whole thing.” The maknae nodded in understanding,

“Alright.” Wonho looked at him, guilt spreading through his veins the longer he stared at Changkyun’s loving and innocent expression.

“How do you feel about the whole thing, maknae?” he asked.

“What do you mean?”

“We’re not…being selfish, are we?” Changkyun’s dimples appeared for only a brief moment before Wonho felt his hand against his neck,

“Even if it’s a risk, I want to be with you,” he said softly, “So yeah…I guess it is. But since it’s hyung…I’m willing to be a little selfish.”

“Changkyunnie…” His breath was stuck in his throat when the maknae stepped forward. Changkyun slipped his fingers inside the front pocket of Wonho’s jeans.

“We’re still rookies so…let’s be more reckless and immature, hyung…” Wonho’s heart was pounding rapidly against his chest. He permitted the maknae to tug him closer until their lips collided. He enveloped his arms around Changkyun and kissed him keenly despite his heart being in two places.

 

Changkyun’s hand was on his thigh during the fan sign. Wonho tried to give his full attention to each Monbebe that sat in front of him, but it was difficult to concentrate with the maknae continuously pinching and poking his sensitive skin. He found himself slapping his hand away when he could but Changkyun always discovered a new way to bother him. Hoseok eventually grabbed him, squeezing his fingers. Monbebe jumped in shock but she soon became faded in the background when their eyes met.

“Stop it already, Kkukkung.” he tried to say in his best “hyung” voice—the smile already growing on his lips. Changkyun saw through his poor façade. His eyes were flirtatious, throwing Hoseok off.

“Aww, that nickname really suits him, Hoseok-oppa,” Monbebe said cutely. Wonho felt his cheeks flush at the realization that they weren’t alone. He quickly released Changkyun from his grasp.

“You can call him that, too, if you want,” he said as he turned back towards her, “He’s the dog of Monsta X and Monbebe.” In the corner of his eye, he saw Changkyun smiling and shaking his head.

“Aw, that’s cute,” Monbebe smiled, her cheeks pink, “What animal are you, oppa?”

“Mm…a tiger?” he scratched his jaw. “Because the character ‘ho’ means tiger?”

“And your stage presence is cool and a bit scary?” Wonho laughed,

“You think I’m scary?” She hid her face behind the album,

“No, no I didn’t mean that in a bad way or anything--”

“He’s not a tiger, he’s a rabbit,” Changkyun’s arm was suddenly around his shoulders when he interrupted her. His fingers touched Wonho’s ear causing him to flinch, “Because he has big ears and he’s sensitive.”

“No, I’m not--” Wonho’s entire body jolted when Changkyun bit the top of his ear.

“And the dog eats the rabbit.”

“That hurt!” he whined, rubbing his ear and hitting the maknae on the chest. He wanted to be angry but Changkyun’s laughter regrettably made him laugh as well. When he looked over at Monbebe, she was blushing even harder than before.

“Ah, you idiot,” he said, hitting Changkyun again, “You made Monbebe uncomfortable. Apologize.” Changkyun, still holding back his smile, bowed towards her,

“I’m sorry.” She seemed at a loss for words but Wonho knew she wanted to say that an apology wasn’t necessary as she shook her head and hid further behind the “Rush” album. Hoseok smiled at her cuteness and offered his hands forward,

“Sorry, I didn’t even sign it yet.”

“Ah…right…” she nodded before handing it to him.  
“Don’t mind our maknae,” Wonho let out an exaggerated sigh as he flipped through the album, “I’m gonna have to put a leash on him one of these days.” He was a bit relieved when he saw the smile on her face, but she continued to hide behind her hands—still embarrassed from their flirting.

“You really think you’re a tiger?” Changkyun said.

“Would you shut up, already?” he scribbled his signature across his picture, “Monbebe agrees, right?” She looked at Wonho innocently before looking over at Changkyun.

“But oppa is kinda cute like a rabbit…” Changkyun burst out laughing, his body collapsing against his hyung’s while Wonho wore a face of defeat.

“You said I was a tiger though,” he pouted towards Monbebe.

“Oppa can be both…” she attempted to say between her quiet laughs.

“Hah…” he shook his head at her betrayal before closing up the album and handing it back to her. This time, she had the courage to meet his eyes as she took it back—despite her cheeks still being bright red. It was nice to finally see her face—no longer hidden behind the album or her hands. Did Changkyun have something to do with that? He took her hand gently,

“Thanks for supporting us,” he smiled before she moved on to the next member. When he unknowingly looked down the table, he saw Kihyun staring at him with strict eyes and he felt his confidence suddenly plummet.

“You ok?” Changkyun asked.

“Yeah…” he nodded quickly, “Was she the last fan?”

“I think so.” Wonho began to gather the markers and pens on the table and the maknae helped him pick up the water bottles. They carried them backstage to the trash and recycling bins.

“‘Rush’ promotions are ending soon,” the maknae said to him, “Monbebe were pretty upset about seeing us go.”

“We’ll be back with ‘Hero,’” Wonho said. He patted Changkyun on the back, “You’ve worked hard.” Changkyun only continued looking at him with those mysterious, unreadable eyes.

“What?” Wonho asked as one of the staff came by and took the cat ears from Monbebe off his head.

“You said that to me after our stage…” Changkyun said quietly, “On No Mercy…”

“Oh…”

“Already feels like a lot of time has passed since then…” Wonho scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion,

“What’s wrong, Changkyunnie?” The maknae’s eyes glistened; he smiled quickly before shaking his head,

“Nothing,” he said, “Nothing’s wrong let’s just…let’s go back to our Monbebe and the members…”

“Hey…” his hand fell on Changkyun’s arm before he could go. He looked into the maknae’s eyes with concern, “We’re gonna be ok…”

“The team or us?”

“Both…”

“Hyung…” the maknae looked around them briefly before glancing back at Wonho, “This was supposed to be it, right? After our debut…we were…we were supposed to win—to make a difference. We were supposed to take over kpop.” Hoseok couldn’t believe Changkyun had said it. All seven of them agreed to be mature about the whole matter of whether or not they’d get a win on a music show. They were still in their debut year and weren’t expecting anything but they all secretly wished that it’d happen. After all, they’d worked so damn hard. They’d lost so much sleep. Gave so much of their energy, time, and effort. And Monbebe…Monbebe were looking onto them to succeed. What was all that for if they had nothing to show for it? For what worth was all that trouble? He didn’t know what to say to him; he wasn’t the hyung that Changkyun needed. He was scared, too—and confused. He also desperately wanted to move forward already. 

Hoseok patted Changkyun’s shoulder, “We still have a few more shows left…even if we don’t win anything…let’s just do our best, ok?”

“Is that how you really feel, hyung? Or are you saying that just to comfort me?” He shifted the weight of his stance nervously.

“It’d be pointless to tell you how I feel, maknae…”

“Why?”

“Because there’s nothing you can do to change or fix it anyway.”

“Right…” Changkyun’s mouth tightened, “I’m just the dog you have to take care of, right?”

“You know that’s not--”

“I’m not a kid, Hoseok…” he was surprised when Changkyun caressed his face—even in a place where the managers or staff could see, “I can be a hyung for you, too…if you’d just let me.” Wonho looked down but the maknae continued to hold his cheek. He knew how badly Changkyun wanted their relationship to progress beyond that of just two guys that liked and respected each other. And he wanted that as well. But going further—taking that step towards a much deeper commitment—was a dark road he had no control over. As someone who grew up afraid of exposing his heart in fear of having it broken, he knew better than to jump in head first.

“Wonho-hyung and I.M,” Hyungwon called them from the stage; his voice echoed through the microphone, “If you can hear this, come back here!” Wonho took Changkyun’s hand from his face. His fingers lingered on his wrist for only a moment longer before returning to their fans.

 

He didn’t expect to cry; not in front of Monbebe, not in front of the members, certainly not in front of Changkyun. After the vlive ended, he was still sniffling back tears. His face felt raw and wet. Changkyun was sitting next to him, occasionally rubbing his back. It’d been a long and exhausting experience from the moment they debuted—perhaps even beyond that—until now. Returning to the old practice room and being reminded of what happened here made him emotional. He remembered the trainees that worked just as hard, the days his mom would call and ask how he was doing and how he had to lie and say he still wanted this sort of life; he remembered practicing so much he ended up slipping on his own sweat and nearly cracking open his skull against the mirror. Shownu had grabbed him before it could happen. He remembered learning the choreography for “Young” with Changkyun. Going through it step-by-step to make sure he didn’t miss a beat. Reading the fans’ words triggered the overwhelming upsurge of emotion. He was reminded of their struggles and of the fact that they had ultimately failed. They couldn’t win anything with “Rush”—couldn’t prove themselves. He couldn’t prove to himself that he had changed—that he’d grown or matured or improved. He failed Monbebe and he failed the members.

By the time they got home, he was feeling better. They all ate quietly together and went off to bed almost immediately. Wonho felt bad that he’d been the one to cause such an atmosphere. He tried to help Kihyun clean up the dishes, but the main vocal rejected his assistance and insisted he get some rest. Wonho glumly walked to his room; he was surprised to see Changkyun standing outside the door. Once more he looked like a puppy waiting for his master to return. Hoseok thought he was adorable but his chest felt tight. He was out of words at this point—too embarrassed for exposing himself to the world—especially after stubbornly refusing to do so in front of Changkyun. It seemed he only cared about keeping his mature and composed image when it came to the maknae and that wasn’t fair.

“Sorry…” he said when their eyes met. Changkyun looked at him, confused.

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Well…I…I just…” for the second time that night, his eyes began to water. He immediately looked down, squeezing them shut in hopes of holding back unnecessary things.

“Hyung…” Changkyun’s hands were on his biceps. Before he knew it, he was being embraced by him. After his body went from stiff to relaxed, he willingly laid his forehead on Changkyun’s shoulder. He took in a deep breath of him, gripping onto the thick fabric of his sweater. The maknae’s comfort was something he didn’t know he needed until this moment. Changkyun’s fingers gently stroked his hair.

“Don’t apologize. I was going to cry, too…” he said softly, “But I wanted to be strong for you…”

“Maknae…” Wonho whimpered, his voice muffled. He felt the tears slide down his cheeks, his breathing becoming rapid, “That’s not why I’m…it’s…”

“Shh…it’s ok…” 

“Changkyun-ah, I…” he wiped his cheeks and attempted to recuperate himself even though he was moments from falling apart. “I’m sorry…I’m always so…so scared to cry in front of you…I always push you away when I’m weak but…when I was in that room again…and Monbebe were…” he shook his head, “You must hate me…”

“You really think I’d be mad because of that?” Hoseok flinched as Changkyun held his face. He stared at his handsome features through thick tears. The maknae wiped his cheekbone with his thumb, “I was just worried about you…” he looked in pain when he looked at Wonho, “My hyung…baby…you were crying so much…it hurt my heart to see you like that…” Wonho caressed his hand. He kissed his soft palm and held it closer to his face.

“I’m sorry…it came suddenly…just hit me out of nowhere…all I thought about were Monbebe’s disappointed faces in the crowd…the endless nights we spent in the practice room…practically breaking ourselves…”

“Yeah…” Changkyun nodded, “I know…it was pretty overwhelming for all of us…”

“I didn’t mean to make it about me…” he choked out a laugh before connecting their eyes, “You can cry in front of me too, Changkyunnie…” The maknae’s shy and awkward smile made his heart hurt. He placed his hand on Changkyun’s neck before pulling him in for another hug. Surprisingly, the maknae sobbed into his chest almost immediately. This time, as opposed to the first when Changkyun cried on his shoulder, it hurt much more—so much that he felt his heart breaking; because now—no matter how much he fought against it—he was in love with him. It was a beautiful yet painful realization.

 

Wonho leaned over the bed until his mouth was only inches from Changkyun’s ear.

“Kkukkung,” he whispered, “Kkukkungie…” He saw Jooheon—who was in the lower bunk across the room—shift in his sleep. Hoseok remained frozen for a few seconds before trying again.

“Changkyun-ah…” he purred once more. His fingers tickled the maknae’s smooth jawline. Changkyunnie’s head turned to the side. A low groan left his lips before one of his eyes pried open.

“Wonho-hyung…?”

“Shh…” Wonho pressed his finger against Changkyun’s mouth, “Come with me.”

“What?”

“Come on…” he climbed down from the top bunk and waited at the door while Changkyun stumbled down the ladder. 

“What is it?” the maknae asked as Wonho closed the door behind them.

“You up for going out right now?”

“Huh?” He pulled out the keys he stole from the manager’s jacket pocket, causing Changkyun’s eyes to widen. 

“Are you serious?”

“Everyone’s asleep,” Wonho grinned, “We’ll be back before they wake up.” Changkyun seemed to realize what he was offering. He licked his lips nervously,

“Where are we going?” Wonho shrugged,

“It’s a surprise.”

 

They hadn’t left the dorms since “Rush” promotions ended. Hoseok couldn’t remember the last time he spoke to his mom; after all, their phones had been taken away until they achieved a win. As he drove the car, he occasionally looked over at Changkyun who was resting over the opened window, his arm flowing against and embracing the cool breeze of the night. His eyes were closed, the window blowing back his brown hair and exposing his forehead. His bangs were getting longer—making him look older and sexier. When his guard was down, Hoseok saw how beautiful he really was with his furrowed eyebrows and thin lips pursed, and he felt a bit guilty for having woken him up. But after the struggles he and his brothers went through, he felt the need to be alone with Changkyun; he needed his warmth—even if it meant just sitting next to him in silence. The maknae jolted up comedically when the car hit a dent in the road. Hoseok laughed at his shocked expression,

“Sorry, it’s a little bumpy.”

“Do you even have a license?” Changkyun sighed, running a hand across his exhausted face.

“Hey, I’ve kept you alive so far.”

“‘So far.’” He scoffed, “If we die before the ‘Hero’ comeback, I’m blaming you.”

“Ok, ok.”

Wonho pulled the car into the parking lot of the empty playground. He sighed at the nostalgic scene. It was just as he’d remembered it. The maknae curiously looked around him, hair still a bit tousled from the nap,

“Where are we?”

“I used to come here during my trainee days,” Wonho took his hand off the wheel and stretched out his arms, “Whenever the singing coach scolded me, or my body just wouldn’t work during dance practice, I ran here.” 

He leaned closer to Changkyun to share the same perspective and pointed to the swing furthest from them, “I used to sit on that exact swing and cry my eyes out until they called me to come back…”

“Really?”

“Yup…” he sat back against the seat, closed his eyes, and breathed out, “Being a trainee was similar to being trapped in a maze…getting lost—going around in circles and not knowing when we’ll find a way out…it’s no wonder we’re in such a rush to make a dent…” Changkyun’s hand was on his as though it belonged there; he returned the maknae’s embrace—gently colliding their fingers and entangling them.

“I’m sorry I’m not…fully the person you need, maknae,” he murmured quietly, the chirping crickets from outside barely louder than him.

“I like how you are just fine…” Changkyun said, “Even with those flaws that you can’t seem to stand…you’re already perfect to me, hyung.” Touched, Wonho squeezed his hand and looked over at the maknae—taking in his unwavering gaze that never seemed to give up on him. 

“Why do you like me so much, Kkukkung?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“Why are you still with me—even though I have no idea how to be a good partner, much less know how to love someone properly. I know you respect me as your hyung but…I’m a difficult person to care about in that way…”

“Are you?” Changkyun’s fingers ran against his cheek then lingered lovingly on his ear, “Because I’m finding it pretty easy…” 

“Changkyun…” Hoseok held back a faint breath as he came forward. Their lips were moments from touching. 

“I need you too, hyung,” the maknae whispered seductively, “You may not understand why…but when we’re alone like this…I’m happy. When you only look at me and only talk to me…I’m suddenly grateful to be alive.” Already, Hoseok’s eyes became wet. He tried to wipe them quickly but Changkyun already caressed his hand and pulled him towards his heat. His timid mouth attempted to say something else but was closed off by Changkyun’s familiar lips. A shudder traveled down his spine. The maknae’s hands were already on his chest, sliding down his body. Now that he’d grown accustomed to his touch, he found himself trembling more than usual. The pleasure he felt when the maknae embraced and caressed him was incomparable to anything else. Hoseok felt his cheeks flush; he was so easily giving into Changkyun’s addicting kiss that he didn’t even notice he’d already undone the top three buttons of his shirt. Before he knew it, the maknae was kissing his neck then his collar bone—his lips making Wonho’s body fold over and crinkle up like a piece of thin paper.

“Mm…Changkyun-ah…wait…just…” he breathed heavily, hands on Changkyun’s shoulders. The maknae looked at him with hunger, making his groin hurt. Who had he been attracted to before he met this guy? They all seemed to pale in comparison to the irresistible creature that was currently hovering over him. Hoseok’s thumb slid across his wet lip.

“What we talked about last time…” he mumbled. The maknae nodded, his breathing rapid. He was looking down at something and once Wonho realized what it was, he blushed.

“I’ve been…doing some research…” Changkyun said, gazing back up at his hyung, “About how it’s done…between two men.” Wonho gulped nervously. His neck was on fire.

“Me, too…” When the embarrassment finally hit, he averted his gaze, “I’ve been…preparing myself…” Changkyun’s eyes widened, cheeks also red,

“Mentally and emotionally?”

“No…in the shower…” Hoseok gripped onto Changkyun’s shirt and buried his face into his chest, “With my fingers…”

“Oh…”

“Don’t laugh…”

“I’m not.” He couldn’t meet the maknae’s eyes, heat coursing up his body for a whole other reason. Humiliation was a reoccurring friend since he’d chosen a career in the entertainment industry. But nothing beat this moment. The kiss Changkyun left on the top of his head made him a bit more relaxed; he let the maknae hold his hand once more.

“Should we move to the backseat, hyung?” Wonho bit his bottom lip before nodding shyly.

 

He gripped onto Changkyun’s arms as he came forward, grinding the back of his teeth together. It was a strange sensation and he couldn’t tell if it felt good or bad.

“Is it…is it in?” he asked impatiently. A distorted moan left Changkyun’s lips—hinting to Wonho that he was feeling pleasure.

“Yeah…it’s in…” Hoseok was relieved. He wanted him to feel good. It didn’t matter what he himself felt—as long as the maknae was enjoying it.

“You can move when you want to…” he offered boldly.

“Ok…” Wonho found his eager but cautious expression especially cute. He laughed,

“Do you want to?”

“Yeah…” Changkyun looked up briefly, clearly concerned for his hyung, “Can I?”

“Mmhmm…” The second the maknae’s hips thrust forward, he felt pain.

“Wait, wait…hang on…stop, stop,” he protested, panicked words spilling out rapidly. The maknae immediately stopped and Hoseok felt bad because he looked on the verge of exploding. Sweat slid down the side of his face when he gulped and looked at his hyung,

“You ok?”

“Yeah…just…” Wonho glanced down at where they were connected, heart beating rapidly at the realization that they’d officially crossed that line of friendship and moved onto lovers. “You’re…you’re kinda…big…so just…let me get used to it first…” The maknae nodded politely, eyes never leaving his. Wonho tried to relax his body; he let out a few small breaths despite the throbbing in his lower half but suddenly felt uncomfortable at the maknae’s blatant staring. He thought Changkyun’s eyes were trying to drill a hole through him.

“What?” he asked, voice a bit strained. The maknae smiled adoringly; his hand caressed his hyung’s face,

“Why are you so beautiful right now, Hoseok?” At any other moment in time, he would’ve rolled his eyes. But because Changkyun was inside him, he felt like they were finally one and his heart fluttered at his sappy words. He kissed him back almost immediately, slowly and passionately—his arms wrapping around Changkyun and pulling him closer. The raw feeling of Changkyun’s flesh pressing against him made his body tremble in ecstasy. He ran his fingers through the maknae’s hair, opened his mouth and invited him in. As their tongues pushed together, he felt the maknae slowly move against him.

“Changkyunnie,” Hoseok gasped softly, he looked into Changkyun’s eyes—the strange friction slowly turning into pleasure. His fingers dug into the maknae’s back when he suddenly hit a certain spot that made Wonho’s body tighten. A dry whimper and moan left his lips—which were sore from the kissing. Changkyun’s eyebrows creased together,

“Does it hurt?” he asked in concern. Wonho shook his head.

“I don’t…think so…” the back of his throat rasped as he unexpectedly felt it again, that obvious tingle hitting up his spine in rapid waves of heat—a numbing, odd sweetness he couldn’t quite describe. 

“That…” he gulped embarrassingly, “Do that again…”

“This?” Once again, Changkyun’s hips pushed upwards with a bit more strength and he was overwhelmed with that upsurge of pleasure. He held back the sound this time, biting his lip. The maknae repeated his movements, causing Wonho to grip onto him even tighter. 

“Changkyun…” he whimpered, breathing harder and losing more control of himself with every overwhelming sensation Changkyun gave him. He didn’t want to let go of himself—didn’t want to give himself fully to the maknae. But it felt like Changkyun was unveiling his heart every time he leaned over to press their lips together or pushed the bits of hair back from Wonho’s face and looked at him with those mysterious but warm eyes; and Hoseok found himself becoming helpless against him like so many times before. Being physically intimate with the maknae had worried him. It was the last thing he thought about when his feelings for him started to develop beyond friendship. He was scared to do it and even more scared of Changkyun rejecting him when he realized their body parts were the same. But experiencing it in real life was like nothing he could’ve ever imagined. He was surprised at the maknae’s patience and that he continued to look at Wonho the same—even after seeing him in such a vulnerable position. He was grateful. And when their bodies melted together, he suddenly felt their hearts could do the same.


	10. I Think I'm Crazy

The song Wonho composed had cute, electronic beats that represented his personality well. It wasn’t a perfect composition by any means but Changkyun felt its potential and he looked forward to hearing the final piece. Like many times before, as he listened to the simple melody, he admired his hyung for the hard work he’d put in despite the recent workload. Hoseok was on a different frequency compared to himself and the other members and, with time, the guy would become a well-rounded genius idol and leave him behind. It was becoming clearer now with every moment he spent with Hoseok—his hyung was special.

“It will be for Monbebe,” Wonho explained eagerly—unaware of Changkyun’s infatuated looks, “I know they like us, but I want to hear them say it. Something like…an innocent and pure love? I’m excited to write the lyrics but I’m not sure if they’ll sound good…” Changkyun smiled in admiration, causing Wonho to notice. His hyung blushed.

“What?” he instantly became nervous, ears red. It seemed his insecurities always got the better of him even when they weren’t necessary. Changkyun placed his cheek on his fist.

“You know your face lights up when you talk about this kind of stuff…”

“Does it?”

“Yeah…” he touched Wonho’s hand, ran his fingers across his knuckles flirtatiously, “It’s cute.” Wonho sarcastically poked his own cheek, emphasizing his aegyo; his playfulness was supposed to make Changkyun roll his eyes but, on the contrary, it made Changkyun want to hug and kiss him to death. 

“They have to put this on the next album,” he said unknowingly in an attempt to focus his mind on something else. Only he immediately regretted it. His hyung looked down somberly before closing his laptop.

“We’ve already decided on the six songs…” he said, his voice quiet, “Besides…it’s not like it’s ready yet. Or even any good.”

“It was composed by you, of course it’s good.” Changkyun leaned his head on Wonho’s shoulder, “But you’re right…I’d want you to take time on the lyrics. I know it’ll be a masterpiece.”

“Masterpiece…” his hyung repeated, “Don’t use that exaggerated word, maknae…you know I don’t like forced flattery.”

“Sorry,” he said, feeling guilty, “I didn’t mean to make you mad, hyung.”

“I’m not mad, I just…” Wonho let out a sigh, “Whenever you raise my hopes like that…it reminds me of our disappointment during the last comeback…” his mouth was tense before he looked over at the maknae, “I don’t want to feel that way again.” Changkyun suddenly felt terrible; he should’ve known better. After what Wonho disclosed regarding the company’s expectations of him, he should have considered his hyung’s feelings. The guy was sensitive—more than he would ever admit—and it always hurt Changkyun to see that distant expression on his face. It was clear from his talent, commitment, and skill that there was no need for him to feel insecure or anxious but his hyung had different obstacles to overcome—ones he wanted to deal with on his own; and Changkyun could only stand back and respect his wishes. He understood Wonho’s pain well. They were working hard but birthing no results and, therefore, it felt as though they weren’t making any progress. Based on what they’d all been through to get here, he understood why his hyung wanted to escape from this place of treading water. But despite their similar feelings, it wasn’t as though Hoseok allowed himself to be comforted at all—his door was still shut tight and locked up—and that only made Changkyun feel more useless.

Shownu casually strolling into the living room where they were sitting threw off the serious atmosphere.

“Hey, hyung wants to talk to you guys,” he said before grabbing something from the cluttered desk and walking into the kitchen.

“Both of us?” Wonho asked, eyebrows raised. 

“You and Changkyun? Yeah.” He and his hyung exchanged confused glances before reluctantly standing from the ground. Wonho’s gentle hand was on his back as they walked towards the manager’s room together. It was a small comfort but one that he needed. Every time he saw Manager-hyung now, all he could think about was the fact that he knew and the fact that he wanted them apart. Despite having been the one walking behind, Wonho offered to enter the room first as though he knew Changkyun would be much too nervous and afraid to. He appreciated his hyung’s considerate nature. 

The manager was sitting at his desk with the laptop open. He briefly turned towards the door before addressing them to sit down. Changkyun made sure to sit a few inches further from Wonho. He waited nervously—his hands beginning to sweat—as Manager-hyung typed and clicked away, occasionally scribbling a few things into his planner. Eventually, he came over; he looked at them briefly—clearly reading the fact that they were still together. Changkyun could’ve sworn he saw his brow twitch of irritation. The manager cleared his throat before laying out what looked like photographs on the coffee table in front of them. Changkyun scooted forward in his seat; his eyes widened at the realization that it was him and his hyung in the pictures. He couldn’t even remember when these particular events happened; but a knot immediately formed in the pit of his stomach. The photos showed they were walking down the sidewalk alone—talking and occasionally holding hands. They would look quite intimate from an outsider’s perspective and that made him sweat even more.

“A reporter sent these to Starship Entertainment this morning…” Manager-hyung explained, his eyes on the images. “It will hit the press tomorrow…”

“What?” Wonho narrowed his eyes, “Why would they think this is a story? This is nothing. We do this kind of stuff all the time in front of our fans.”

“But you’re not in front of your fans in these pictures, are you?” he shook his head, “I told you, Hoseok…this kind of thing is dangerous.” His hyung’s lips tightened as the realization officially hit,

“What’re we gonna do?”

“You two are not gonna do anything,” The manager gathered up the photos, “You’re gonna continue on and pretend I never told you this. We’ll pay the reporter off and retrieve all the copies before they try to piece together more evidence.”

“Hyung, this--”

“Understand that it wouldn’t be a big deal if you two weren’t actually dating but…the fact that you are causes us to take this matter seriously. We can’t afford to have anything get out.” He sighed heavily before looking over at Changkyun, “I hate to say this again…but it really would be better for everyone if you two stopped.” Changkyun didn’t have time to come up with a coherent reply. The manager already stood up and left the room—just like the first time. It was as though he was expecting them to come to their senses and comply to his suggestion. 

The room was quiet for a long time. 

Changkyun hadn’t even realized that his heart was pounding. He nervously pushed his palm against his chest in hopes of getting it to calm down. But he couldn’t help it. His mind was running wild and he couldn’t stop it. What if the reporter didn’t agree to their terms? What if they’d already leaked the photos? What if rumors were already beginning to spread and he and his hyung were already exposed to the world? What if this was it? What if Monsta X were done for? What if it was over before it even began? Was that the ultimate worth of their relationship now? A juicy story for people to gossip about—the unfair cause of their disbandment?

Changkyun felt the panic rising inside of him—burning his throat and the back of his neck. He wanted to fix this badly. He wanted this feeling of reality to go away. Someone that had no intention of protecting them knew of their secret. Of course, his stomach would feel like it was on the verge of vomiting.

“Ah…” Wonho sighed, snapping him out of his thoughts, “We really messed up, Changkyun-ah,” his hyung buried his head into his hands—half laughing and half whimpering. Changkyun laid his hand against Wonho’s back—surprised at how hot it was. He must’ve been sweating from nerves as well.

“This is…crazy…” Hoseok said. Changkyun nodded in agreement. He felt his eyes begin to sting, but he quickly shook it off before resting his forehead against Wonho’s bicep.

“What should we do, hyung?”

“I don’t know…” Wonho’s fingers gently combed his hair, helping him relax a bit more, “The manager’s right…we need to continue on like usual for the sake of the members and our fans but…but this is hard for me. I’m not…I don’t like pretending and lying…it feels like it’s dirty even when it’s not.”

“I get that…”

“And…I understand where the manager’s coming from. I know this is a dangerous game we’re playing…it’s selfish and ignorant of us but…” his finger briefly touched Changkyun’s ear lobe before he innocently fiddled with the cross-shaped earring. Changkyun knew what Wonho wanted to say then—even if he remained quiet afterwards and abandoned his thoughts in the dust. They had officially become more than friends. It wasn’t something they could bury without leaving a few scars behind. He wanted to be with Hoseok. It wasn’t allowed, and it was a pain in the ass to the managers and other members but that was what he wanted. 

 

He held Wonho’s sweaty hand as they made their way up the stairs. Hoseok’s body was crooked over, attempting to remain as close to the ground as possible. Changkyun felt bad but he still couldn’t help but think his hyung was incredibly cute.

“W-wait…” Wonho whimpered before sitting down on one of the steps, “I need a minute.” His hand was still clasping tightly onto the maknae’s.

“You ok?” Changkyun asked.

“Yeah…” his hyung nodded weakly, “The medicine just hasn’t kicked in yet.”

“You know you don’t have to do this…” he knelt down beside him and gently groomed Hoseok’s hair, “We can always film ‘Hero’ somewhere else.”

“No…” he saw his hyung gulp, “The members are waiting, and the managers worked hard to rent this place…” Changkyun’s lips tightened shut at the reminder that the last thing Wonho ever wanted to do was burden anyone with his own problems. It was pointless to argue when it came to things like this. That’s just the way he was.

“Alright…” he leaned in and nudged his forehead against Wonho’s sweaty hair, “We’ll join the others after a few minutes…do you need water or anything?”

“No…” Wonho’s hand tightened around his, “Just you.” Changkyun felt his chest warm up. He leaned his head on Hoseok’s shoulder, sighing at the familiar happiness that enveloped him. Things didn’t change much between them ever since those pictures showed up. He was grateful. There was a fear in him that Wonho would leave but his hyung remained by his side. Given what Wonho had told him about his past, Changkyun was both surprised and touched by his decision. His hyung should have been afraid but instead, he was youthfully bold and a bit reckless about the situation. Changkyun couldn’t help but admire him even more. He was willingly standing up for what he felt was right. Something about it felt more mature than childish.

Changkyun gently rubbed Wonho’s naked bicep—exposed due to his sleeveless top—and kept his wandering eyes on the ground. It was difficult not to look at his hyung. He looked more handsome than usual. The concept of the “Hero” Special Clip was manly and sexy, and the stylists did their part but Wonho himself had bloomed in some way. He was becoming more mature—both on the inside and out. The growth was gradual but Changkyun noticed it the more he watched and spent time with him. He knew Hoseok was struggling with trying to be a better hyung for him, so he was proud of his progress, but he was also a bit intimidated—anticipating the moment where Wonho would realize their age difference was too severe and leave Changkyun for good. He shouldn’t have felt that way; in his heart he knew their relationship was all that mattered but, in his bones, he felt their impending separation. 

“Kkukkung,” Wonho’s fingers ran across his own, pulling him from his irrational fears. He looked up and surprised his hyung with the unwelcomed doubt in his eyes. Hoseok’s eyebrows furrowed in concern, “You ok?”

“Yeah,” he nodded before attempting to assure him with a smile, “What were you gonna say?” Wonho laughed nervously, suddenly embarrassed.

“I just…” he bit his bottom lip, “I’ve been thinking about what we discussed at the last meeting with the managers…” Changkyun smiled to himself before looking over at his hyung,

“Aren’t you excited?”

“Well…yeah…” he rubbed the back of his neck, “But getting my own studio is…it kind of makes the whole composer thing feel official…so I can’t help but feel a little anxious.”

“But you’ve been waiting for this since we debuted,” he squeezed his hand, “You’ll finally show Monbebe your music.” Wonho’s eyes were watery; his lips pressed together,

“What if I disappoint them?” Changkyun laughed,

“I doubt that’s possible, hyung.”

“Changkyunnie, this is…” he saw Hoseok’s hand shake as he covered his mouth, “I know it sounds stupid…but this is something I’ve been both anticipating…and fearing.” Changkyun crooked his mouth, confused,

“Why?” His hyung’s gaze was lost for a moment before he looked down and fiddled with the golden chain around his neck.

“When people listen to my music…they’re listening to a piece of me,” he swallowed, “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little vulnerable.” Ah…so that’s how it is. Changkyun didn’t know why but, in that moment, he loved Wonho more than anything else in the world. 

Along their journey to become idols, they’d learned how to separate themselves between the personas they showed the world and the people they were when the cameras were off. But that didn’t mean the lines between the two were ambiguous. They were still themselves in front of the fans—they were still revealing parts that most people didn’t. It was what they signed up for but, once in a while, Changkyun discovered the cons that came along with it. Things he cared about—including Wonho—were also in risk of getting hurt, rejected, and ridiculed. His guarded hyung cared about protecting his music because it reflected his heart—his soul. His fear and anxiety were something Changkyun understood too well.

He slid his arm around Wonho’s waist, noticing how he trembled from his touch—even when their skin was separated by the piece of cloth that was his shirt.

“It’s alright if you’re not ready…” he said softly, “With time and experience, you will grow and have more confidence—enough to put your music out there. But if you’re not comfortable with it now then…that’s fine, too. To be honest…” He stretched his arms out apprehensively, “I don’t plan on putting my own stuff out there anytime soon. My raps for our songs—that’s different…but my own work is…it’s not something I’m ready to share. So…I’m sorry for pressuring you before…I shouldn’t of…assumed anything…” His hyung was quiet for a moment and Changkyun could only look down in shame. From the beginning, he’d presumed what was best for Wonho rather than asking what he wanted. It wasn’t right.

He was surprised to feel Wonho’s hand on the back of his neck—massaging it gently.

“It’s alright, maknae…” his hyung said, his voice soft, “It’s not like…I ever told you how I really felt. You had no other choice but to assume things about me…” 

“Hyung…”

“I know I have a problem with exposing myself to you…” Wonho’s eyes went to him, “I’ll work harder.” Changkyun smiled, heart already beginning to pound faster and faster. He slowly leaned in to kiss him, but his lips only met the tips of Wonho’s fingers.

“We still have to shoot ‘Hero,’” Hoseok murmured, “I don’t want to show up to the set flustered.”

“They’ll just think it’s your acrophobia.”

“Ah, don’t remind me of that…” his hyung whimpered, burying his face in his hand, “My body just stopped shaking.” Changkyun held back his smile as he pulled Wonho closer. How could a hyung be so damn cute?

“It’ll be ok,” he said, “Just think of it as any other shoot…” He wanted to kiss him again when his hyung let out a low exaggerated breath of air, lips trembling. His vulnerability formed a need to protect him.

“Ok…” Wonho’s voice shook. Without thinking, Changkyun kissed the top of his head,

“You’ll do great, hyung.”

“Thanks.”

“And you’ve worked too hard for this so…don’t let your fear of heights break your confidence, ok?” Hoseok laughed,

“You’re right,” he formed a fist with his hand and hit his hard abs a few times, forming a thick sound, “I really hope they show up on the camera.” Changkyun felt an ache in his chest when he heard his hyung’s awkward laughter then. He didn’t know why. He was caught off guard when his hyung’s fingers traced his neck, his touch as tender and warm as always.

“You have a mole here, Changkyunnie,” Wonho observed like a child, “Oh! Two moles…” his middle finger innocently slid down the side of his sensitive neck—connecting the two dots. Unable to endure the tickly sensation, Changkyun grabbed and kneaded his hands between his.

“I wanted to talk to you about something, hyung…” 

“What is it?” He cleared his throat nervously before bringing the back of Hoseok’s hand to his lips. As usual, his scent was flowery and sweet but not overpowering.

“In the future…” he squeezed his eyes shut, “When you become known for something beyond just your body…promise me that…you’ll still like me…”

“What? Of course, I will,” his hyung smiled, “Why would you say something like that?”

“I don’t know…” he forced a laugh, “Lately, I just feel like I can lose you at any moment…if it’s not because of scandals…it’ll be because of your feelings.”

“Changkyun-ah…”

“Ever since we…you know…” Heat suddenly began to spread through his cheeks. He rubbed the back of his heated neck shyly.

“What?” Wonho’s eyes blinked innocently. Changkyun let out a cough,

“That night we were together…”

“Ah…”

“It made me realize the difference between being friends and being lovers, hyung. This is…” he gulped, “It’s a big deal for me. I told you before that I don’t have much dating experience…so, I can’t help but be a little worried…I can’t help but wonder where we’re supposed to go next…”

“Well, we have to get to the rooftop of this place,” Hoseok joked. Changkyun rolled his eyes. He stood up but not before his wrist was snatched by his hyung. The stairwell fell quiet—the echo of Wonho’s palm slapping against his skin vibrating against the cement walls. 

“I don’t…want to think about the future right now, maknae…” Hoseok finally said, his voice cracking at the end of his disclosing sentence. Changkyun was hit with a bitter nostalgia at his hyung’s words. He’d said something similar to him during No Mercy. His hyung was scared of the future—of what he couldn’t see nor predict. On the outside—and to Changkyun—he was mature and confident but, in reality, was he still a naive trainee that was uncertain about every decision he made?

“I’m sorry…” The maknae said.

“Don’t be…I understand your worries,” Wonho glanced up at him, his eyes glittering. He felt a bit more assured when his hyung showed him that familiar smile, “But I don’t like when we get too serious.”

“Me neither,” Changkyun chuckled in agreement. Their romantic relationship was created for the sake of their happiness. He didn’t want to spend a majority of their time in sadness and misery. 

Wonho stood from the step, biting his bottom lip before grabbing the maknae’s hands.

“I want to do it again…” his hyung murmured seductively; his eyes flickered to Changkyun’s with a lustful confidence, “In a bed this time.” Changkyun sucked in a breath of air, certain that he’d fall down the steps any moment; but he attempted to remain mature and cool for both their sakes.

“If you find a bed that’s nowhere near the company or the other members, let me know.”

“A hotel?”

“You serious?”

“I doubt they’ll let us out though—especially together,” Wonho sighed, his thumb pushing against the soft inner part of Changkyun’s wrist. Changkyun felt his heart jump up his throat and become stuck there. He coughed out numerous times—attempting to retrieve his pride as a respectful maknae. The fact that he and his hyung were discussing this so casually made him both excited and embarrassed. This was no place to be talking about such intimate things, but he was happy. Wonho wanted to touch and hold him once more. There was nothing else he could ask for.

“We don’t have to ask for permission,” he said, surprising both himself and his hyung, “I mean…they already don’t want us to be together so…when it comes to our relationship…we should be the only ones calling the shots.” Wonho smiled with his watery eyes; it was a look—full of shock and emotion—that always made Changkyun fall in love with him more.

“Didn’t think you were that serious about me, maknae-ah,” his hyung sniffed. Changkyun caressed his face and kissed his soft lips. He tried to ignore the fact that his hyung shuddered with desperation when their mouths touched. 

Wonho surprised him during the “Hero” shoot. Perhaps the medicine helped but Changkyun was proud of him regardless. It was like he was another person compared to the one that’d been shaking in the stairwell moments ago. They were exhausted by the time they were done since they’d shot until it got dark enough for the nighttime takes. The exhaustion reminded him of “Rush” promotions and he suddenly began to feel nervous about the upcoming workload. There was no question that he loved their fans and he loved being on stage but the last comeback and the disappointment that came with it had taken a toll on him and the members. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t prepared for more heartache.

Changkyun didn’t know if it was to support his hyung or himself, but he took Wonho’s hand again until they reached ground level.


	11. It's Dangerous

The text message scared him. It didn’t help that he’d received it on the second night he’d slept with Changkyun. It felt like karma. The manager purposely asked that he meet with him alone—no members…no maknae. He’d dealt with the manager before and ignorantly blew off his suggestions that they end their relationship, but this time felt different. Wonho couldn’t figure out why.

He’d gotten his own studio—a small space that belonged to him and his music. Sure, he rented one of the rooms at the company back when he was a trainee but now he was Wonho of Monsta X—now he was a real artist—and he was given the chance to be more than what the public saw him as. That sudden change made him realize he needed to work even harder. The person he was striving to be was mature, talented, cool, composed, and everything he wasn’t. He needed to control his emotions, his actions, and words better—to portray himself in the ideal way he desired.

Perhaps that sudden mental shift—that realization—was the reason why he felt so differently when the manager texted to see him. His mindset had changed. He suddenly felt more open to what Manager-hyung had to say if it meant saving both himself and Changkyun from not being able to reach their full potential as idols. It didn’t mean he wanted to break up with Changkyun by any means, but he needed advice on what to do—on how to stop feeling so guilty. And he certainly couldn’t get it from the guy who sought him for the same thing.

Wonho sat down at the table and anxiously waited for the manager to take the seat across from him. He’d held back his true emotions the last time he spoke to Manager-hyung about this—when those revealing photos showed up. In truth, he wanted to give into them. He was panicking so badly inside, he thought he’d have a nervous breakdown in front of the very person he never wanted to lose face in front of. But he needed to be the hyung in that moment…he needed to protect his Changkyunnie and assure him that everything would be alright even when it wouldn’t.

The manager let out a sigh, arms on the table as though to surrender. Wonho noticed the bags underneath his already tired eyes—the guy was at the end of his rope. 

“There’s a reason I wanted to talk to you alone, Hoseok-shi…” Wonho nodded in understanding. He’d felt so rebellious lately sneaking around with the maknae that he suddenly felt the need to be respectful. 

The manager looked at him with pity in his eyes before continuing, “Alright, let’s just talk honestly for a moment, I…I want to discuss your past.” Despite already knowing the topic would be brought up, it still felt like someone had struck him…hard. He took a moment to prepare himself before tightening his lips together and giving him a nod. His lack of words seemed to birth more sympathy and regret in the manager’s eyes. Manager-hyung shifted nervously before rubbing his temples with his fingers,

“I imagine you went through a lot growing up. Even before you became an idol, you endured…unjust treatment and I’m sorry for that…”

“Thanks…”

“But…Changkyun-shi…” he shook his head, “He’s never had to go through such things. Hoseok, he…he’s still so young…”

“I…” Wonho gulped, “I know…”

“I’ll be blunt and just say it…it’s not fair for you to do this—carrying on with him even though you know it won’t last. Don’t you think he deserves a hyung that is honest?” The knot in his stomach tightened. Unaware of the pain he was inflicting on Hoseok, the manager continued mercilessly,

“The earlier gossip was only about you…but this is about him as well—if not the entire team. You know how badly this affects us…how dating scandals can ruin an idol’s career. Do you really want that for him? After everything he’s suffered through to get here?” Hoseok held back a breath; he suddenly saw Changkyun crying to him that time when everyone else had turned their backs, but he just as quickly shook off the memory to spare the pain.

“Of course not…” he said quietly, less confident than moments earlier.

“I know…you want to protect him, Hoseok. So, do that now…be the hyung he believes you are.” That’s all I ever wanted to be…Wonho thought desperately. His hyung…the hyung he cried to. It was becoming clearer as he sat there, soaking in the same thoughts he’d had since the moment they agreed to be together—his ultimate decision would end in heartbreak.

“Let me think about this a bit more,” he lied, knowing damn well he was only stalling the inevitable. The person he was when Changkyun wasn’t here was afraid and weak. He felt alone here; unwilling to burden the other members with his problems…and, of course, saving Changkyun the trouble of worrying about him as well. He had no one else to turn to besides the logical minds that were protecting him and the team’s reputation as idols. At least they knew the right decision he needed to make without the annoying hindrance of heated feelings for the maknae clouding their judgement. That had been the only thing that kept him from ending things with Changkyun—that unwanted yet familiar feeling that had formed in him ever since he first heard him rap. The unfair way he grew up should have been the first warning but Hoseok blindly sought out ways to be closer to him anyway. Now, he regretted it—his childish behavior, his lack of control, his desire to be loved. Because if he had rejected the maknae earlier on, perhaps then it would not hurt as much as it did now.

 

When he got home, the others were starting up a movie night in the living room.

“Welcome back,” Shownu smiled at him from the kitchen. He was wearing plastic gloves and an apron—helping Kihyun prepare some snacks. Despite feeling like shit, Wonho smiled back. There was no need to bring his ill feelings home. 

Kihyun came over and laughed loudly at the way Shownu put together his snack. He showed Hoseok the disfigured shape before accepting it on the finished tray. 

“I’ll dare Hyungwon to eat it,” he snickered. It was strange…but Shownu and Kihyun were closer now. Wonho didn’t really notice until that moment; they used to be the most awkward pair in the group. Now, they looked like they’d been friends since childhood. The thought made Wonho think of where he and Changkyun would end up a few years from now.

The other four were laughing and playing around on the couch—some kind of card game Wonho didn’t know of. His hands were shaking as he searched the room for Changkyun. When he found him, his stomach dropped down to his feet. 

The maknae was laughing loudly, his smile wide and full; he looked so happy. Only a few months ago, the room would go awkwardly silent when he entered the room and now he was one of them. Now, this was his family. Wonho knew his time during No Mercy had scarred him in some way. One didn’t get over such things as quickly as one would hope. He was grateful they had accepted him—that he was so comfortable around the members now. He knew how guilty Changkyun had felt when he found out he’d ultimately taken 6 other trainees’ chances to debut. He knew Changkyun thought he’d be hated and shunned forever. It was painful to think about. He didn’t want the maknae to feel that way again.

It didn’t take long for his presence to be noticed.

“Wonho-hyung’s home,” Jooheon said first. 

“That was a long meeting,” Minhyuk said, mixing around Hyungwon’s cards while he wasn’t looking, “What did he talk to you about?”

“Just schedule stuff.”

“You gonna hang out with us?”

“Uh, we’ll see after I take a shower; I’m kind of tired,” he scratched the back of his head before turning to leave. 

“Hyung, wait,” Changkyun called out. Wonho could hear his footsteps coming after him. The others had already resumed playing and were fooling around again.

“What?” he blinked numerously, caught off guard. Hoseok had contemplated how to appear in front of him the entire walk back but now he couldn’t think; he was suddenly lost in Changkyun’s cute dimples. Changkyun laid a comforting hand on his shoulder,

“You ok?” he asked. Wonho nearly became immersed in his adorable, concerned gaze—his big heart that cared so much for his dumb hyung—but he shook it off quickly. He peeled off Changkyun’s hand,

“Fine…” The maknae’s eyebrows narrowed in confusion at his sudden rejection. Wonho felt even worse; this was cruel and unfair, and he wanted to yell and punch something but all he could do was stand there and act like everything was still alright. He licked his lips before forcing a smile, “I’m ok, Changkyun. Really.” Changkyun’s lips tightened,

“You sure?”

“Of course.” He looked in the direction of the bathroom, “Look, I’m really tired, maknae. You should go hang out with the others. You deserve a little downtime.” Hoseok tried not to acknowledge how Changkyun’s hand shook then—as though it desperately wanted to reach out and grab whatever part of Wonho it could. But instead of giving into his initial temptations like his hyung had, he politely nodded towards Wonho and joined the other members without a second glance.

 

Wonho replayed two seconds of the track at least five times, touching up the bass and melody part, before he considered scrapping the whole thing. His studio was a stuffy, tiny box full of junk from his previous life and gifts from Monbebe he didn’t need. Despite having it for over a week now, it didn’t feel like it belonged to him. Something felt temporary about being given this room—perhaps because he hadn’t officially composed an entire song on his own yet. His debut date as a composer was ambiguous and that scared him a bit; he hadn’t talked about it much with the company directors nor the managers due to the increase of activity in their schedule. He was half ready to prove himself and half doubtful about his skills, but he wasn’t ready to give up. The other members, Monbebe, and Changkyun believed in him. In fact, lately it felt as though everyone—including himself—had expectations of him. He began to feel inadequate as he struggled to fulfill their needs. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

Even now as he was revising his original song for the fourth time, he was thinking of the people that saw more in him than just his visuals. The Wonho he wanted to be would be fueled by the everlasting hope of the people that cared for him. This is how he would show his gratefulness and love—by working the hardest and not giving up. Even when they weren’t active, he needed to work; he needed to work until he became the man he was supposed to be for the rest of his life.

His eyes felt dry after a while—an hour? Three? he didn’t know how long he’d been staring at the computer screen. Wonho pulled over another can of Monster energy drink, popped it open, and chugged down half. After shutting his eyes and attempting to get liquid in them again, he glanced at the clock: 3:42 AM. Working for over six hours and he was still no closer to being satisfied with the song. Think of Monbebe, he thought hopelessly, think of how hard they work to support us. But no matter how much he forced it, the natural flow of creating music would not return to him. He knew it was because he was too occupied thinking of other things.

He quickly glanced up when he heard a knock at the door. After shutting his laptop and scrambling to stand, he opened the door of his studio to find Changkyun on the other side. The maknae stood shyly, his body language as unsure and unconfident as it was on the day he walked onto the set of No Mercy.

“I.M-shi,” Wonho said, surprised by his sudden visit. Changkyun rarely bothered him while he was working—mostly because Wonho made it a little too clear to the other members he wanted to be left alone when he composed. Changkyun’s weight shifted from one leg to the other,

“You busy?” he asked.

“Not really,” Hoseok forced an awkward laugh, “Been working for six hours and haven’t made any progress. I think I’m out of fuel at this point.”

“Maybe you need a break.”

“Yeah,” he scratched the back of his head, “That might be the case.” They stood in awkward silence for a moment before Wonho finally stepped aside and asked the maknae if he wanted to come in. 

“Sorry, there’s not really anywhere to sit yet,” he said. Changkyun smiled awkwardly,

“That’s ok…” Wonho faced him, trying to fight the urge to touch his hands and put his arm around his shoulders. He shook off his unnecessary thoughts,

“So…” he cleared his throat, “Why’d you come here?” Changkyun stared at him, a question mark painted on his face.

“I just wanted to check on you, hyung…the others were worried.”

“Oh…”

“We haven’t seen you all day so…they asked me to come.”

“I see.”

“I also…” Wonho’s entire body stiffened as Changkyun’s hand landed on his hip. The maknae glanced up at his hyung, eyes lustrous, “I wanted to be with you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…” His eyes went to Changkyun’s hand on his hipbone. Pull away…he pleaded to himself, pull away now, Hoseok. The voice in his head that desired for him to be logical was all he heard. However, he allowed Changkyun to take a step closer towards him. Heat immediately began to spread from his neck up to his cheeks. 

He grabbed Changkyun’s hand with the intention of taking it off his body but could not find the strength to. The maknae was now only inches away, a dangerous distance. His fingers played along Wonho’s, under and over, curling and rubbing—seducing him easily as he’d done many times before.

Hoseok gulped, “Ch-Changkyun-ah…” 

“You said you needed a break,” the maknae murmured, his mouth moments away. Wonho turned his head nervously; his gaze was on the ground,

“I lied.” Changkyun laughed softly, gently, warmly; a sound so familiar yet now so painful. Hoseok trembled at the smallest touch of his breath against his neck. He quickly grabbed Changkyun’s shoulders, frightened and cautious—his control being brutally tested. He stared at the maknae’s lustful gaze, trying not to gulp. The first word he wanted to utter was lost on his tongue as Changkyun kissed him. The maknae’s arm was around his waist, the other curled around his neck. Wonho let out a sweet moan as his pelvis pressed into Changkyun’s. From how his body reacted, it was clear where his heart still lied regardless of what he’d been struggling with since he’d last spoken to the manager. Changkyun kissed him passionately—sometimes slowly sometimes impatiently—but always passionately. The rollercoaster that was his love made Wonho want to lose his mind. He dug his fingers into the maknae’s hair, pulling him closer and closer in an aggressive and desperate sort of way that frightened him.

For only a few moments, he gave into the enticing pleasure of being Changkyun’s. But eventually…he pulled away.

The maknae stared at him with wide eyes—confused and worried. Even in a situation like this, he was worried about Wonho. It was too cruel.

“I…” Wonho let out a raspy breath, the back of his hand against his sizzling mouth. He looked at Changkyun and felt the guilt gripping his stomach, “I just want to finish the song I’m working on…”

“Oh…” Changkyun took a few breaths, cheeks flushed, “Ok…I’ll see you at home then?” Wonho nodded. The maknae looked innocently convinced enough—enough that the hand of guilt tightened. Hoseok gave him a small smile, briefly touching Changkyun’s shoulder before he left. 

He didn’t know what to do—who to turn to. He felt lonely in this isolated place he’d put himself in. He was losing Changkyun; he felt it in his heart. The distance between them was widening more and more as he struggled to face his decision; he knew he needed to end things with Changkyun—he always knew—but he also knew he loved him. Perhaps too much—enough to selfishly break his heart in an attempt to protect him.

 

Hyungwon stared at him for what felt like minutes, eyes wide; and Wonho found himself become impatient. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the chair,

“Are you done reacting now?”

“No,” Hyungwon said. He blinked a couple times before looking at Wonho, “I knew you two have been acting weird lately…”

“Ok, ok, can we get over that part already?”

“What? That’s the craziest part!” Hyungwon shook his head, “Jeez…” he let out a sigh, “So, as of now, only me and Kihyun know?”

“Yeah…” Hoseok nervously rubbed his hands together, “And I’d like to keep it that way…”

“Sure…” he nodded. As expected of Hyungwon; he always accepted him and his decisions without question. Wonho sat forward in the seat, his voice low,

“There’s…a reason that I told you, Hyungwon-ah…” The guy suddenly looked intrigued by this,

“What is it?”

“I…” Wonho licked his lips nervously after the realization that he’d become desperate enough to seek his best friend for advice, “I’m…I care about him…a lot…” Hyungwon’s face furrowed in confusion.

“I assume so; you’re dating him after all.” Dating. The form he used was present tense; they were still dating. But why did it feel like they’d already broken up?

“But I can’t seem to…shake off this feeling…” he looked down and felt his throat dry up, “This feeling that what I’m doing…is wrong…that I’m hurting him somehow…”

“Hoseok-hyung…”

“I know…” he swallowed, “I know it’s all in my head but…everything is telling me that we shouldn’t be together. The managers, the scandals—that’s one thing…” he shook his head, “But corrupting Changkyun is another.”

“‘Corrupting’? You think somehow this situation is your fault?”

“I was weak, Hyungwon-ah…and stupid,” Wonho massaged a muscle in his bicep that suddenly started to hurt, “I was supposed to protect him—to help him, to be his hyung…I can’t even help myself.” His voice pathetically choked at the end. He hoped Hyungwon didn’t notice but he probably did. After a moment of silence, he felt Hyungwon’s hand on his back,

“I don’t have any good advice for you, hyung,” he said quietly. “But it’s not fair for you to keep him in the dark about your feelings…and I hate to say this…”

“Say what?” Hyungwon sighed,

“You’re being selfish—deciding everything on your own. Ask him what he wants first, tell him what you told me…”

“I can’t…”

“Why not?”

“I just…” he looked down, feeling the sting in his eyes, “I want him to be happy…”

“He will be…” Hyungwon patted his back, “As soon as you tell him the truth.” It was easier said than done. He was never good at this sort of thing. Opening his heart all the way to Changkyun was a slow process—one that was still taking place. In fact, anyone that’d ever tried getting close to him always failed. But Hyungwon was right…the only way this could end without ill feelings was to be honest. 

 

They came home after a music show and five-hour long photoshoot. Wonho wiped the makeup from his face before stumbling into the kitchen for some ramen. Unfortunately, he found none. The maknae was sitting in the living room alone when Hoseok left the kitchen disappointed. He looked over at his hyung, his manner too cautious and much too polite.

"Can we talk?” he asked, his voice quiet. Wonho nodded, already feeling his heart break. Changkyun was a smart guy, observant too; there was no way he didn’t catch on to Wonho’s distant behavior as of late. Hoseok sucked in a shaky breath before sitting beside him on the couch where they’d held each other in secret night after night, his feet on the wooden floor where they’d shared their first drunken kiss. He interlocked his fingers, a guilty gaze on the ground.

“The others are home…” he murmured, “So is the manager.” In the corner of his eye, he saw Changkyun’s mouth barely open before closing again. His apparent nerves, shy demeanor, the way he would clear his throat and cough just to form some sort of sound to break the awkward-ass silence—Wonho wanted to hold him so tightly that he’d forget everything—including his hyung’s cold efforts to push him away.

“Then I’ll keep this short…” the maknae said. He looked over at his hyung and Hoseok could most definitely feel those wolf-like eyes on him, but he chose to continue staring at the wooden floor—no matter how difficult. “I’m guessing you want me to be oblivious and not notice the way you’ve been acting…” Wonho gulped; his palms began to sweat. Changkyun shook his head,

“I get it…the schedule’s been…a lot lately. It’s exhausting to keep up—you’re working hard on your composing, too—and I know our relationship isn’t always first priority but--”

“That’s not…” Wonho tightened his mouth, “Changkyun, that’s not what this is about…”

“So, it is about something.”

“I…” he pinched the bridge of his nose, “I told you…that I came with baggage.”

“Hyung, I don’t care about this baggage thing, ok?” Changkyun, without warning, held his face in his warm hands, “I just want to know that you’re ok; even if you hate me, I want you to be fine. I want you to be healthy and happy…and--”

“I don’t…hate you…” Wonho gave in and placed his hands atop the maknae’s, “I’d never hate you, Changkyun…” The maknae blinked back tears,

“Hyung…”

“I’m sorry.” Hoseok choked out. He suddenly didn’t have control over his mouth; his mind, heart, and lips were in three different places. He couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything he wanted nor needed to do.

Changkyun looked at him curiously, “For what?”

“For…everything…”

“You’re not making any sense…”

“Look, I’m ok…I really am…I’m fine,” he smiled at Changkyun despite feeling the tears well up in his eyes. He pulled the maknae’s hands from his face and sniffed back more pointless sentiments, “You should get some rest, Changkyun.” There was a pain in the maknae’s eyes then and Wonho couldn’t quite decipher it. But he knew, in his bones, it had something to do with Changkyun’s experience on No Mercy—when they were strangers who didn’t care much for each other. Changkyun must’ve been reminded of that time because of Wonho’s abrupt and strange behavior—the way he unnecessarily acted to spare anyone else the trouble.

“Since when have you stopped, hyung?” the maknae said after a moment, his voice pained. Wonho didn’t want to but glanced over at him anyway,

“Stopped what?”

“Calling me Kkukkung…” The words resonated in his ears as Changkyun stood up. Wonho’s eyes went to his hand—the one he desperately wanted to grab onto and never let go. He should’ve. He should’ve gone with his instinct—with his heart—and grabbed it; he should’ve finally told Changkyun he loved him—that he was the only person he’d be willing to open his heart for. Perhaps if he did, things would have turned out differently and they would have never become the most awkward pair in Monsta X.

Wonho sat on that couch for a good half hour after Changkyun left—wondering how he could let something he loved so much slip through his fingers so easily.


	12. One Minute Feels Like One Second

Changkyun knew it was his fault for choosing the seat directly across from Wonho. He should’ve considered everything first, but he was much too hungry—much too tired from dance practice. And now he was ultimately suffering the consequences of his impulsive decision. Dinner together came rarely in the Monsta X house. These days, everyone ate on their own—in different locations and at different times. But tonight, Kihyun insisted that he cook for everyone as he’d done in the past—a time before their schedules became too cluttered. It was awkward to say the least—an atmosphere that was loud with the voices and laughter of the other members but almost silent with the underlying tension between himself and his hyung. Luckily, the latter bit wasn’t as obvious seeing as their relationship was mostly kept in the dark but, to Changkyun, it was hell.

He struggled to focus on eating. They hadn’t been alone with each other since that night. Despite the fact that three days had already passed, Hoseok’s words were still running around his head; the look he gave Changkyun while he fed him fake lines—still a visual that haunted him up until this very moment. He couldn’t help but wonder what his hyung was thinking—what sorts of thoughts occupied him as he ate his meal—with the guy whose heart he’d crushed sitting only a few feet away. It was clear that he was avoiding the maknae’s gaze—constantly pretending to be immersed in the conversation flowing around the table or unnecessarily giving his full attention to his bowl of ramyun. But Changkyun still didn’t understand why. Wasn’t it only moments ago that they were holding each other—that they were happy? What had happened? His hyung had suddenly become cold and distant—the door that Changkyun desperately wanted the key to nailed shut. It was painful to think of their relationship ending this way—so unceremoniously and unofficially. This wasn’t really it, was it? He knew their relationship hadn’t gotten that serious but there was no way Hoseok was ok with ending things like this. 

Changkyun sure as hell wasn’t.

“Changkyun-ah pass me a tissue,” Shownu ordered. Changkyun shook off his thoughts before obliging Shownu; only when he did so, his eyes accidently—and by habit—went to Wonho. His hyung allowed their connection for only a second—his eyes wide and innocent—before he quickly stood from the table, grabbed his dishes, and left the room.

“Going to bed already?” Minhyuk called.

“Yeah,” Hoseok said, “Don’t make too much noise.” The table went silent after Wonho’s departure and Changkyun suddenly felt responsible.

“He’s been in a bad mood lately,” Jooheon observed.

“Must be the workload.”

“I don’t blame him. It’s been pretty stressful.”

“Right. And he’s trying to work on new songs, too.”

“What about you, Jooheon-shi?”

“My new songs?”

“Yeah.”

“Well…I’m working on a slower piece for the next album…”

Even after the topic of conversation transitioned and faded into muffled sound, Changkyun remained looking in the direction where his hyung had disappeared. He wished he could get rid of that longing feeling in his stomach—that annoying hope that Wonho would come back. But his hyung never did. 

Changkyun continued to sit at the table even after the others finished eating and left; his food had gone cold by then, but he couldn’t find it in himself to stand up.

“Are you finished eating?” Kihyun asked him, “I’m gonna clean the table.”

“Oh…” Changkyun looked down at his half-eaten plate before shaking his head, “It’s ok. I’ll do it, hyung.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah…” Kihyunnie stared at him with furrowed eyebrows before giving into the maknae’s offer and heading off to bed. As soon as the others quieted down and were doing their own things, Changkyun got up and began gathering the rest of the dishes.

Despite being frustrated with his hyung, he couldn’t put Wonho at fault for his heartbreak. Not really. In a sense, he understood why he was acting this way. From the beginning, his hyung had been afraid of being with him; he’d been reluctant to invite the maknae into the world he’d hidden from everyone. At the time, Changkyun didn’t know why Wonho was so resistant but now he somewhat understood, and he felt regret—feeling responsible for having pressured him to give into his feelings when his hyung wanted anything but. He shouldn’t have pushed his feelings onto Hoseok. It wasn’t fair to do that to his hyung—especially given his painful past—he knew that now. But he’d desperately wanted someone to care for him; he’d wanted Hoseok to look at him the way he looked at Monbebe.

The connection he had with Hoseok saved him—even before they became lovers. He wanted to be close to his hyung, to see more of that smile, to hear and be the cause of that weird laugh. When he found out they were going to debut together, he was happy—relieved even—because it meant that they’d become friends someday. It meant that this hyung, whose shoulder he had cried on during a desperate and dark moment, would be his comrade—not just an acquaintance he was forced to work with to complete a debut mission. But those hopeful feelings evolved into something else too quickly and feverishly. They could have stayed friends—could have spared the grief—but Changkyun was weak and couldn’t resist such temptations. He liked Hoseok too much. And perhaps it was simply greed on his part to want more from him.

 

“What’s with you today?” Changkyun instantly popped his head up, nearly knocking the headphones off. Jooheon’s eyes were wide; he waited for the maknae to realize the situation before continuing, “You know we have to finish writing these raps by tonight, right?”

“Of course,” Changkyun cleared his throat, “Sorry.”

“Why do you keep spacing out? What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” he stretched out his arms before doodling some swirls into his notebook. They’d been sitting in Jooheon’s studio for a few hours now and Changkyun was growing weary. The creative engine in his mind didn’t seem to be running. On the other hand, the “Hoseok” one was running at full capacity.

“You don’t have anything written down,” Jooheon pointed out.

“It’s…” Changkyun furrowed his eyebrows at the crossed-out lines and scribbles on the paper, “It’s a work in progress.”

“Right…” The longer he stared at his non-existent lyrics, the more prickly flames of anxiety he felt creeping up his neck. It was suddenly stuffy and hot in this tiny room. No words came to him—they seemed meaningless now. Words. It didn’t matter what he said to Wonho anymore, did it? His hyung was set on leaving him behind. What was he doing here again? Why was he writing a rap for a love song when all he felt in his heart was anger and pain? Changkyun rarely felt like this; it was a negative state—a darkness he didn’t enjoy enduring, but it continued to consume him anyway.

“Jooheon-ah,” he pulled the headphones down to his neck, “I’m sorry but I think I’m done for tonight.”

“What?”

“I…I’m drawing a blank to be honest,” he rubbed his forehead, “Nothing’s working right in here.” His best friend’s eyes softened as he seemed to realize the tired expression on Changkyun’s face. Jooheon put down his own notebook and crossed his arms before leaning back on the chair.

“Is there something going around that I’m not aware of?” he asked, “First Wonho-hyung and now you…”

“W-Wonho-hyung has nothing to do with this.”

“Of course not,” Jooheon looked at bit surprised, “I was just using him as an example.”

“Oh…” Changkyun cleared his throat nervously; he scratched the back of his head, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine…I’m just worried about you, that’s all.”

“I appreciate that…”

“But speaking of hyung…” Jooheon supposed, “Do you know what’s going on with him lately? You two are pretty close, right?” Changkyun shook his head,

“I don’t know.” He nudged Jooheon’s arm, “If anything, you’re closer…you knew him before we even met.”

“I guess…”

“What was he like?” he found himself asking, “I mean before he became Wonho…” Jooheon looked at him curiously,

“Pretty much the same…”

“Really?”

“Yeah…” Jooheon rubbed his chin, “Hardworking…stubborn…super guarded but also really nice. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know…I just…” Changkyun gulped, suddenly feeling depressed, “I feel like I never really got to know him…not in the right way anyway…” Jooheon’s eyebrow lifted,

“What do you mean the ‘right’ way?”

“Without the cameras and the personas…” he licked his lips, “I never got to know him as a person.”

“I see…”

“He’s never told me much about himself…besides what he tells interviewers and Monbebe…”

“Are you saying you regret the circumstances you met him in?”

“Maybe…” he sighed, “Or maybe I don’t really even know what I’m saying. But…but I think it would be nice to know what it’d be like…if I got to know him all over again; this time, from the beginning…before everything happened…”

“Like a restart?”

“Yeah…a restart from zero.” Jooheon’s lips tightened, emphasizing his dimples. He patted Changkyun briefly on the shoulder,

“I know you’ve been through a lot, Changkyun…” he said, his voice quiet, “But don’t go wishing for such things, ok? If things didn’t happen the way they did…we probably wouldn’t have ended up here. I’m glad we got to experience the hardships together…that’s how I can call you my friend now.”

“Jooheon…”

“Wonho-hyung would say the same thing,” Jooheon said, “Even if it’s painful…as long as it’s honest—as long as it’s the truth—that’s all that matters.” Changkyun nervously fiddled with the pen. He suddenly felt guilty for having been dishonest with Jooheon this entire time. Keeping this a secret from the other members was for everyone’s sake but it was also lonely—especially now that his hyung had iced him out. Changkyun touched Jooheon’s knee awkwardly,

“I have to tell you something,” he mumbled. Jooheon glanced at him before looking back at the computer screen.

“Is it about Wonho-hyung?”

“Why do you say that?”

“You’re dating, right? You and him.” Changkyun nearly choked on nothing, caught off guard by Jooheon’s unexpected insight. He tightened his lips together,

“How’d you know?”

“Come on,” Jooheon laughed, “You guys have been into each other since the first mission. It was pretty obvious. Didn’t think you’d actually act on it though.” He felt his cheeks flush hot. There was no way that was true, right? Back then, he’d been too occupied trying to make it through the battle that was No Mercy to think about anything else. But Jooheon did have a point; after all, why was it Wonho he chose to cry to out of all the others? At the time, it just made the most sense. It just felt right to go to him. Standing in front of Wonho, he suddenly felt his hyung’s pain as well as his own and despite them being strangers, Changkyun found the courage in himself to finally cry.

 

Wonho looked cute in his grey suit. The stylist was parting his hair to the side while he was sitting in front of the mirror. His eyes were barely opened, constantly fluttering as though sleep was holding him hostage. Changkyun wanted to kiss him badly. For the last few days, his hyung had been sleeping at his studio; when their schedules were different, Changkyun barely saw him. But, even when he did, it wasn’t as though they had time to talk about their relationship. Putting it mildly, he was getting worried. It wasn’t as though Wonho had officially broken up with him; nothing was mutually agreed upon and Changkyun still loved his hyung despite his sudden change in behavior. That was probably why it hurt so badly—the ambiguity of where they stood was driving him insane. He felt they were in limbo—a state that had no real substance nor title; here they were neither friends nor lovers. Here, Wonho looked at him like he looked at everyone.

After the “Hero” stage, an interview, and a few hours of practice, they all sat down for a vlive. Changkyun was squished in between Minhyuk and Hyungwon and Wonho was at the far end of the seat. His hyung wasn’t as loud nor as hyper as he usually was during their vlives; in fact, he only spoke when the others called on him to speak. Even then, his words were limited and modest—as though he was being too aware of what he was saying. And it was worse that Changkyun seemed to be the only one that noticed. He longed to feel Wonho’s arm around his shoulders—comforting and assuring him—like in the past. But his hyung was far away now…not even able to find sanctuary in Monbebe.

“Up until now…it’s been Monsta X! Thank you!” They bowed forward modestly and waited for Kihyun to end the stream before standing up from the couch and stretching.

“Aah…” Jooheon whined, “Minhyuk-hyung’s leg was on my thigh the whole time!”

“Sorry, sorry.”

“Hey, sleep early tonight,” Kihyun announced, “We have a shoot at 6.” 

“Got it.” The others nodded tiredly before heading to their rooms but Changkyun already had his eyes on Hoseok. He couldn’t let him disappear amongst the commotion.

“Hey. Hyung,” he laid a hand on his shoulder, making him jolt. Wonho’s eyes were wide; he looked as though he’d forgotten the maknae’s existence.

“Changkyunnie…” he whimpered. Why did it feel like forever since he’d last heard Hoseok say his name? A long-lost melody suddenly returned to him, but he pushed down the spark of happiness.

“You um…you got a minute?” he asked. His Wonho looked around them briefly. Once he realized that they were alone, he nodded—a nod that implied he predicted the arrival of this conversation. The way his lips pursed, the movement of his strong yet shy body, even his cautious nature was adorable and Changkyun was annoyed with the part of him that still wanted to embrace his hyung tightly.

They sat down on the wooden floor, their backs pressed against the couch just like the night they’d drunkenly and recklessly crossed that line. It was quiet for at least a minute. He’d been the one that asked Wonho for his time but now, as he sat there in that familiar space with his hyung, he couldn’t think of anything appropriate to say. There was too much going on in his mind—too many thoughts and emotions he wanted to push out—but none would be organized nor mature enough for his hyung. Surprisingly, Hoseok was the one to speak first.

“Changkyun, I…I’m sorry for what I’m putting you through…” Changkyun glanced over at him—surprised that his hyung allowed their eyes to meet. Wonho looked tired from both lack of sleep and stress. It made his chest swell up with a mixture of emotions. As usual, Hoseok was apologizing for no real reason that Changkyun understood. Sure, he was angry—pained—by Wonho’s intentional distance but sitting here with him now only made his heart restart; the fire that flickered for his hyung was suddenly reignited.

Why did it have to be like this? Were relationships really supposed to be this serious and emotional? Like in the dramas? He just wanted for them to return to what they once were. He wanted to laugh with him again, talk about music together—to forget everything as Hoseok held him in his arms.

Changkyun cleared his throat nervously, “You don’t have to worry about me, hyung. I’m fine…” He saw the guilt in Wonho’s eyes—a common expression on his hyung. There was no chance he’d been purposely avoiding Changkyun without feeling bad; it was clear from the way the corners of his eyes watered the moment the maknae spoke. Changkyun suddenly felt guilty himself. How could he let the man he cared about so much to feel this way?

Wonho bit his bottom lip, “In reality…I’m a coward.”

“Hyung, stop.”

“After I spoke to the manager…” he said quietly, “I got scared…” So that was the cause of it. His meeting with Manager-hyung. He should’ve known. Changkyun’s eyebrows lifted at the realization,

“What did you really talk to him about?”

“The truth…” His hyung said calmly. He faced forward once more, severing their connection, “I realized it…when I came home and saw you with the others…”

“Realized what?” Wonho’s ears had turned red and Changkyun could see the muscles in his neck tighten.

“That you don’t need me to be happy, Changkyun-ah.”

What?

What did he just…?

He instantly grabbed Wonho’s hand. Not until he finally touched him and felt his familiar yet broken warmth that he realized he wasn’t the only one sweating and trembling. They still felt the same way after all. It made his eyes sting,

“Don’t you…say that to me, hyung,” he shook his head in an attempt to keep his tears from Hoseok, “You don’t know what I need…” It was his turn to look away now. His hyung’s eyes were on him but Changkyun could only stare at the floor; he didn’t want to see Wonho’s face when he said them—the words he’d been dreading: let’s break up. He was surprised that Wonho didn’t pull his hand away. In fact, he gripped tighter onto Changkyun.

“I’m sorry, maknae…” he finally confessed, his voice crumbling, “I don’t know what to do anymore…” Changkyun had only heard his voice like this a couple times since they’d known each other. This was the Hoseok that he hid from Monbebe—from everyone. He suddenly felt the pain of being apart from his hyung for so long. He missed him…more than he’d be willing to admit. What had he gone through since they’d last spoke? What sorts of thoughts wormed their way inside his head? That intense urge to hold and protect him returned as though it’d never left.

Changkyun subconsciously pulled his hyung’s hand closer to him, “Why did you push me away?” His voice was quiet—so quiet that he wasn’t even sure he’d said it aloud. That was when Wonho finally took his hand back, fingers wriggling from his grasp. Changkyun allowed the rejection despite wanting to feel his skin against his own longer.

“Because I wasn’t brave enough…to make a decision…” 

“Whether or not to end this,” he finished. His hyung’s pink lips pushed together. He nodded once more,

“Please know that…if it was anyone else…” Wonho closed his eyes, “It wouldn’t be this hard…”

“Why would you want me to know that?” he forced a laugh, “That just makes this more annoying.”

“I’m sor--”

“Stop apologizing already,” he crossed his arms and gripped onto the sleeves of his sweater. “I get it, hyung…”

“Changkyun-ah…” That voice…that low but vulnerable voice calling his name like a lost child in the dark. The desperation to keep Wonho by his side seemed to take over his sanity at that point. He hastily turned towards Wonho, desperate hands fumbling as he clasped his shoulders,

“But I still…” For a moment, he was captivated by the stunned yet breathtaking expression on Hoseok’s face. He was still as beautiful as he was on that fateful day during the filming of the “Rush” music video—when he suddenly fell atop him and felt something more than friendship. An accident that should have been the innocent beginning of their romance was now just a bittersweet memory. If this was love…it was too cruel.

He looked into Wonho’s glittering eyes, heart pounding, “I still want…I want this,” his hand slid to Hoseok’s hot neck and felt his fingertips burn, “I want you…” He saw his hyung barely tear up before covering his face with his hand.

“It’s not that simple…”

“Because you won’t let it be…” Changkyun gulped nervously, “I know I haven’t known you for very long, Hoseok…but you’re honestly…the most complicated and stubborn person I’ve ever met.” Wonho let out a dry laugh,

“I’m sorry for that, too…”

“Just…just talk to me, please…tell me what you want…” He desired to hold his hand again but feared Hoseok repelling his touch one more time.

“What I want…doesn’t matter anymore,” Wonho said quietly, “This is about something bigger than us…” The man that looked at Changkyun then was unrecognizable—someone mature and cool…intimidating even. Hoseok really had changed and grown without his realization; he was no longer Changkyun’s reckless, hyper friend nor his desperate, emotionally-driven lover. He was…

“Hyung, I…” His words suddenly felt small in comparison to Wonho’s. What could he say anymore to make him change his mind? It seemed no matter what sorts of lines or rapper’s rhymes he came up with, he could not convince his hyung to stay. Hoseok was seeing the situation through a different lens now—one Changkyun refused to look through.

Hoseok smiled while his eyes painfully contradicted,

“That’s why it’s so hard, maknae…they’re telling me to put that—our future…up against you…it’s…” Changkyun was surprised to feel his trembling hand on his shoulder. His heartbreaking smile remained when he looked up, eyes glistening, “Even though it’s unfair, I still have to make a choice…”

“Why?” The maknae’s voice was faltering; he was going to cry, he felt it coming—creeping up on him like an illness, “Why does it have to be one or the other, hyung? Why…?”

“Changkyun…”

“Stop it…” he suddenly took Wonho’s hand from his shoulder and gripped…tighter…and tighter until he saw his hyung wince, “Stop calling me with that voice…stop looking at me…with those eyes…”

“Kkukkung…” He finally looked at him, red cheeks soaked and raw with tears.

“Stop making me love you…”

He knew those words would wound him—making it seem as though Hoseok had casted some sort of deceitful love spell on him—even when he’d been the one that’d selfishly pursued his hyung. But it hurt too much to speak politely—to think before opening his mouth. So, he allowed the toxic words to sink into his hyung’s ears as though he’d actually meant them before standing up and running away from the first and last man he would ever love. The warmth of Hoseok’s reluctant yet brave hand on his shoulder still remained even when he tried to dispel it—rubbing it harshly as if it would do any good to his broken heart. He just wished he could forget his hyung’s touch and how it made him feel. He wished things were different…for his feelings to be different. He wished he’d never gotten drunk that night and kissed him. Because it wouldn’t matter if his unexpected feelings would be buried for the rest of his life, at least then he wouldn’t have to endure the bullshit he was feeling now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so much nonsense...
> 
> I will post chapter 13 tomorrow! :)


	13. You're Crazy Virus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be the last. Thank you for supporting "Rush To Me!"

He wouldn’t cry in front of Changkyun. Not again. Crying meant that he was in pain and he couldn’t let the maknae know that—not if he wanted to spare him worrying about him yet again. Hoseok found his final decision in Changkyun’s eyes that night. Despite how he felt, the answer had been clear to him since the beginning—their future together needed to be built on something more than romance. He wanted to be a strong hyung for the entire team—Changkyun included. Achieving this required him to leave behind his selfish desires—parts of the person he was before he became Wonho.

But even though he knew this…some piece of himself felt empty. There seemed to be no real satisfaction with this outcome; he found no pleasure in it. Perhaps, with time—and love from the members and Monbebe—the emptiness would fill again. But now, it felt as though he was making a mistake.

 

The “Hero” performance didn’t go on very long due to the cutting of Changkyun’s rap and second chorus. When they finished, he didn’t feel like smiling in front of Monbebe; after all, the smiles wouldn’t be real. He hid half of himself behind Shownu while still trying to maintain his confidence as they introduced themselves and thanked the fans for coming.

“See you at the fan sign, Monbebe! Drive safe and stay warm.” Kihyun waved cutely and gave them finger-hearts. The others were being themselves as usual but Wonho couldn’t even look in the direction of the audience. He didn’t want Monbebe to see him like this. Someday, he’d stand before them as the man he wanted to be but now…he was fragmented by the scars of his past and the regret of selfishly hurting the one he loved. When it was finally time to go, he was the first to leave the stage. 

“Hoseok-oppa,” Monbebe sat down and handed him the repackaged version of the “Rush” album. He wondered how many times she’d called his name before he finally heard her. His mind had been elsewhere for the last few minutes—a place not even he knew the location of.

“Ah…hi,” he smiled at her in the best and brightest way he could, “How are you doing today?”

“Good,” she replied before pointing at the album. A pink and flowery post-it note was stuck atop his picture. “Can you answer this question for me, oppa?” Wonho’s eyebrows scrunched together as he read her scribbles: Which member is Wonho closest to? He quickly looked up at her—a bit flustered. Changkyun was only sitting a few seats away from him; he suddenly had to fight the urge to look in his direction. Was he longing for him, too? Was he thinking of him just as much? But his eyes remained on Monbebe despite not really looking at her. When she scrunched her face in confusion, he quickly shook his head and smiled once more before quickly writing down Hyungwon’s name.

It was better this way. The “Hyungwonho” friendship was becoming popular among their fans. In fact, his false answer was probably more believable than the truth. He and the maknae’s relationship had never made it to the surface. They weren’t even considered good friends to Monbebe or the public. Even in the dorms, they were forced to hide in the shadows while the others slept. It felt more like a secret than a relationship at that point…everything from the outside had molded and turned it into that—a secret. Not to mention, it was a mere two seconds that they were together—not even long enough to be considered serious. The sudden realization made Wonho’s chest hurt. No matter what he’d hoped for himself and the maknae, they couldn’t be more.

 

“Hero” was receiving popularity quickly—especially overseas. For the first time since their debut, Wonho felt they were gaining momentum. He was excited for Monsta X’s growth and establishment across the world, but this sudden rise towards fame also meant he needed to work harder. It was going to take a lot more than this to become the monsters that took over Kpop. Even if it cost every bone in his body, he was willing to fulfill the promise to Monbebe. It felt like a lifetime since he became a trainee up until this very moment. He didn’t think he’d ever reach this point. Working on original songs was getting better after help and mentoring from Brother Su and the other artists at the company. And after spending so much time there, he was finally starting to feel at home in his studio—like a real composer. The fans even acknowledged his efforts when they could—told him they were proud of him blossoming among the group. He was touched they took notice. Truly, he felt that he was finally finding his place in the group. But at what cost?

 

The continuous vibration of the manager’s phone caused him to wake up from his nap. He rolled over on his bed and reached over, hand fumbling along the junk on his nightstand until he felt it. A yawn left his mouth before he squinted at the bright screen. It was an unfamiliar number calling but not many people knew of this phone much less this number. He sat up and tried to shake off the sleep before answering it.

“Hello?”

“Hello? Wonho-shi?”

“Hmm?” he rubbed his eye, “Yeah…this is Wonho.”

“Ah, Wonho-shi, how are you? This is director Chung-hee Wook.”

“Chung-hee…” his voice was groggy as he repeated the man’s name. Once he realized who it was, he immediately straightened up, “Oh! Oh, I’m sorry sir; yes, yes, I’ve been fine. Thank you.” The voice on the other side laughed,

“Is this a bad time?”

“No, no, I…I just got up from a nap.”

“Oh, I see. I apologize for waking you up.”

“It’s alright. Um…wh-what’s going on?”

“Yes, well…I understand this is a sensitive topic, but I would actually like to schedule a meeting with you and I.M-shi for tomorrow at noon…” he was quiet for a noticeable moment, “Regarding your relationship.” So here it was.

Wonho cleared his throat, “Why?”

“I don’t believe it will be appropriate to explain over the phone. We’ll discuss this tomorrow in our meeting.”

“O-ok…”

“And I’ve already informed the manager to drive you, so I’ll see you then.”

“Right…”

“Have a good night, Wonho-shi.”

“Good night.”

He remained looking at the screen for a few moments—allowing his mind to wrap around what just happened before climbing out of bed. Perhaps it was the fact that he’d just woken up, but he couldn’t even be worried or stressed about the phone call. Not anymore. He knew what the director wanted to discuss with them and he was sick of it all at this point—the talk of scandals and the taboo of their relationship, the undying fact that he couldn’t be with another boy…it all just gave him more unnecessary anxiety. He wanted to move past this already…to be rid of the pain and the things he couldn’t fix. His heart was already shattering at the realization that he needed to break up with Changkyun…he didn’t need to hear anymore from the people that had ultimately contributed to their separation.

 

It was almost seven. The light from the hallway nearly blinded him as he made his way to the bathroom. There were no signs nor sounds of the other members. He’d been so tired after the music show that he didn’t even stick around to hear what they had planned for the rest of the day. They must’ve went out to eat or practice. The options were limited these days since they were still forbidden from straying too far from the dorms and work.

After washing up, he went to the kitchen for a quick snack in hopes of retreating to his studio. He ran into the maknae instead. Changkyun was sitting on the couch with his laptop. It was rare to see him at the dorms during these times. He was usually hiding in his studio just like himself. Wonho quickly sucked in a breath of air before approaching him. After their last conversation, it was clear that he and the maknae’s romantic relationship was sliding towards over. He didn’t know how to act in front of him anymore. 

“Where is everyone?” he asked casually. The maknae looked up from the screen.

“Dance studio.”

“Why didn’t you go?” 

Changkyun presented his ankle towards Wonho, “My leg’s starting to hurt lately.”

“Oh…” he felt something sharp in his chest, “Really?”

“Yeah…”

“I…I didn’t know.” When Changkyun shrugged indifferently that was when Wonho knew. He’d lost him.

“So, um…” he stretched his arm across his chest, “Director Chung-hee wants to meet with us tomorrow.”

“‘Us’ as in the group or ‘us’ as in me and you?”

“The second one….”

“Ok,” he nodded, “When?”

“Uh, at noon tomorrow.” The maknae seemed disinterested despite having been the one that asked. Wonho suddenly felt self-conscious. He shifted his feet nervously before looking in the direction of the kitchen,

“Did you eat something already?” Changkyun’s eyes were already back on the screen.

“Yeah, some kimbap from last night.” And just like that, Wonho didn’t feel like eating much of anything anymore. In fact, his stomach felt sick. He could’ve easily gone to the kitchen and left everything as it was between himself and the maknae. He could’ve pretended as though he wasn’t hurt by Changkyun’s indifference and moved on—took the next step towards becoming the Wonho he wanted to be. But…something inside stopped him from running away. A voice in his head told him to turn towards Changkyun—completely bare and vulnerable; something he hadn’t been in a long time.

“We both knew it wouldn’t—couldn’t—last,” he said. Changkyun was frozen for a moment before looking up in reaction to his words.

“Did we, hyung?” he asked, “Did we both know that?” Wonho looked away—suddenly burning from the guy’s gaze.

“Come on, maknae…give me a break…”

“Hyung, whatever you want to do—dumping me, avoiding me—at the end of the day, it’s your choice, I…I’m not gonna be the person that keeps you from doing what you think is right.” Changkyun…kind, sweet Changkyun. He deserved better—better than this cruel hyung. Wonho loved him for this big heart of his; there was no doubt in that. But a small part of him wished the maknae was selfish and desired to keep him as his own. That way the situation would be out of his control and he could shamelessly blame someone else for this pain.

“I…” he rubbed the back of his neck, “I want you to know that what I felt for you…it’s not something I can just throw away…I…” His throat suddenly became dry, “I really do care about you, Changkyun…”

“Yeah,” The maknae nodded, “I know you did.” Not “did,” Wonho thought hopelessly, I still do. He desperately wanted to explain himself—tell him why he was doing this and tell him it wasn’t as easy as he was making it seem—that he was struggling inside every time Changkyun was near him and that he couldn’t breathe whenever he even thought about talking to him. But his mouth wouldn’t open—perhaps shut tight by his own subconscious guilt. 

Changkyun stared at him curiously, eyebrows risen, “There something else you wanted to talk about?” he asked.

“Huh? Ah…no. Sorry for bothering you,” he let out an awkward laugh and briefly touched the maknae’s shoulder before turning to leave.

“Hyung.” Changkyun’s voice suddenly called out to him as soon as his back was turned. It was Hoseok’s turn to freeze. No…don’t…don’t say anymore…please…

He took a moment to put on his collected hyung face before slightly turning his head towards the maknae,

“What is it?” The room fell silent as Changkyun contemplated his words.

“Whatever happens now…it’s both our faults,” he finally said before clearing his throat, “We both contributed to starting it and now we’re gonna end it. So, don’t…don’t carry the blame yourself.” Wonho immediately spun around, eyes wide,

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Hyung--”

“It was fine before, wasn’t it?”

“What?”

“Before I told you everything—before I told you about me—it was fine!” His words were coming out quickly—loud and heated, “We were friends. We were happy. It--it’s my fault because I couldn’t…I felt I owed it to you to tell you, but I ended up fucking you up instead—so how could it not be my fault!?”

“So that’s how you see it?” Changkyun recklessly tossed his laptop to the side and stood up, “You really think anything you said had to do with me falling for you?” Wonho slightly fumbled when he stepped back—fearing the distance of their proximity—but that only invited the maknae to come closer.

“I knew what I was doing, hyung,” Changkyun barked out, his voice raising in volume, “I liked you, ok? Even though it took me a while to admit it, I liked you—maybe since the beginning already and I just…I wanted us to be happy together. I still want that. But you’re always making things complicated like this because you care too much about other people—about me. You honestly think you’re trying to protect me or the rest of the members? What about you, hyung?” Wonho was caught off guard when the maknae seized him by the shirt, “Why don’t you ever care about yourself!?”

“You’re the same, aren’t you!?” he grabbed Changkyun’s hands, “You really think I’m happy hearing you say you’ll respect my decision—that you won’t stand in the way? I’m not always right either so stop putting me up so damn high. I’m just gonna fail you every time!”

Changkyun stared at him with wet, stunned eyes. It was awkwardly quiet for a long time—long enough for Hoseok to reflect on everything from the moment he first saw Changkyun until now. Nothing along the way could have avoided this conversation.

Wonho slowly released the maknae’s hands from his grip. He bit his bottom lip, “We have to do this …not just for each other…for the team, too--”

“No,” Changkyun seized his face, locking him in place, “You’re right. I’m a hypocrite. I lied.” Wonho’s heart was thumping loudly against his chest; the maknae’s passionate yet furious eyes were staring him down and unintentionally making him melt. He gulped—causing Changkyun’s eyes to linger down to his now blushing neck.

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t want to respect your choice, hyung,” Changkyun confessed. “What I want…” he leaned in closer, “Is this…” Hoseok lost a rapid breath just as the maknae kissed him. Immediately, he tried to pull away but Changkyun’s conviction was strong. His mouth was a sin—a seduction that Wonho never could resist.

“Changkyun--!” he gasped in between the aggressive, wet merging of their tongues, “Stop…” His body was losing strength; he gripped onto the maknae’s arms to keep himself from falling over. He didn’t know why he was kissing him back given the deteriorating status of their relationship—why he allowed the maknae to touch him where he did. But perhaps this desperation and longing for Changkyun had been in him all along. He just hadn’t fully unleashed it until this moment—when he felt as though they had nothing left to lose and no more pain to feel.

He fell back against his bed as Changkyun climbed atop him, unapologetically pushing up his shirt and revealing his vulnerable stomach and chest. The maknae didn’t usually act like this; clearly, he was angry and frustrated. And when he looked up from sloppily kissing Wonho’s abs, Hoseok finally realized it. Kkukkung wasn’t a puppy. He was a wolf.

He didn’t know where Changkyun was touching him—only that it made him moan. Loudly. It felt like a blur of heat and emotion. The pleasure of his physical body came with it the emotional pain. Regret towards the selfish path he took—watching their distance widen more and more before his eyes and pretending he could do nothing to stop it, guilt for having birthed hope in the maknae even when he knew a relationship between two men was futile from the start, and disappointment in himself that holding Changkyun like this was still enough for him to feel joy. An intertwining of their body parts like their fingers had done many times before—a poor exchange of what their love could have been like had they been put under any other circumstance. This wasn’t sex.

It didn’t take long for him to realize he was crying.

“Hyung…” The maknae murmured gently, his familiar, warm hand caressing Hoseok’s wet cheek. Wonho curled his fingers around his wrist,

“Keep going.” He saw his own pain reflected in Changkyun’s eyes. He reached up and wrapped his arms around his shoulders to falsely assure him, “Don’t stop, Changkyunnie…”

Was there ever a time where they youthfully laughed together? Where he was a decent hyung? Where they didn’t think of petty things like scandals and rumors? He suddenly couldn’t recall any of it anymore. This was their relationship now. The past was now just an obscure memory, a shadow of regret, and the future—a dark and unpredictable road. He was scared—but even more now that the maknae would no longer be by his side.


	14. Rush To Me

He’d been sitting in the executive director’s office with Wonho for over 15 minutes now—15 awkward minutes of avoiding eye contact and fiddling with the ends of his sleeves to keep himself occupied. It was shocking that a few months ago, he wouldn’t have described his relationship with Hoseok as “awkward.” Now, the word seemed almost too accurate.

They both immediately stood up when they heard the door open and Executive Director Chung-hee walked in.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” he said breathlessly before shaking Hoseok’s hand, “Nice to see you again, Wonho-shi.” He turned towards Changkyun, “And you as well, I.M-shi.” Changkyun nodded politely and waited for him to seat himself behind the desk before sitting back down.

“So, how has the group been?” Chung-hee asked as he stacked some papers from his desk, “Wonho, I heard you’ve been composing some new songs.”

“Ah…yes, I have.” Changkyun briefly looked over at Wonho—at his composure and his natural professionalism—before returning to his fumbling hands on his lap.

“Good, good,” the director mumbled, “And the new studio is to your liking?” In the corner of his eye, he saw Hoseok nod.

“Yes, sir.” 

“Your popularity seems to be growing as well. Most of the view counts on Monsta X’s ‘Hero’ video are because of you.”

“I…” Wonho cleared his throat before laughing shyly, “I wouldn’t know about that…”

“Well, there is no concrete evidence, but your hard work is definitely paying off. Your efforts are being recognized by a lot of people including those from the company; and you are doing well regarding status in the team,” Chung-hee smiled at him, “You should be proud of yourself.” Changkyun could tell Hoseok was caught off guard by his praise. His innocent eyes blinked a few times before he looked down, embarrassed.

“Thank you, sir.”

“So, is there anything that you’re currently unhappy with? Anything you need my help on or would like to discuss?” The question came suddenly and Changkyun thought Wonho would have a difficult time reacting to it but Hoseok simply shook his head.

“No, sir.” The director didn’t look convinced for about half a second, but he seemed to move past it quickly and smiled once more,

“Well then, in that case, you can go.”

“What?”

“Yes, I just wanted an update on your progress. If there’s nothing else, feel free to return to the dorms.” Changkyun felt Wonho’s concerned eyes on him now but he refused to acknowledge it; doing so would only give him hope that his hyung still cared for him. He continued to look down as Hoseok stood,

“Then I’ll excuse myself,” he said politely before bowing towards Chung-hee, “Take care, sir.”

“Thank you, Wonho-shi. Have a nice day now.” It wasn’t until Wonho left the room that the director stood up from his seat and went over to the water cooler.

“Can I get you anything, I.M-shi?” he asked, grabbing one of the paper cups, “Water? Coffee?”

“Uh, no thanks. I’m good,” Changkyun licked his lips nervously. So, the meeting wasn’t about his relationship with Wonho at all. It was about him? He was suddenly even more irritated with Director Chung-hee for having lied to Wonho and wasted his time.

“So, how’ve you been doing?” The man asked as he sat back down. He took a sip from his cup of water before looking at the maknae. Changkyun shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with his fake and practiced smile.

“Fine…” he replied.

“The comeback isn’t too straining on you?”

“No.”

“That’s good.” He took another sip before looking in the direction of the door Wonho had exited. “Changkyun, I’d like to discuss something with you.”

“Sure,” he let out a nervous cough, “What is it, sir?” His eyes went to Chung-hee’s fingers which were drumming against the surface of the wooden desk.

“I assume that he told you…” he said calmly, “About our conversation.” Changkyun felt the back of his neck heat up. Something about the way he said it made the situation even more irritating. He looked at him with furrowed brows,

“You mean you telling him he was pretty much expendable unless he exploited his body? Yeah, he told me all about that.” The director’s eyes immediately widened. He cleared his throat and scooted forward on his chair,

“You have to understand--”

“No, I don’t think I do,” he crossed his arms over his chest, holding back as much contempt as possible, “He’s not the type to take words lightly. Everything you said—the pressure and expectations you threw at him—you must’ve known it’d hurt him somehow.”

“I understand your concern, but I am still your superior, Changkyun-shi,” Chung-hee’s eyes were serious now, “Mind the way you speak to me.” He immediately looked down, flustered. His emotions were running too hot—the complete contrary of how he usually was. Control of the unfair situation was slipping through his fingers the longer he sat there, but he was slowly realizing that he never had it in the first place.

The room was still for a few quiet moments before Chung-hee folded his hands atop the desk, mouth tense.

“There is…a reason I told him those things, I.M-shi.”

“What reason is that?” The cornered executive looked down reluctantly—as though he was considering disclosing certain information to the maknae.

“Hoseok is…special,” he finally said with a sigh, “We’ve kept a close eye on him since he was a trainee. Out of the seven of you, he is the one with the most potential. Right now, he may be a bit unsure but once he finds his footing, he’ll be unstoppable. And the fact that he doesn’t know this makes him an even more powerful force.” His voice quieted, “The meeting between us that you’re referring to—I told him he was lacking to give him the push he needed.”

“You sound pretty confident about that.”

“Just look at him, I.M-shi. Despite his lack of experience and knowledge in the field, he is only a few albums away from debuting as a composer. The fans already know he is more than just his body. It’s up to him now to realize that.” Changkyun tightened his lips together—chest aching as he listened to the truth he’d known all along. What naive part of him actually believed he had a fighting chance with his superior hyung? Not to mention, he saw how hard Hoseok was working lately. He knew how important protecting the team and doing his part meant to him. There was no way he would let his efforts go to waste. This path he had envisioned for himself was already thought out and planned before they’d even met. He had goals, ambitions—an ideal he was striving for. It was difficult to admit, but it was ultimately true: he had no place in Wonho’s world.

Changkyun coughed out nervously before looking up, feeling exposed, “What am I supposed to do?”

“Give him space and time to grow,” Director Chung-hee answered simply, “Right now Hoseok is doing what he can to protect you and the team. You should do the same; what do you think is best for him? For his wishes?” Staying out of the way, Changkyun thought, out of his way.

“But this is also about individual progress,” Chung-hee continued, “Being an idol will only get more difficult from here on. You need to concentrate on yourself as well. There is always room to grow and evolve—to change.”

“And what if I can’t just…change my feelings for him?”

“There are also benefits from heartbreak,” his eyes wavered for a moment before he glanced back at Changkyun, “As well as making difficult decisions. Everything you choose to do—and everything you choose not to—defines who you are, I.M-shi. Remember that for yourself and for Wonho.” Changkyun slowly nodded in agreement despite wanting to chuck himself out the window. Of course, he desired to grow and be better. He wanted more for his future, too. But he always imagined doing so with Hoseok by his side—not only as a member, but as his support, his beacon of hope, his one and only. Perhaps that’d been naïve, wishful thinking on his part. They were adults and working professionals now—in an industry with strict rules and standards—high expectations that made them push themselves into the bare minimum of two hours of sleep every night. Something like love or romance was only tolerated by the managers because they were young rookies with heated hearts. But for the unpredictable future, they needed to value and sacrifice much more. He knew this. Yet he couldn’t bear to think of no longer being able to hold Hoseok and call him his own.

Breaking up with him may have benefited their future…but his present was hurting too much to think properly. He wanted to skip through it all—until they reached a point where they could finally look each other in the eye without feeling regret.

“Pain is also a sign of growth, I.M-shi,” Chung-hee said as though having read his mind, “Let your heart remember this feeling well. It will help you become stronger.” All he ever truly wanted was for Wonho to be happy. It didn’t matter what sacrifices he needed to make; he was willing to endure it all for his sake. 

“So, you called us both here…just to tell me to break up with him?” he asked. Chung-hee pushed the pile of papers to the side of the desk.

“If you are not sure, Hoseok will never let you go. He’ll still have a sliver of hope—both of you will,” his jaw tightened, “Now, I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do…but deep down you must already know how this ends—how it must end.” And how could Changkyun deny that when he’d felt the imminent separation of their relationship since the moment they became intimate—more than friends? He wished there was someone to blame—someone to be angry at—but there wasn’t. He only had this ill-fated situation, his own helplessness, and his inability to fix it.

He jolted in shock when the director’s phone buzzed.

“Ah, that’s my next appointment,” Chung-hee said.

“It’s fine, I…I should be going anyway.” Changkyun stood from the chair and bowed towards the director, “Thank you for your time.”

“Consider what we’ve discussed, Changkyun,” the man’s voice continued just as he reached the door, “For his sake. Yours…and the team’s.” For a flittering moment of emotions, Changkyun wanted to say ‘no.’ He wanted to reject everything—including the decision he was about to make and to later regret. However, the moment quickly passed like the memories that he would soon force himself to forget; he turned towards the director and nodded before exiting the room like a professional.

He could already feel the sour sting in his eyes as he hurried down the hallway—wanting to escape this truth and this undeniable reality.

“Changkyunnie…” The utterance of Wonho’s shy voice calling his name made him stop in his tracks. He didn’t bother turning around—knowing it’d only be more painful to see his hyung’s beautiful eyes, his pink lips, his big bunny-like ears; the sweet things he would be leaving behind.

The hallway was nearly noiseless…and awkward. Even though he couldn’t see nor hear his hyung, Changkyun knew he was struggling to find the right words to break the silence and save whatever was left of their relationship. It hurt him inside to think of Wonho suffering for one last time. They didn’t deserve any more of this heartache.

“W-what did he talk to you about?” Hoseok finally asked. Changkyun remained looking forward, back facing his hyung. Director Chung-hee’s voice echoed in his head, if you are not sure, Hoseok will never let you go.

“Nothing I didn’t already know…” he replied unfeelingly. He could already picture the pained expression on Hoseok’s face.

“Did he mention…um…” Wonho cleared his throat, “Our relationship?” The way his voice shook with worry made Changkyun want to laugh.

“It’s ok, Hoseok…” He sighed, “I won’t bother you anymore.”

“That’s not…”

“Even though it was short, I’m grateful for the time we had together so…thanks.”

“Why do you have to say it like that?” It took everything in him not to turn around and face his Hoseok then. There was so much he still wanted to say and do. He hadn’t been given enough time to kiss him properly—the kind of kisses that made his knees weak—and to caress his beautiful face in his hands before he could cry—to secretly entangle his fingers in his when they got their first win, and to tell him how much he’d meant to him since the moment they met. Now, it was too late. His timing always seemed to suck.

Changkyun looked down at the perfectly polished floor,

“I don’t want to hurt you…” he closed his eyes, “Let’s end this already, hyung.” He heard Wonho’s nervous feet shuffling against the floor,

“Look, Changkyun, I--”

“That’s what’s best, right? For everyone?"

“I…yeah, but--”

“You don’t have to say anything…” Changkyun gulped down the fluttering vulnerability in his chest and lifted his head, “I want us to have a successful career together…and I want…you to become the person you want to be.”

“Maknae--”

“You told me about your past…” he found himself fumbling with the sleeve of his sweater again, “And you deserve a better future so…I won’t stand in your way anymore.”

“You never did…” Wonho’s voice quieted, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Changkyun-ah…” Changkyun let his hyung’s words carry throughout the hallway despite disagreeing. They both did wrong when they decided to give into their feelings for each other. If they had resisted at all, they wouldn’t even be having this conversation.

He heard Wonho cough behind him,

“So, it’s over…?” his hyung asked, “Just like that?”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“I told you…it isn’t about what I want…”

“Right…” Changkyun cleared his throat, “Then…I guess we shouldn’t talk about stuff like this from now on.”

“I…” Wonho went quiet for a brief yet noticeable moment, “There’s a lot I need to say…I mean…we-we’ll still be friends…”

“Sure…” he nodded, heart pounding with a strange ache. There was no way they could return to what they used to be. They’d made themselves vulnerable to each other—enough for wounds to be inflicted. Their healing would take time…and plenty of distractions. But now, all he wanted to do was get away from Wonho and from the painful happiness he still felt from being in his presence.

“But I can’t…” he licked his lips, “I’m sorry, hyung…not now…I can’t…” When Hoseok didn’t say anything, he squeezed back the hot tears and straightened up, “We should be heading back. We still have a shoot later today.”

“Changkyun…” He stopped himself from walking further and slightly turned his head,

“What is it?”

“I…” he saw Wonho’s eyes water, “I love you...” Changkyun looked forward again and forced out a wry laugh,

“That’s the first time you said that to me.” Wonho had nothing more to say after that. He remained silent—as though those three words were simply words—and allowed Changkyun to quickly say, “I’ll see you at the dorms, hyung,” before running down the long hallway. Wonho became smaller and smaller behind him—faded alongside the memories of what they were, the innocent laughter they shared, the feeling of his hyung’s trembling legs wrapped around his waist, the sound of his beating heart, the color his cheeks became when he was flustered. What was the point in remembering anymore if it cost this emptiness? Changkyun could only continue running in hopes of pushing down and forgetting the reckless and emotional rookies that were themselves.


	15. Epilogue

I know I lacked a lot

And I couldn’t say I’m sorry

I took you for granted

Slowly, I was deceived by time

We can’t erase everything

We can’t forget everything

But if we can’t turn things back

I want to start from today

Believe in me once more

Let’s write our story from zero

I want to know everything about you all over again

Even if it’s really hard, from zero

I want to hold you in my arms again

I’m turning back the clock

Like the first time

Come back to me

From zero, zero, zero

 

Two years later

“We still need a couple more chairs,” Minhyuk said, “Can you two grab some?” Wonho looked over at the member who was standing to his right. He hadn’t even realized it was the maknae.

“How many do we need?” he asked.

“Uh, two…maybe three,” Minhyuk replied.

“Ok,” Wonho turned towards the stack of chairs but Changkyun did the same and they ended up slightly bumping into each other. Hoseok let out a nervous laugh before placing a hand on his back and allowing him to go first.

“Jeez, as awkward as ever,” Minhyuk mumbled before heading towards the stage. Wonho ignored the comment as he’d gotten used to it over the years before following the maknae to the chairs.

 

Monbebe was smiling calmly as she sat down in front of him,

“How are you, oppa?” she asked. Hoseok smiled,

“I’m good, what about you? Did you eat well?”

“Mm,” she nodded before handing the album to him, “Oppa, ‘From Zero’ is really amazing. I may like it even more than ‘I’ll be there.’”

“Ah, really?” he laughed softly, “Thanks.”

“It makes me so sad but happy at the same time. Really…you composed a masterpiece.” He was grateful she was comfortable enough to express herself in front of him. Many Monbebe had told him how much they loved his music. He was just happy as long as they enjoyed it.

She pulled a pink, stuffed bunny from her purse and handed it to him,

“This is for you.”

“Ah, cute!” he smiled widely before taking it, “Thank you.”

“So, Wonho-oppa…the girl you were referring to in ‘From Zero…’”

“Hm?”

“Did she ever come back to you?” Wonho stared at her a little longer, eyes glistening with surprise. Unconsciously, he glanced down the table and stopped when he came across Changkyun who was laughing and doing his usual cute things to make Monbebe blush.

Kkukkung…

He quickly shook his head and smiled at her before answering,

“No…she didn’t.”

 

From zero not even one

For you I dedicate this song

If we can go back to those times

I wonder if we could be happy now

I know it’s really hard

I made it that way

So please baby

Just give me a chance to be yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sweetramenwonho’s Final Thoughts:
> 
> I wanted to portray a young and reckless Wonho and Changkyun; an ambitious Wonho that wanted to move forward quickly, to mature and grow, and become better—unaware of the fact that in order for this to happen, he needs experience, time, and sometimes a little heartbreak. I wanted to portray a Changkyun that was still recovering from the unfair rejection and pain he faced during No Mercy, attempting to find a connection with someone else on a deeper level—that someone being Wonho. Wonho was in a rush to grow and Changkyun was in a rush to connect. They both were young and naïve—not ready for each other and for their relationship but recklessly did it anyway because of their unexpected admiration and uncontrollable love for each other.
> 
> Today, Wonho and Changkyun have overcome their awkward past and have grown a lot closer as friends; they've gotten to know each other more in-depth as people and comrades—developing a strong trust and respect towards each other. Both of them are stronger and more confident in themselves and what they do. Wonho has grown into the Wonho we know today—someone who is evidently awesome, mature, laidback, cool, and so much more than just a body: including his original songs in Monsta X's new albums, having a natural confidence and beautiful character that inspires people, working hard and always being grateful. Changkyun is loved by all the members including Monbebe, sharing his own work as well, ultimately wanting to connect with the whole world through music, touching others with his honest and caring heart, creativity and uniqueness; but...it is unknown whether or not they're back together. It's up to you if you think their breakup was for better or for worse!
> 
> I’m sorry if this fic made you sad. I got pretty sad sometimes, too. I mean it’s my precious Wonkyun!!! But I really wanted to write it! This rumor was driving me crazy.
> 
> Thanks so much to my fans for reading and supporting this fic! There's so much more Wonkyun to come! Ah hah! I can’t wait!


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